Wall Streets Pothole

Iran

2007-09-03T13:46:00.001-04:00

Things are heating up in Iran.

If by saying heating up, do I mean an end to the status quo of old indifferent men having sex with young boys (as if from Athens!) and controlling the state through a tortured tangled web of religious rules and edicts, making all women second class citizens...um no.

Who are these Mullahs? And who died and made them in charge? The state motto is "Independence, freedom, Islamic Republic". How much freedom would one expect in a country where the head of government is called the Supreme Leader..ala' Der Fuhrer.

What would Cyrus the great and Darius I have to say about all of this?

How strong is a country that outlaws Valentines Day?

They never learn

2007-09-03T12:00:00.001-04:00

Imagine that you are a big shot executive at NBC and you need to make a decision to renew or not renew your distribution agreement with Apple's itunes. NBC is a media company. They sell entertainment, news, schmaltz..you get the idea. The old way of doing this was through 'box sets', DVDs at Wal-Mart, Target or some other retailer. iTunes sells your product 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, complete with real time sales figures, demographics, metrics (this is worth a lot of $money, kids). And nothing is lost or stolen. NBC, CBS, FOX and the other cable networks all offer programming via iTunes for about $1.99 per episode, retail. And remember we (NBC) represent about 40% of the iTune videos sold!

So, what do you do?

(A) Renew the agreement and promote current offerings on your network.

(B) Ask for more money, maybe sharing some of the marketing costs.

(C) Accuse ipod owners and iTune users as being criminals and make DRM demands...oh and ask for a 100% increase in your 'cut'.

Well, this being Hollywood and the closest source of intelligence is La Jolla or San Jose, good decision making is never their strengths. So NBC wants to move its offerings to hulu.com (who?)

and charge above and beyond the usual $1.99...good luck. 99%+ of your market is familiar with the iTunes brand. Who's heard of Hulu.com? Up until a few months ago, it was a site hosting pics of some tech-guy's daughters and pets. I'm sure he got a $check out of the deal...so hats off to him.

The word of the day at NBC should be Bittorrent.

hulu.com...

http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://hulu.com/

You know...for kids!

2007-09-03T04:18:00.000-04:00

'Kid Nation', a new bizarre television offering from the minds at CBS is already thinking about its second season. It seems Detroit is leading the pack of potential season two host locations. The show, takes about 40 children, ages 8 to 15, and places them in a 'ghost town' to see if they can build a 'working society' without the help of adults. The First season is hosted in a New Mexico.

The obvious advantages of using Detroit for season two are overwhelming. And if successful Detroit would have its first 'working society' for almost 40 years!

Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's office didn't offer any comments.

A penny for your thoughts...

2007-09-03T03:06:00.000-04:00

Minneapolis, the 'city of lakes' seems to have a very active airport. Who would have guessed that there were connecting flights between Boise and Washington DC?! Ok, so Senator Craig got arrested for "disorderly conduct". Which in this case, he tapped his foot under another occupied stall in attempt to 'get it on' in the mens' room....with another man. He wasn't even in California! He wasn't even a Kennedy! What the fuk was he thinking!

So, a few weeks have gone by and not only does this guy look like a poof but he's also a pussy, for being in 'denial' of being at least bi-sexual.

Larry! You have one foot on the dock and your other on the boy..er..boat. Make up your mind.

Worth Billions

2007-01-28T20:43:00.000-05:00

Chicago, IL-- Alan Sobcheck has what he calls a "real working crystal ball". He claims to have peered into the future and actually seen the day he will lose his viginity. The image conveyed to him from the "power of the ball" was unclear, "I couldnt see her face, but she was hot", says Mr. Sobcheck. He does have a feeling that it might be a girl he knows from the local "Dungens, Dragons and Elf magik shoppe".

We asked the Manager/owner of the 'magik shoppe', and he knows Mr. Sobcheck, but admits that he hasn't seen a girl in his shop since early 1995.

Voided the Warranty..

2006-07-08T11:56:00.000-04:00

Ok, I've woken up with a headache or maybe a leg cramp. This guy, Fateh Mohammad, woke up with a lightbulb up his ass. The doctor treating Mr. Mohammad said he doubted the story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose. Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for "making liquor"(!), prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn't know the bulb was there..ok

The production of liquor is prohibited in this Muslim lands, but 'bulb surfing' is a time honored tradition that may actually reduce Mr. Mohammad's sentence, due to his popularity with the guards and fellow inmates.
For the obvious reasons, General Electric has "passed" on any potential marketing campaigns addressing this virtually unknown market.

Again with the Hippies...

2006-07-06T01:10:00.000-04:00

LOS ANGELES - Workers began bulldozing a 14-acre urban garden Wednesday, and 10 protesters were arrested as they tried to stop the 'demolition'. Eight protesters broke into the site shortly afternoon and rushed the bulldozer. Some of the demonstrators climbed on but were forced down by security guards and arrested by police. For years, neighborhood residents grew vegetables and flowers on the site rent free. But they were evicted three weeks ago after the property's owner Ralph Horowitz told them he planned to build a warehouse on the land. And of course the hippies fuckin' freaked out. Even Daryl Hannah joined the hippie's cause. Hippies don't need warehouses...they need flowers and rent free living!

God, I hate hippies.

Well, Hey I'm here to help. It seems that the owner, Mr. Horowitz offered to sell most of this lot to the hippies for $16million. But, you know what? The hippies couldn't come up with the cash. yea, a real shocker. How many fucking dumb trinkets do these people have to sell to raise $16million? But hey! They don't have to! Here's an idea...

Pimp Daryl Hannah out! Figure about five 'dates' a day, six days a week and one day for rest and healing. I would bet that Ms. Hannah could command about $2000/date, including greek. And If she really turns the freak on, she'd get some good tips too! So, add that to the pile. that's about $240,000 a month. I'm sure Wells Fargo Bank would arrange some type of financing for this property. Not to mention the 'good-will' points Wells Fargo would earn with the community and the hippies. (Everybody loves happy hippies)

Then again...If Ms. Hannah's heart wasn't really behind the effort in 'saving' this garden, I'm sure the hippies would understand.
And then...if Ms. Hannah was really smart she would have paid a vist to Mr. Horowitz's home and made some type of 'non-conventional' arrangement.

"yea, I know she's a shiksa but that mouth is like silk!"

Did ya ever lose your keys?

2006-07-06T01:05:00.000-04:00

This guy lost the top of his skull. Yea, It 'died' and just fell off.

So the next time your bitchin' about your tired feet, your sore peepee or something really dumb, just think about this fuckin' freak.

the story...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060705/od_nm/india_skull1_dc;_ylt=Au5MOjbf2.bNhMRAJoVHncus0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3ODdxdHBhBHNlYwM5NjQ-

Somebody say Replacements??

2006-07-03T22:19:00.000-04:00

Ok, So there is no saving Star Jones at The View. Who could replace such a talent? Somebody get Danny Rose on the phone! With every TV job opening the usual names and usual rejects get tossed about. And some of those rejects are dwarfs, like "Larry the party Dwarf from Middle Earth". When the ale starts flowing, even the Orcs can't keep up! no good?! We'll he'll work for beer and a few Hustler magizines.

Stimpy is too far out of the Price range. William Hung is too fucking wierd. Brak? Whats that?

No, for real star power they need to pull out the big guns..... Donald Trump's wig.

The Donald won't go anywhere without his wig, but the wig can do a two hour taping monday through thursdays, for a modest sum. It only asks for abosolute control, respect, a limo full of wet horny naked girls and a few merkins...oh and keep it away from any open flames.

The View is good..

2006-07-03T21:49:00.000-04:00

New York-- As if we New Yorkers didn't need to be reminded that , well yes, the center of the fucking universe is New York, the recent developments at "The View" should be a kind reminder. Star Jones, a founding member of the show was asked, 'not to return', for the future seasons. In other words she was fired. I've only watched about ten minutes of "The View", and my first impression was, "what's fucking wrong with Star?!". She acted as if the whole world was mocking her. All the women on the panel were laughing and talking and Star had a really pissed look on her face...Like some one surfaced with pictures of her husband with an assortment of nude sweaty boys.
As a casual observer I wasn't too far off the mark. Audiences and the network describe Star as "passive-aggressive" and well, really boring to watch.

Star needs to get credit for losing all of that fucking fat. I mean, come on she looked like a fucking clown..a fat clown. And I don't care how many times Al Reynolds (the Mr. Star) says he's staright, too many people in New York say he's gay. Drivers, handlers, doormen, servicemen...you get the idea.. This guy loves the cock...

Yea, so Star is so full of herself..like Kathy Lee Gifford, another morning TV reject. Its pure TV Guide Schadenfreude, but I'll bet Star lands on her feet somewhere. The smart money says it won't be anywhere near FOX...maybe the WB..or radio..

Cinco de Mayo...

2006-05-05T13:02:00.000-04:00

An imported holiday that is wraped around the consumption of alcohol and cheesey, spicy, crunchy fare. And don't forget the guacamole. What this has to do with taking up arms against the French is any one's guess. Frenchmen? We don't need any stinking Frenchmen!

...And 8 ball was his name-o...

2006-05-05T12:44:00.000-04:00

WASHINGTON - Rep. Patrick Kennedy had another car crash yesterday, in the long proud Kennedy tradition. The accident however, didn't involve the death of a passenger, so he still has some progress to make "full Kennedy status".

His Physican Dr. Sanjur Rabb said that the amounts of cocaine perscribed to Mr. Kennedy were within the legal limits. After a series of gastro-infections, he was ordered to consume over 5 grams a day. The discomfort of the illness required a slightly higher dosage and the consumption of beer with a small marijuana 'support', to stimulate hunger.

Let that be a lesson...

2006-05-02T23:03:00.000-04:00

After the Twizzlers and all of the chocolate cake, this kid just didn't see it coming.

A New Addition..

2006-05-02T14:37:00.000-04:00

We won this great artwork, Urine Clown by Iji Kimmio. It took three days of furious offering on Ebay and $14,500, but hey, we had a bare wall by the PinBot machine... It just adds so much to the room.

$145,000 for a roll of toilet paper?

2006-05-02T10:47:00.000-04:00

Yea, if you are lucky enough to live in Zimbabwe, a real first class shithole. Although it seems like alot of money for a paper roll its only about $0.69 in US Dollars. The country is suffering from hyperinflation, about 1000% per year. The smallest bill is the $500 note, the $20 (pictured) isn't made any more.If it was, you would need 7250 bills to purchase this paper roll...whats the point?! The maestro of this grand symphony of chaos is Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe's 'president'.
The capital city, Harare, doesn't have clean water, because the water treatment plant is broken down, in need of parts and new equipment. They pull their water from the same lake that the sewers empty into, so cholera and dysentery has broken out all over the city. So, what happened?
Well, if we remember, Mugabe wanted the "white farmers" to give their land to the "Zimbabwe people". It was a big scam. The choice lands went to the political class. These 'white farmers' had been farming the land for generations, building up vast knowledge in farming and food production. Zimbabwe used to actually export food to other areas of Africa. Well...the white farmers left, moving to neighboring countries, taking their families, knowlege and money with them.
And in February the govt. said that they had paid back the International Monetary Fund's $221,000,000 USD debt, that was in arrears. If they didn't, Zimbabwe's membership would be threatened. Mugabe did this by printing over $21 trillion Zimbabwe dollars, to purchase the US currency, to cover the debt.
Who in their fucking mind would want to loan this moron money?

yea..

2006-05-02T10:45:00.000-04:00

I knew someone out there would come around.

A Shmoo

2006-05-01T11:24:00.000-04:00

A shmoo (noun:SH- MOO) is a fictional cartoon creature that is shaped like a plump bowling pin with legs, but no arms. They reproduce asexually, and are very prolific. They like to be eaten.
Shmoos are tasty, and are so eager to be eaten that if they are looked at by someone who is hungry they will gladly jump into a frying pan. Naturally gentle and docile, they require minimal care, and are ideal playmates for young children and retarded people.

$100 Oil?... Who cares?

2006-05-01T10:40:00.000-04:00

Midland, Texas--At the American Petrolieum Institute, a off campus petro-chemistry department of the University of Texas, is preparing a symposium on using america's waste as a source of energy. Animal waste and household waste isn't being discussed but instead the waste of the American social landscape-Hipsters, Hippies, Emos and other social blights.

Professor Jerry Nutt from the API said, "The use of these freaks won't solve our oil dependency problems, but may serve as a stopgap or pressure valve to let some some air out of these high oil prices". To further explain the program, Dr. Nutt said, "The target person(s) would be teased with free black lipsticks, black fingernail polish and eyeliner, Von Dutch caps, Louis Vuitton bags (fake-of course), free Grateful Dead t-shirts, gourmet bong water and etc., knocked on the head and tossed into the 'rendering vats', where under extreme heat and pressure are 'cracked' into various oils and light fuels.

The 'emos' seem to release the most SOEU, Social Outcast Energy Units, and hence more valuable. Nobody know why, but it may have something to do with their Shmoo-like nature. Since all future rendering facilities will be paying a premium for all 'emo deliveries' their apprehension would become a top priorty. The emo kid now has reason to cry.

CNBC drama..

2006-04-30T21:00:00.000-04:00

Fort Lee, NJ--Mad Money host and CNBC big shot, James Cramer, is reportably investing some of his valuable time with, Mindy Barnes, one of the "BooYaa" girls.

An anonymous member of the CNBC staff has said that, "yea, he's boning her. We thought it was some fat guy in drag-that's how ugly she was, but nope. She's a she. And Mr. Cramer likes em' that way- big and fruity".

Television analyst Robert Krump said, "the show will survive a scandle like this, as long as the girl is of age and is actually a girl. Mad Money makes mad amounts of money for CNBC. They have made some changes that can already been seen; lavish sets, new hair plugs, lots of new AV and computer equipment, sound effects and higher production values."

I'd eat a mile of...

2006-04-30T20:33:00.000-04:00

David Blaine, master magician and master of 'self promotion' has devised his most challenging trick to date. On July 4 2006, in Staten Island, Mr. Blaine will consume one mile of poop.

Many of the past 'stunts' were those that involved the "lack of something", air, food, water, suspense and etc. This new stunt will require him to actually eat 5280 feet or approxamately 1850 pounds of dog shit in less than one week. Mr. Blaine's manager, Zack Miller, said that " the world will once again be amazed by the concentration and superhuman focus of David's energies". When asked about the English response to Mr. Blain's last stunt, 'Above the Below', where he was suspended about 30 feet in the air, enclosed in a glass case, recieving no food only water, Mr. Miller said, "the English were cruel and dim for not understanding David's genius".

Dr. William Hipple said that " the human consumption of over a thousand pounds of fecal matter would cause the body to enter septic shock and then probably death. The human digestive system wasn't designed to consume poop". (hence the reason TGI Fridays is almost out of business)

Panthers at Duke

2006-04-29T23:25:00.000-04:00

The national chairman of the "New Black Panther Party for Self-Defense", Malik Zulu Shabazz, says his group intends to march at Duke University on Monday to "deal directly" with lacrosse players about charges of rape of an escort service dancer at a team party.

Thats what this situation needs-a bunch of irate, armed black militants looking for 'justice'. Its done wonders for the property values of Newark, Detroit and the Upper West Side.

According to the Anti-Defamation League, the New Panthers are a black separatist militia founded in 1990 by Khallid Muhammad, who was removed from a leadership post at the Nation of Islam after Louis Farrakhan reportedly found his statements against Jews, Catholics and homosexuals too radical. The old "Panther Party", founded by Huey Newton ('cokehead brotha number one'), has disavowed any relationship with this "New Panther Party".

Officals at Duke, not wanting any members of their student body shot or stabbed, has decided to provide a permit for the 'peaceful demonstration' through Duke University property and also buckets of chicken and biscuits form "Chicken n' Biscuits". Duke spokesperson Andy Hillers said, "when these northern blacks come down here, they are not prepared for our good ole' southern fried chicken ways. When They bite into our chicken, wooo weee, their eyes will roll back into their little nappy heads and the biscuits- forget about it". Duke officals are hoping that an over feed Panther is a sleepy well behaved panther.

Gettin' to know us...

2006-04-29T02:08:00.000-04:00

Here is one of our staffers, Janet Lime, in attendence at the NY Kielbasa Tournament 2006 at "Spanky's Squat and Gobble" in SOHO. Although she has never won in any of the five tournaments over the years, she is known around the office as the "human vacuum". Many of our staffers think Ms. Lime would actually win, if only she concentrated on consuming the 12 oz links (regulation size and weight). But at various moments in her 10 minute speed rounds, she has been seen gaging on her link, slapping herself in the face, talking to it and at times even crying.

Ms. Lime's easy going nature and lightning fast 15 WPM make her a very valuable member of the WSPO team.

Eva & Ratfink

2006-04-29T01:54:00.000-04:00

They solve crime by day and um...Eva's character has a medical condition that requires her to wear a Bikini at all times. Ratfink smokes big joints, has a nose for mischief and makes off color jokes concerning Ms. Longora's body.

I need to shop this thing around. I'm sure the WB would take it.

A New Leaf

2006-04-28T15:13:00.000-04:00

Naushad Raquib has chosen to live a clean life. No smoking. No sex. No drinking. No rich foods or chocolate. He has been 'clean' for over fifteen months. He's lost about 30 pounds and about two feet of height. Being interviewed by Deutche Weld TV, sporting his lucky blue lungi, he confesses the strain of being clean. "I really miss the chocolate. I mean, what was I thinking? I'd sell one of my wives for a fucking Yorkie Bar!"

After a few moments of just repeating "Yorkie Bar", Mr. Raquib went into some sort of trance.

WSPO needs $$

2006-04-28T14:37:00.000-04:00

So we are parting with some of our most prized possessions. This stuff is hot. Like a hot fukin' Fajita sizzling in your eye!

Make an offer. They are in 'good' shape, complete with jacketcovers. The great memories I have with them are mine to keep. Make your own.

Happy bidding..
Payable via cheque, MO or wire.

FREE SEX...!!

2006-04-28T13:54:00.000-04:00

New York, NY--A Manhattan callgirl has decided to offer all area men free sex. Babydoll, 29, has decided that it would be her effort to 'help the world'. She said, " there is so much bad stuff going on in the world, ugliness, hate, war. I don't want any part of it. So i'm going to spread love, happiness..and my legs!"

There is no law being violated by having 'free sex' with anybody, but this hasn't been supported by SDACGA, Strippers Dancers and Call Girls Alliance, generally identified as the 'strippers union'.

Wendy Curtis, SDACGA president, has said that Ms. Babydoll's offer of free sex is a clear violation of the bylaws of the SDACGA, anti-dumping provision. "How can a woman put food on her table?! Clothes on her children's backs?! If she can't make a living wage?! Flooding the marketplace with free pussy?! We at the SDACGA condem this offer! These are Wallmart tactics!"

Almost the entire month of May has already been booked. She only provides incall and offers BBBJTC, GFE, ATM, greek and dwarf massage.

http://www.hot-local-escorts.com/usa/ny/babydoll.htm

I gotta' find a new bar..

2006-04-28T13:38:00.000-04:00

My usual hang out, Shenanigans (82nd &2nd, upper east side), has gotten too weird. Hey, I like to have a good time like everybody else, but when you peer through the alcoholic haze and witness a vision of Pennywise riding Santa on a bug infested mattress, sitting on a dirt floor, its time to start hanging out at Applebees.

And I gotta' pay for the room too?

2006-04-19T08:23:00.000-04:00

This is the last time I use this escort service.

Hippie Hybrid

2006-04-17T23:01:00.000-04:00

I hate hippies. They spend all day trying to figure out 'how to make the world perfect'. They smoke a lot of weed too. A lot of weed. And they like to craft law that doesn't make any sense. Enter the 'hybrids'. Cars that promise to help keep the world a better place, a cleaner place and making the Earth Mother happy. The price of gasoline would have to be over $10 a gallon for any real hybrid to make any economic sense. A Toyota Corolla gets about 7 mpg less than a Prius, but costs about $6000 less, than the Prius. As long as gas is $2/$3 a gallon, people are still going to be buying big cars, trucks and SUVs.

To really help keep gasoline consumption down buy a bike or some walking shoes. Don't drive six blocks to your local gym, so you can use the treadmill for an hour.

Longoria Paradox

2006-04-17T20:21:00.000-04:00

Ok, so the jury is back and its been decided that Eva Longoria is just too fukin' hot. How hot? Her used panties were for sale on Ebay. They were obviously fake and Ebay pulled the plug, but not before they were priced over $150,000 USD.

French Mathamatician Daniel Moire PHD, of Le Paris Institute de Mathamatica', is developing a formula, to help explain, quantatively, how Ms. Longoria became so "delisiously yummy". He stated that "her pussy would melt under my tounge, like a freshly scubed schoolgirl, her sweet juice spills out of my mouth, down my chin and fills my parched soul". His requests for articles of Ms. Longoria's clothing have gone unanswered. Dr. Moire said that "her clothing, imbibed with her scent, would help with our work"!

Ebay auction..

http://cgi.ebay.com/Used-Panties_W5QQitemZ9510544959QQcategoryZ1467QQssEvaLongoriaZWDVWrdZ1QcmdZViewItem

Death to Israel Bake Sale !!

2006-04-17T18:47:00.000-04:00

Ok, so the Palestinian government needs a few bucks to meet payroll, about 140,000 people, what to do? The US and Europe have said "no" and payroll was supposed to have been done two weeks ago. The European Union suspended its $600 million direct aid package to the Palestinian government, and the United States suspended a $400 million donation after Hamas's unexpected electoral victory in January. These measures were aimed at increasing pressure on the group to renounce violence and to recognize Israel. Iran and Qatar have pledged $100 million to help the new government out. Thats a great start but the Palestinian government needs about $170 million a month! Oh, and the only thing they have on the books is $1.7 billion in debts.

A busted state, an empty treasury, rampant corruption and accusations are the finest ingredients for civil war.

Wanted: robot patch kit...

2006-04-17T18:11:00.000-04:00

Long Island, NY--Hofstra University, Senior, Brad Zuppin was arrested off campus for having sexual relations with an underaged robot. Hofstra Spokesperson Amy Barnes said that, "Mr. Zuppin was a star student, spending long hours in the robotics lab, located in the basement of Weller Hall, often with his assistant, a Bot named Gonk. It was on one of these nights that The Hofstra Campus Police have reported that something 'happened'."

Fellow student Mitch Adams said, "they were always together. In the lunch room. In the library. On the bus. We can't believe something like this could happen. Gonk never said anything, but did seem unusually sad the last few weeks.."

Mr. Zuppin's studies have been suspended and he has been placed into the Blair House Psychiatric Center for Perverts, located in Long Island.

Lucky Rabbi Co.

2006-04-17T17:18:00.000-04:00

Las Vegas-- At this years "Pornathon 2006" convention in Las Vegas, one of the hottest new products is Lucky Rabbi Payas Wax. The girls knead it through their 'fur' to maintain a silky smooth feel, also preventing chaping and drying. "Its the best damn stuff out there!" says, Jules Diamond, star of such films as Cream filled Ass Pies, Goop Gulpers, Panty Stain Mystery and many others. "You spend twelve hours under these hot fucking lights, a girl drys out. You know what I mean?"

Lucky Rabbi's Payas Wax was developed over fifty years ago, incorporating a combination of emulsifiers, including Shey Butter. The Company doesn't know how their product ended up on the film sets of the porno industry, but they are happy with the receptive market. The Lucky Rabbi, Co. of Brooklyn, NY has developed other products for their porn star customers, soon available are Beaver Scrub, Taint Rejouvinatior, Lip Relaxation Spa Kit and others.

Mexican Americans...

2006-04-10T22:44:00.000-04:00

Oh, boy. The streets have been filled with those who feel disfranchised. Of course, Illegal Aliens can't vote, so what's the big deal??
There are a whole lot of people that arent 'citizens' who do some of the "heavy lifting". The demonstrations have been spurred by a House bill that would criminalize illegal immigrants and calls for building a border along the southwestern United States. The US is a country that is ruled by law. Not a king. Not a priest. Not a cleric. The very law(s) that protect the citizens and the businesses that these 'illegals' arrive to work for, are being violated just "for being here". A country can't expect to have about 8% of its population undocumented and illegal. The system won't allow it.

The solution to this problem? How the hell should I know!
Without these workers, a large part of the American economy would grind to a halt. But at the same time, the US can't have almost 10% of its population not documented..It would be madness. It would be worse than France.

The 2006' Pussy award again goes to....

2006-04-10T22:31:00.000-04:00

President Jaques Chirac!! He crumbled under pressure from students, unions, business executives and even some members of his own party on Monday, announcing that he would rescind a disputed youth labor law intended to make hiring more flexible.
Let the record show, this is the beginning of the end.

The Bitch of the week award goes to....

2006-03-26T21:48:00.000-05:00

Jacques Chirac! Of course... He/she stormed out of a meeting at the European Union summit this week and said it was because he had been "profoundly shocked" to hear a French industrialist speaking in English. When asked by Chirac why he was speakin english and not his 'mother tounge' (aka french), Ernest-Antoine Seillière, the head of the "unified employers organization", answered that "english is the language of business, so i'm speaking english". After storming out (like a bitch), it took about three hours of sweet talk to get him back in to the meeting.
Its no wonder the streets of Paris are in flames. The French government gets all worked up over the irrelevant and ignores the important.
Iran building nukes? One can hear Jacques Chirac's pussy twitching.

Its been a French filled week..

2006-03-26T21:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, so the french know how to riot..but do they know how to work? Guaranteed employment? Vacations? Benefits? Smells french..huh..wait it smells non Anglo-saxon.

You can bet this guy is a fukin' perv...

2006-02-15T00:59:00.000-05:00

Zacarias' 72 virgins are gonna' be dudes..

2006-02-15T00:32:00.000-05:00

ALEXANDRIA, Va. - Confessed al-Qaida conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui disrupted his sentencing trial with insults and epithets Tuesday and was barred from the courtroom while a jury is selected to decide whether he is put to death or imprisoned for life. Despite his French citizenship, he said in French-accented English: "I'm not French. ... I stand here as a Muslim only. I do not stand here with a nation of homosexual crusaders." Although he has had 'numerous' relationships with fellow inmates and remains a founding member of the 'Tuesday Nite Baby Oil Team', Mr. Moussaoui denies any knowledge of 'homosexuality' or its 'methods' or 'themes'. A casual inspection of his cell would reveal back issues of 'Boy!', 'Oh, boy!', 'Weekend Plumber' and...um..you get the picture.

Al-qaida and homosexual behavior have a long and proud tradition. Men living in the mountains with other men. The possibility of having a loving relationship is an effective tool used in recruiting efforts.

On sale at your favorite stores

2006-02-12T15:22:00.000-05:00

M,L,XL,XXL

$19.99

Ms.Slurpie 2002

2006-02-12T03:56:00.000-05:00

Remember when the French ruled the world? No, I don't either, but they tried to rule "pairs figure skating'-but failed. Naturally. Marie Reine Le Gougne, the French broad with the mink, short-changed the skaters from Canada, because she had 'orders' from the president of the French Skating Federation to give the Russians the highest score, because the Russian judge(s) would do the same for the 'French team' in another iced event. All hell broke loose. The French judges were taken out of Salt Lake City and sent back to Paris. Ms. Le Gougne was suspended for three years, even after displying her deep throat skills to the judges. Many in the skating world were shocked because many figured that Ms. Le Gougne could "slurp" her way out of this 'problem'. "She gratuated from the Sorbonne, so of course her oral skills are exemplary, very important in matters of diplomacy" said Jaques Monefft, professor of international policy. Many thought she may recieve a lifetime ban from the ISU (International Skating Union), but recieved only 3 years. She may be the author of the 'sucking' sound Ross Perot was talking about. It wasn't comming from Mexico, but from France!

Fixing an olympic event and getting caught through examination of video, on late nite television and sentenced for three whole years. The fix is in.

And I got the Jacket to Prove it !!

2006-02-11T20:55:00.000-05:00

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is wearing Jacket style #3401 in 'lite olive'. Produced by Members Only between 1989 and 1993. This piece is an example of the "David Hasselhoff" collection, a favorite of geeks, losers and child molesters.

Still a Member..

2006-02-11T20:25:00.000-05:00

Men's Wearhouse Inc. (NYSE:MW) denied reports that it was the "offical" clothier of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of Iran. President Ahmadinejad has shown the world in his brief tenure that he's a puppet, posses no political skills and is the worst dresser- four of Five homosexual fashion consultants say so..! (Yes..even worse that those African dictators that we see from time to time wearing the orange and brown 100% polyester shirts.)
"Oh, my yes..its terrible" says Artie Halfwitz, master tailor at Barney's New York. "They are cut too long, too big and what's with the Member's Only Jacket?" A spokesperson for Men's Warehouse ,Todd Raye, said that "We aren't the offical clothier to the President {of Iran}. Our store in Tehran was burned down months ago, in celebration of the new Muslim holy year. And we have never been a retailer of "Member's Only" products.
When a member of our WSPO staff contacted an offical in Tehran we were told, "many people are very proud of the president's good fashion. And he has never owned a jacket from Memeber's Only".

Gas Alarm

2006-02-08T22:30:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON - Eight senators were among 200 people who were held in a Capitol parking garage Wednesday night after a security sensor indicated the presence of nerve gas in their office building. Lawmakers, aides and other personnel were evacuated to the nearby West Legislative Garage shortly after 6:45 p.m. EST as police conducted several other tests before concluding that it was a false alarm. Capitol police were surprised to learn later in the day that Ted Kennedy had just been in the area and Mr. Kennedy is a well known source 'gas' that has triggered alarms since their installation over three years ago. "If we had known he was in the area sooner, these people wouldn't have had to be detained." said Capitol Police Sgt. Thomas Slagg. In areas of the capitol and senate that are frequented by the Senator, the sensors have been adjusted. "I'm not sure if its all the booze seeping out of his skin or his chronic turbulent farting or some combination, but he's doing something to set off my machines" said Terry Smith or Acme Alarm.

Chlamydia Strain Infecting Men

2006-02-06T20:45:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON -- A particularly bad strain of chlamydia not usually seen in this country appears to be slowly spreading among gay and bisexual men. Called LGV chlamydia, this sexually transmitted disease has caused a worrisome outbreak in Europe, especally in France, where some countries have confirmed dozens of cases. Diagnoses confirmed by U.S. health officials still are low, just 27. Chlamydia, aka "Pussy itch Syndrome", caused by bacteria, is among the most common sexually transmitted diseases. As many as 3 million Americans a year may become infected with common strains, best known for causing infertility in women and spineless infantile behavior in men. LGV can infect both sexes, although new cases diagnosed so far are among men having sex with men or primates.

Spring Lineup changes..

2006-02-06T20:12:00.000-05:00

New York, NY-- Due to recent developments, The WB has chosen to not air, "Mohammed's bodyguard". It was written as love story between two men, one just hapens to be a prophet. It was slated to air Thursday nights between 'Reba!" and the WB's new hit show "Slutz" or the alternative titled, "The Slamhound Experiment".

Crisis at the White House

2006-02-06T19:19:00.000-05:00

Washingtion DC-- The President called an emergency meeting this morning to address developments in throughout the Arab world. The main topic of course, "How did the Danes out manoeuvre The US in really pissing off the Arab world"? Many in the White House and the American press thought the the US had this distinction "locked up". Though brilliant advances in publishing and satire, Denmark has outplayed the US and the world. So biting where the Danish 'comments', a few French newspapers simply reprinted the now famous 'cartoons' for public discussion and many in the Arab street are burning French flags too..and calling for the "destruction of France". Israel still holds the top spot, but the US may now occupy a distant fourth. The US fourth?! And behind France..?? MERDE !!
If the US want's to remein relevant in the world it needs to regain its position in the Arab world.

Muslim World logic...

2006-02-06T18:54:00.000-05:00

Ok, so some tiny Danish newspaper printed a cartoon of Muhammad with a bomb in his turban. Who do this fuckin Danish think they are? Next thing we know, they will have drawings of Jesus picking his nose. We shouldn't try to understand the "muslim point of view", because I don't think anyone really cares, well I know I don't. And of course seeing images of the 'arab street' freaking out because of something so trivial is..well..funny. The Muslim world needs to incorporate some of the better elements of Western Civilization, other than roll-on deoderant. "Letters to the Editor" would be a good start. "Fuck em' if they can't take a joke" or the more popular American saying, "Fuck em'".

Secrets of Happiness

2006-01-28T02:14:00.000-05:00

Tokyo--A japanese guy, old, bald and with the customary gut claims to have "magic words" that make women think he's handsome. It might be working because, Hirohito Shibuya, 57, was living with a dozen young japanese girls. He would chant the 'spell' and the girls would swoon. He said, "When you say it, even unattractive men become attractive. But I won't say it because if I do, I'll die." He also had a stun gun and some tear gas. These were young girls, so yea..a Taser is a really good idea. This 'spell' may be easier to figure out than people think. Tried but true include...
**Why yes, my last name is Prada
**How did you get soo smart?
**Your so much hotter than your friends..but you knew that
**My Gulfstream is cool
you should get the idea..now the Taser thing..we should look into that.

It wasn't in the bones...

2006-01-26T23:40:00.000-05:00

New York-- Bear Stearns has chosen not to renew its employment contract with Ikemi Batoombi, famed witch doctor and securities/ fixed income analyst. Through a series of poorly judged reports and opinions, some Bear Sterns clients have voiced concern. "He came walking in here, stinking up the place-a sweaty ball sack smell and loaded up one of the offices with headless chickens..We were like who fuckin' hired this guy?!" Said a Bear analyst that wished to remain anonymous. It seems that Mr. Batoombi was a son of a tribal leader in Ziaire, controling hundreds of miles of jungle and desert..and it would seem billions of BTUs of natural gas. The elder Batoombi wanted his son to have a 'more rounded education' so he was sent to America to study at Stern (NYU) and gain employement, with the help of 'the exxon guy'.

A representative of Bear Stearns has stated that "Mr. Batoombi was a very valuable addition to the Bear Stearns team. However the direction which Bear Stearns wished to persue would make many positions unnecessary, including Mr. Batoombi's. We wish him all the best.." Another analyst has stated via phone that " after he (batoombi) issued a short-report on Google at $135, which fucking ruined careers, and filled his office with bloody chicken feathers..and that fucking smell..holy fucking shit!! This little creepy spook had to go!"

Sigmond sez..

2006-01-26T22:56:00.000-05:00

I would never do an 'unrated' feature. It would compromise my craft. I of course haven't had a job since my show was cancelled in 1974.... except for a cameo on Miami Vice in 1988.

Hardcore Penguin Action !

2006-01-26T22:23:00.000-05:00

OK, so your studio has a mediocre film on its hands and needs some wind in the sail to move it off the shelves. How to put lipstick on the pig? Unrated sex- ofcourse! To get the 18-25 year old segment, its effective to have some extra sex or nudity. Do you want to see Sponge Bob and Patrick make out? Do you wan't to see penguins getting it on against an ice flow? It may be a while before studios stop with this nonsense and concentrate on a good product.

More proof

2006-01-02T22:15:00.000-05:00

Hero or agent of doom?

2006-01-02T21:59:00.000-05:00

This guy fell out of his wheelchair and his cat called 911. Yea, his cat. Before everyone gets all loveyduby about this event, consider this. If a cat can dial 911, he can likely access the internet. Cats running wild on the information superhighway is a recipie for destruction. Like the machines in "The Terminator", once cats figure out that they don't need us anymore, it will mean war. Cats and war have gone together since time began. Ever since Knock-Kknuk got smashed over the head with a stone by Grock "the hairy", a cat a stood by.

Cat story in Ohio paper..

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060102/ap_on_re_us/911_cat_call;_ylt=Avkkj9CNn5LIlN9.mB6F6Uas0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3ODdxdHBhBHNlYwM5NjQ-

Christmas is Topeka..!!

2006-01-02T21:40:00.000-05:00

Yes, thats right! The sunny midwest destination that everyone is talking about(*). Between the Wal-Marts and the cattle feed stores is a small city that's dying. Many of the larger chain stores take a chance..and fail. Best Buy, Kohls and Barnes and Noble seem to be making a 'go of it'. Topeka is a town that has just gotten its first Starbucks (Wanamaker Rd). Oddly enough the only businesses that seem to be growing are mexican restaurants. Some are very good, small family owned/operated type. The best thing to say about the place is that its cheap. Central America cheap. Three bedroom, fireplace, balcony, carport for $500 a month cheap.

(*) Part of the new Topeka visitors bureau slogan.

Bubb Rubb on TO

2005-11-25T23:26:00.000-05:00

Superstar sensation, Bubb Rubb, has been burning up the charts with his new hit, "Woo Woo". He had a few things to say about the whole Terrel Owens situation.

"Yea, I got som things to say mutha fuka'. Yo, TO gots to learn to shut the fuck up. you know? We all know he can ball n' shit. But now the dumb mutha fucka out of a job. Now he's like every other dumb niga', sittin' on the coutch all day, scratching his balls! This fool kuda' been breaking NFL records! you know?...Make Howe Long shut the fuck up..And wipe that fuckin' whiteboy smirk of his dumb ass. Damn I know that Howe a bone smuggler! Anyway..now where TO suppoza' go? Atlanta? Shit! why would Vick want TO stinking the whole place up with his nasty butt crack? Kansas City? Chiefs suk so bad, TO would ax' to retire instead. Open a chain of Chicken n' Grape Soda joints. The only one dumb enuff is Al Davis. Mr. Davis don't take no shit from no one. If TO moufs' off to Mr. Davis, he gonna' be workin' the drive thru at one of Mr. Davis' Chicken n' Grape Soda joints"

Bubb's new video..

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/bubbrubbflash.html

Dahmer the musical

2005-11-24T18:12:00.000-05:00

The big idea guys on Broadway sure seem to bring out some grand ideas. A musical about Billy Joel, Jack the Ripper, Lestat( the vampyre), Elvis and now Jeffrey Dahmer. "We didn't focus so much on the murdering" says Alan Woods, producer. "Its really a love story. A story of a man who loves other men so much, he can't let them leave. I can understand his madness. Dahmer simply loved too much". Well, that may be but he also killed too much. When asked if there would be a scene in the show, where a man's butt is in a freezer Mr Woods said 'no'. "We have the set arranged with corpses , a few skulls and a refridgerator full of 'man-meat', tastefully done. But again were aren't doing a horror show, nothing like "Sweeney Todd".
When reading some of the rehersal score sheets, some of the songs seem grim, Silly boy you know I love ya'...It's just this darn necrophilia..
"We have hired some of the finest song writers in the business. I'm sure everyone will be amazed by our catchy tunes and wonderful show", said Mr. Woods.
Some of the songs written; "I love you too much to let you go", "He's cute he's drugged and he's MINE", "My happy hunting ground-Milwaukee", "You won't get away little monkey", "fresh butt in the freezer" and many more.

To get advanced tickets to the Dahmer, love story, musical...
http://broadway.yahoo.com/shows/show.php?s=dahmer

TO really fucked this one...

2005-11-23T21:27:00.000-05:00

Philly--For conduct proven to be a "destructive and continuing threat" to his team, an arbitrator ruled today that the Eagles were justified in suspending their All-Pro receiver for four games -- and are within their rights to deactivate him for the rest of the year. In other words, Terrell Owens, "you really fucked up". The arbitrator, Richard Bloch, wrote a 38-page decision and noted that there was "no violation of the labor agreement.." TO must have really, really fucked up. He's a great player, but he thinks he's on par with Joe Montana or Lawrence Taylor. Owen's isn't close. Yea, LT had a big mouth and was a fuckup but he "trashtalked" opposite teams, not his own. Owens suffers from LSD, Lead Singer Disease.

Boyshare saved !!

2005-11-22T23:31:00.000-05:00

VATICAN CITY - The
Vatican is toughening its stand against gay candidates for the priesthood, specifying in a new document that even men with "transitory" homosexual tendencies (fags) must overcome their urges for at least three years before being considered for the clergy. After lengthy and vigorous debate, it was decided that the Church's popular "Boyshare" program will not be closed. "Oh my, it would have been a disaster." says Father Robert Boeme. "Boyshare allows priests to truly gain rewarding relationships with boys all over the world. Many of our young learn lessons of life, from priests. "

Boyshare is a system set up to promote a rotation of boys through the parishes. Priests are allowed up to three boys at a time, but must return one prior to recieving a new one. All tranportation costs are paid for by the church. Its similar to Netflix without the monthly fee.

Some have said to WSPO that if Boyshare was reduced or cancelled. It would have caused chaos within the church. "Many of our most expirenced priests would have quit. For some, I suspect that access to Boyshare is the only reason they remain in the church." said a church member who wished not to be identified.

Performer's Warehouse

2005-11-22T23:08:00.000-05:00

The Christmas season is here and you know what that means.. All clown and mime supplies are on SALE, at Cheedo's Performer's Warehouse! The best stuff is here..Bubble balloons, Wigs from 3M, Glitters from Donovan Glitter Co., Jaque's mime paint (imported from France) and many other favorites.
The first 100 shoppers will recieve their choice of a free DVD of "Mime Madness", "Mime Extreme 05'" or "Mimes gone Wild".

Note: "Mimes gone Wild" is not suitable for viewers under 18 years of age.

Don't throw away those old Extinguishers..

2005-11-21T20:28:00.000-05:00

Send them to France. It seems that in areas surrounding Paris a series of fires have been unsuccessfully 'put out' by gangs of happy french muslim youths, because of their lack of extinguishers.
"Its appalling" said Vince Du mont', an aid to Domenique De Villepin. "If they had only had the equipment, thousands of these unexplained automobile fires could have been averted". Mr. De Villepin is quoted as saying the he, "blames the United States" for most of France's recent losses to fire. "They make millions of extinguishers and have millions to spare, and they hog up the world's supply of Sodium Biocarbonate. Its disgusting." Mr. De Villepin has asked Jacques Chirac, France's President, to address the UN with regards to America's unwillingness to cease hoarding "bicarbonates.."

I want my 30 bucks back

2005-11-21T19:16:00.000-05:00

Matthew Evans, LA, California, is suing the Company that owns "Match.com", IAC/Interactive Corp. He claims that they have hired girls who set up dates with men, who might otherwise cancel their memberships. This website has about 10-20 million subscribers and about 500 employees. How can even a small fraction be 'hoodwinked' into dating a Match.com employee? The math simply doesn't add up. The Match lawsuit was filed earlier this month in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles by plaintiff Mr.Evans, who contends he went out with a woman he met through the site who turned out to be nothing more than "date bait" working for the company. His lawyer from the firm, Scuzzy, Queeb, Phart and Guzzle, said that this type of corperate activity was a "grossly fraudulent practice".

Which was...almost as gross as some of the "babes" I hooked up with "Match.com". It was my fault to some degree, because my main requirement was "female". My mailbox was filled with pre-op, post-op and assortment of hideous "Carbon based life forms". Yes, I suppose if we threw out the obvious respondents with crippling gender indenty problems, the remaning group's Karyotype would denote the classical "XX" identification(s). However, I wasn't interested in Power Crystals, Vampyre Sex, Taxidermy, Glam rock, Extreme Piercings, Communist Poetry Readings, Pet Lizards, Body length Tatoos, watching old bootlegged VCR tapes of Gallagher, apartments with that wet dog urine smell, talking about (you) finishing film school and botched plastic surgeries. No interest.

Glitterati in Dubai

2005-11-21T18:43:00.000-05:00

Ho Chi Minh City-- Police have arrested Gary Glitter. He was wanted by police for questioning regarding allegations he had sex with two girls, one of whom was 15 and the other only 12, while living in the southern resort town. The age of consent in Vietnam is 16. Mr. Glitter has been on tour, getting "asked to leave" Cuba and Cambodia, for reasons described as having "lewd relations" with young girls. In other words, he's a pedderass. But in these modern times can't a rock star have sex with a few kids without the "pigs" getting involved?! Maybe..

Reports have surfaced that Mr. Glitter's associates are reviewing property in Dubai, for a potential new home. Michael Jackson is said to have called the city "wonderful" and "bursting with yummy boys". Mr. Jackson didn't have any fear of adding Mr. Glitter to the neighborhood, because he enjoys the company of those "icky lipsticky girls". It is said that Mr. Glitter was very interested in his friend's offer. It was about a two days prior to Mr. Glitter's first trip to Dubai, that a warrant for his arrest was issued. If and when Mr. Glitter makes Dubai his new home, he and Michael Jackson could attack entire school buses, like supersexed-superlewd-superbizarre superheros, filled with new "little friends", like Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell style.

Who the fuck are these guys?

2005-11-20T17:08:00.000-05:00

There was another meeting of the Useless last week and they wanted to gain "management and oversite" of the interenet. Yea, the whole fucking internet. Kids, the internet was invented by the US military and segued into our Universities, were it exploded in content, complexity, developers and users. So it begs the question, what the fuck do you (UN) have to do with the internet? The UN didn't invent it, develop it, finance it, promote it or anything else. When Marc Andreessen was developing the first, user friedly browser, Mosaic-Netscape, I'm willing to bet that he didn't cry out into the night, "I need the UN to help me with this fucking thing..!"

U.S. detractors (France) did not gain United Nations control of the Internet, the new agreement will create an body called the Internet Governance Forum that would convene in 2006 to discuss public policy issues related to key elements of Internet governance. Key elements? Like what I wonder? If we are talking of the UN, the imagination can run wild. UN Secretary General Kofi Annan said the United States deserved thanks for its work in creating the Internet, and had fairly and honorably performed its oversight duties. Gee Thanks! "Oversite duties"? Oversight through what authority? If Jeff Bezos wants to change some things around on AMZN, does he call Washington DC? No he doesn't. (unless ofcourse his boyfriend is in town)

The UN is full of fuck-ups. The UN has fucked up in all corners of the world. They are looking for a new place to ruin. They have their eyes on Cyperspace. They wan't to 'control it', 'tax it', 'edit it' and etc.

Listen kids, the Californian-pony-tailed-chubby-nerds (yes-the ones that still live with their moms), have done a great job keeping this thing alive and its integrity intact. If the computer nerds lose control to beurocrats, all will be lost.

Ooops!

2005-11-19T14:28:00.000-05:00

Al-Qaida scientists are working overtime in attempts to fix what can be best described as "faulty" munition guidance system. One of the latest attacks against the "infidels" resulted in over 60 dead muslims, most of which were killed in a blast at wedding party at the Raddison in Amman Jordon. Included in the dead was world famous Syrian film producer/director Moustapha Akkad. "Even the most juvenile system would identify that a wedding party wouldn't be a good place to find Americans, stinking Jewish scum and other infidels" said Rudolph Hohenzolleren, a Nazi scientist, and coworker of Wernher Von Braun, father of the modern rocket guidence system and lead scientist of the American Apollo space program. "If any of our V1 or V2 rockets landed in Berlin, Der Furer would have been pissed! Gott im Himmel !

Moustapha Akkad..who?

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0002160/

Taste the sadness...

2005-11-11T19:15:00.000-05:00

Remember when you were in High school and the dumb kids ruled the show? Then you went to University and realized that the dumb kids were well...dumb.?! THAT'S the way I feel about FOX cancelling ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

How fucking stupid can one be??!! I never watched the first season, i bought it on AMZN sight unseen. I had heard alot of good stuff about the show. I watched the first season on DVD like a crack- head. I laughed so hard, I couldn't breath. And as a modern man, breathing-next to beer drinking... is kinda' important. The second season wasn't available on DVD, so I downloaded it off of "Limewire". Like a true addict, i needed the fix for the vein in my brain. I have watched every episode and know many of the best lines. The dialog is written sharp enough to cut the head off of many a pin-head studio executive.. It's a banquet of developed characters, stupid antics and helpings of extreme wit. I hate to think that this show is too "high brow" for middle America, because I am from middle America-Topeka, KS. ( for Christ sakes!!) What are we supposed to watch? Paris Hilton's Labia Magic hour? Viva' La Lame? Full House II? The Apprentice?

If you haven't seen this show you MUST check it out. If you loved NIGHT COURT, then you'll HATE Arrested Development..(And go fuck yourself!). Night Court was one of those shows that alot of my friends watched, but I fucken HATED, because it was sooo fuckin' stupid. Buy it, steal it, gloam it...swallow it.. but just watch it. Its that fucking good!

I am a single white male, middle 30's... I live in the upper east side of Manhattan, New York City and I earn a comfotable six figure income.... I am an American Express card holder and travel alot (lots of disposable income here..!). And I watch Arrested Development.

Liberté, égalité, fraternité..?

2005-11-07T23:49:00.000-05:00

It's Monday night. In the US that means football. Lately, in France, it means another nite of riots. If they riot tonight, this will be the twelfth. Burning cars, burning storefronts, youths running through smoked choked streets, confused bureaucrats and more Offical French nonsense. Paris would be wise to note a page from Abraham Lincoln's playbook, (1858) when he noted that "a house divided against itself can not stand.."
These 'freedom fighters" are mad about something. It would appear that in France there is more "going on" than the usual.. pastis, cigarettes, Le Monde and Maurice Chevalier.

Love in Tampa

2005-11-07T19:17:00.000-05:00

Can't a couple of Cheerleaders (of the Carolina Panthers, an NFL team) have some sex without the whole fuckin' world blowing up?! Renee Thomas (blonde) and Angela Keathley were getting it on in a bathroom stall at some bar in Tampa and some bitch had to get all, well,... bitchy. Instead of just waiting her turn, she got the cops involved. Upon being forced out of the restroom, Ms. Thomas, in a fit, because she didn't have time to nut, smacked the angry girl waiting outside. All hell broke loose: Police, TV cameras, Mullets twiching, Police Dogs, riot foam, mimes, tipped over buckets of chicken wings and a crushed cardboard "Coors Lite" party bus.
The Panther organization can't fire these 'naughty girls' because they are now so popular. The stadium is full of beer drinking alpha males that love football, beer and yes..naughty girls.

NYC Marathon 2005 II

2005-11-06T19:32:00.000-05:00

The green squares are sponges. They are dunked in cold water and provided to the runners. After use, the runners just drop them on the street.

NYC Marathon 2005'

2005-11-06T19:16:00.000-05:00

The Madness of the French...

2005-11-04T00:48:00.000-05:00

Well, they are at it again. Yea, I'm talking about the French love affair with disobedience. Maybe if they were as disobedient towards the Nazi's, maybe history wouldn't record DeGaul as being such an incompetent asshole. Anyway, everything in France doesn't seem as is. Yes, I know. It's a shocker. Decades of overpaid, oversexed, unresponsive and unaccountable bureaucrats have finally rubbed the state raw. They are mad as hell and they aren't gonna take it anymore. These riots have swelled into a broader challenge against the French state. The violence has exposed deep discontent in neighborhoods where African and Muslim immigrants and their French-born children are trapped by poverty, unemployment, racial discrimination, crime, poor education and housing. It would seem that no amount of "sweet talk" or "poetry" that erupts from Dominique de Villepin's hole can calm the storm. The vast mass of French political doubletalk and bullshit has finally buckled under the weight of its own nonsense. And its come home to roost, among the suburbs of Paris.
Dominique de Villepin has often spoke about the importance of following the "french" form of government, not the "anglo-saxon" (USA, UK) . Well it would seem the French Model is working wonders. They deserve it, good and hard.

Mayor Race II

2005-10-30T12:04:00.000-05:00

It seems very odd that the 'public' has a problem with the amount of money mayor Bloomberg is spending on his re-election, current tab $60 million(+). The issue isn't if Bloomberg will win, but how much he is out spending his challenger, Ferrer. It would seem that Ferrer is going to be "smoked" on election day. The most generously liberal publications have him trailing Bloomberg by about 30 points. We live in a country where "space enthusiast", Gregory Olsen, will spend $20 million to up into orbit for a few days. Is it odd to spend $60 million to become mayor of the Earth's most loved city for four years?

The question shouldn't be why Bloomberg will spend so much money to become mayor, but why would Ferrer spend ANY MONEY to gain a position that he has no chance of obtaining. Its like buying a bag of old lottery tickets. What's the point? And some of Ferrer's money is our tax dollars. Bloomberg is spending only his own money.

Braver Heart

2005-10-30T04:18:00.000-05:00

Hollywood,CA-- Sylvester Stallone has purchased the rights to "Braveheart II" for an undisclosed sum. Icon Pictures, owned by Mel Gibson, had owned the rights but chose to sell them. "Mr. Gibson is simply too busy with too many projects." says Issac Meyers, a hollywood producer and friend of Mr. Gibson. "I think he wanted to develop his craft and production(s) toward a different and more challenging direction." The film, yet untitled, should be in theatres by Christmas 2006.

Mayor race

2005-10-30T02:49:00.000-05:00

Things are getting strange in New York's mayoral race. Current Mayor Bloomberg has the support of the (liberal rag) NY Times, NY Post and many others. The Democratic candidate, Fernando Ferrer has recieved strong support from Screw Magazine and 'luke warm' support from Barely Legal. In its US Politics section, Barely Lagal gave Ferrer points for having a moustache but lost even more points for looking like a 'creep'. In an oddly simmiliar theme, Screw Magazine was supporting "Mayor Ferrer", because he seemed the candidate most likely to be arrested in an "underage internet kiddy porn" sting.

ipod problems..

2005-10-27T00:37:00.000-04:00

New York- I need some help. This hooker took my ipod. Her name is "Lazer". Yea, she's an ok GFE and offers greek if your interested. But my ipod had all of David Cassidy's greatest hits and the early works of Quiet Riot. How does one replace that which is unreplacable? ugh!

He grows a good Moustache

2005-10-21T00:20:00.000-04:00

I wasn't raised in NYC, but I live here. So I view the upcomming Mayoral election with a gimlet eye. New York City is infested with liberals. And every few years they try to raise a new king. This time around they have chosen Fernando Ferrer to run against the current mayor Mike Bloomberg. Mr. Ferrer has advertised himself as the candidate that has "worked his way up" and would never 'buy' the job of being mayor. This of course is a jab at Mayor Bloomberg, because he's rich, yea 'fuck you money' rich. Billions and billions of dollars. Founder and owner of Bloomberg L.P. He owns 72% of the LP and receives an 84.55% share of the profits. Enough money to built and furnish his own Death Star. Bloomberg is a good mayor. He isn't Rudy Guiliani, but good enough to get re-elected.
After loosing the last election for mayor Mr. Ferrer took a job as president of the Drum Major Institute, a liberal policy group. Yet he claims to wear a badge of honor for 'working his way up'.
As an 'outsider' it is still painfully obvious that Mr. Ferrer has no chance to be elected mayor. You know, like trying to force a marshmallow through a 3 inch steel door-ain't happening.
But this is New York. And as noted earlier, infested with liberals. Alot of really dumb rich liberals. Remember David Dinkins? (Yea, even current liberals refuse talk about his fucked up term as mayor) So who knows how this will really pan out. But the NY Times seems to be reporting the day-to-day developments like someone on a hunger strike. Somebody always gets food into the protestor's stomach. They never die. (But all of the protestors starving themselves against "big oil", how effective were they? Well, my XOM and CVX dividends are still comming in...so not much. Thank God..!) Ugh! Dear NYT readers this is gonna' be a bad one. So stock up on bleach and plastic bags.

Freddy's own words..
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/col/ferrer/

The big NO

2005-10-02T10:57:00.000-04:00

Washington-- The lights were on, the cameras were live and the nation was watching, so this House Select Committee had to put on a grand performance. It looked like a old porno circa 77'. Michael Brown was yelled at and talked 'down to' in tones that one never sees on 'The Hill'. Brown appeared before a special congressional panel set up by House Republican leaders to investigate the catastrophe, post hurricane Katrina. His job as FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) director was already gone, so he had nothing to lose. "I'm happy you left," said Rep. Christopher Shays, R-Conn. "That kind of look in the lights like a deer tells me you weren't capable of doing that job."
Rep. Gene Taylor, D-Miss., told Brown: "The disconnect was, people thought there was some federal expertise out there. There wasn't. Not from you." Brown blamed others for most government failures in responding to Hurricane Katrina, especially Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. Brown also said that in the days before the storm, he expressed his concerns that "this is going to be a bad one" in phone conversations and e-mails with
President Bush's, White House chief of staff Andy Card and deputy chief of staff Joe Hagin. Brown said the lack of an effective evacuation of New Orleans before the storm was "the tipping point for all the other things that went wrong."
A "mandatory" evacuation was ordered Sunday by Mayor Nagin. However, transportation was not provided and thousands of residents were stranded.

Doesn't the Governor and Mayor have some responsibility here? The "hurricane evac"plan that was developed wasn't followed. Why? They are the locally elected officials. Dysfunctional? I don't think it was necessary to say that Louisiana was disfunctional, the whole country could see that on TV. Almost half of the police department didn't show up for duty. (This would NEVER FUCKING happen in NYC) Shootings, lootings, rape and all the other crap that goes on in ghettos. When an 'armed gang' was shot at by the National Guard, because they were shooting at telephone repair crews, I laughed. Jeez, what a fuckin' shithole! Even the police are being arrested for looting. If this isn't disfunctional, what is?

In a few months after a lot of research of phone calls, emails and etc. I'm willing to bet that it will come out that the Louisiana Governor, Kathleen Blanco and Mayor Ray Nagin are super-duper fuck-ups. And that this guy, Brown and his agency, FEMA, were powerless against Louisina's 'fuckupedness'.

New Orleans was a dirty corrupt town of unimaginable stink. If Neptune claims it, let him have it. Why should the rest of the nation pay to 'rebuild' New Orleans? If its worth rebulding private enterprise will take care of it.

Police looters

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/09/29/nopd.looting/

Oil, black gold..Texas tea..

2005-10-02T01:42:00.000-04:00

Our whole society is effected by Oil, or its price. The Bush administration is not doing enough to push for energy conservation as fuel costs skyrocket since Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, Sen. Maria Cantwell (pictured) of Washington state said Saturday in the Democrats' weekly radio address.
It seems odd that Liberals are the ones fighting the development of new oil and gasoline infactructure(s), but are also angry about its 'price'. EVERY member of congress, liberal-that is, should be forced to complete a basic economic course, three credit hrs. Maybe, just maybe, some of these stupid, truly moronic ideas and comments will never come to 'the top'. You can't create a buch of laws and rules for the oil industry..and THEN critizize this same industry if they can't deliver "cheap" gasoline and Oil(s) after negoiating through all of your (liberal) bullshit rules and nonsense.
Business will ALWAYS find a way to profit form a situation. One CAN'T make a law or rule setting prices for anything, gasoline, milk, sugar, tobacco, coffee..etc. It creates shortages. If the price of gasoline is $10/gallon, then that's what it is. Either one can get gasoline at $10 or nothing at $9. period.

People in California should pay an extra $1/gallon 'stupid' tax. NIMBA (not in my back yard) was pioneered in California. The citizens of CA need more eletricity AND more gasoline. However, the politics of the region won't allow for the construction of new processing plants or refineries. This is why its sooo expensive to 'do business' in California. Nevada and Arizona like it. California needs to do what is 'correct', not what the liberal bomb throwers wan't. But maybe that is the way our democracy is supposed to work, letting CA make really dumb choices, and have to "suck it", for the next few years...

who knows..?

Gallo Genius

2005-09-17T22:04:00.000-04:00

New York, NY--Multi-talented performer and self proclaimed ubergenius Vincent Gallo, 43, has a new film debueting at the Sun Valley Film Festival next month, "Andy Yank". It promises to be more contriversal and disturbing than Mr. Gallo's last film, "Brown Bunny". Brown Bunny was a five minute blowjob scene with Chloe Sevigny doing the suckling. Even though Roger Ebert said that it was "the worst movie at Cannes", it still did some business. Chloe Sevigny working a knob with her mouth sells tickets!

'Andy Yank' is a film written, directed and staring Mr. Gallo. It's based on the Andy Yankovich story, where in brooklyn 1962, a young and viciously disturbed man had locked and barricaded himself in an apartment, filling his days with drinking vast amounts of booze, chronic masturbation, self fellatio, dreaming of bizarre sexual fantasies and eventually a grizzly murder. "Its a film only a genius would make." says Terry Yolk, Mr. Gallo's agent. "His craft will stun the world. And Vincent really did his own self-fellatio scenes. He didn't use any of that ILM crap. This is real movie making. Sam Peckinpah would be proud!"

When Peckinpah was making "Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia", I don't think its the same 'head' that Mr. Gallo seems preoccupied with.

NASDAQ: SHRP

2005-09-06T01:30:00.000-04:00

New York ,NY-- Nothing pisses me off more than a really stupid commericals. For those that do not live in the USA, our television is spiked with commericals, touting the benifits of buying really dumb, useless and overpriced crap. I was watching Spongebob and Patrick get into their usual adventures one afternoon, when Sharper Image Inc. came on the television with a three or four minuite advertisement. It was an ad explaining the advantages of buying the "Ionic Breeze" for my home or auto. This is where they lost me. Jgonzz, our editor, earns enough money from the Zamboni business (also comic book sales on Ebay) to purchase pretty much what he wants, including the new GI Joe with the kung Fu grip. I do not, however, own an Ionic breeze. And I haven't figured out why I would need one. These things cost about $500! Do you know how many Asisn hookers that buys?!

I have never heard of an 'air cleaner' for a car. I would think that opening the window or moonroof would do the trick.

I would never buy an 'ionic breeze'. First of all I know what an Ion is. Its similar to a Neutrino. A million could cruise right through your forehead and you'd never know it. So why is this thing called an 'Ionic Breeze"? Somebody thought the name sounded cool. Other suggestions.."Staten Island Breeze, Sweaty Turkish Armpit Breeze, Uranus Breeze, Iron Pyrate Breeze, garbage disposal goo breeze", you get the idea.

An Ionic Breeze for the car? Is this more efficent than opening a window? I doubt it. It sounds like old fashioned snake oil to me. I think Sharper Image is going to crash, right into the ground. And they wish to sell as many of these 'ionic' things as possible.

A lesson in Ions...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ion

And If you wish to purchase one of these dumb things...

http://www.sharperimage.com/us/en/catalog/productview/sku=SI861SNX/hppos=1

Good Morning Dubai...!!

2005-09-06T00:41:00.000-04:00

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates-- There has been alot of talk about Michael jackson moving to Dubai. Our sources tell us that the ' gloved one' wishes to move overseas because American boys have become 'too fat'. "Mr. Jackson prefers boys that have a moderate amount of muscle tone." says an unamed source. " American boys have gotten too fat playing 'x-box' and sitting on the couch all day."
The UAE has a very strict list of studdies and exercises for all students. The boys must undergo a regimen of physical exhaustion, prior to moving to the next grade. It is this physical examination that brings Mr. Jackson to Dubai.
"Dubai forces their young boys to exercise towards the extreme" says Mr. Aonymous. " It is these young tan muscles that bring Mr. Jackson to the table."
Our source expressed interest in finding another job, because he thought it was only a 'matter of time' before Mr.Jackson was caught in the arms of a boy. " He loves the taste of young boys. Period...!" said our source.
He finished by saying, " I hope he knows what he's doing..because if they(Dubai govt) catches him in with a boy, they'll cut his fucking head off..! They don't care how much his gay petter-ass is worth."

Deutschland erwache

2005-09-05T00:59:00.000-04:00

What ever happened to Germany? If anyone has a casual interest in history and has read a book or two, it’s hard to find a subject that hasn’t been affected by German hands. WWI yea, they lost. WW II, lost again. It’s befitting because they started the whole fucking war. Losing sucks. But let’s face it. It was for the best. So back to the original question, what happened to Germany?

Well, It still has the third largest economy, only behind the US and Japan. And they are the world largest exporter. But the German economy is keeping warm on the embers of its economic past. The great economy is now called the ‘sick man of Europe.” Jobs are gushing out of the country. The newly formed states in the east are hungry for investment and job creation. The red tape is light, compared to that of Germany or France. And France’s greatest industry is the production of ‘red tape’, 3M’s greatest competitor.

Direct investment from the US was about $3.5 billion, while direct investment to the US from Germany was about $21 Billion. Listen kids, when your homegrown capital markets find greener fields in foreign lands, producing such an odd ratio, it should gain anyone’s attention, like a crying shrieking baby on an overbooked overseas flight. And why are these German fields not worth plowing? Like a field of blade breaking stones, Labor's quest for power is to blame. The Labor movements in Germany have evolved into a quasi-communist, socialist force. This force doesn’t care about the ‘state’ but only of its political power. It's become a heavy stone around the neck of the state. The problem is that the harder labor tightens its grip on the German economy, the more jobs leave to points east. Its becoming less of a grip and more of a grasp. Germans have become fat, lazy and french. Six weeks paid vacations and vast non-cash benefits are driving the Germany’s economic future into the arms of another. The growth rate is already about zero. And the unemployment rate is about 6 million, that about 10%! What qualities did German labor adopt over the last thirty years? Idleness, sluggishness, ambling, slothful, lackadaisical, over priced and a few more to be sure. Are these the qualities that made Bosch? Krupp?

Martin Luther, Goethe, Bach, Beethoven, Durer, Kepler, Planck, Hertz, Leibniz, Bosch, Siemens, Diesel, Daimler and yes, Benz, have been dead for many years. Where are the Germans that are to replace them? Continue their works? Germany has become a population of ‘also-rans’, claiming some sort of victory while clutching a 3rd place ribbon. Gerhard Schroder has done a good job fucking the country up, wasting its talents or selling them for pennies on the dollar. I would have said Deutschmark, but even that’s fucking gone too!

Will Ms. Merkel do what needs to be done? Who knows? But what I do know, is that Schroder and Chirac need to be kicked out of Berlin.

Route for sale

2005-09-04T23:47:00.000-04:00

Chicago,IL--Local businessman, Cecil Matthews, 46, is looking forward to retiring in South Carolina and want's the public to know that his profitable 'routes' are available for sale.
Mr. Matthews, a graduate of Chicago's Kellogg School of Management, started his career as a consultant at the CBOE, but found the hours long and the pay low. "I had all these degrees and not enough money to pay off all my college loans. So I figured I had to become an entrepreneur of some kind, but I didn't know what..you know? So after a few weeks of narrowing my fields down, I decided to become a pimp." says Mr. Matthews "It was hard at first. Girls freaking out on drugs, getting cut up by freaked out tricks, pussy infections, police looking for payments, other pimps looking to steal my girls or my clients..shit! I didn't know it was gonna' be this fuckin' hard! know what I mean? Well, after a few years and lots of hard life lessons, I figured it all out. I was making a comfortable six figure income. Well now, I'm looking to retire. I bought a house in South Carolina, so I need to sell my business."

The buyer would get about twenty five high quality girls that 'love fucking' and that range in age from 17 to 38. Of this group, four are Asian girls, all under 20, and under contract for at least another three years. Also included in the sale is a 1976 DeVille, with aftermarket installed ice machine. "When you are pimping in these long hot summer nights, one has got to stay cool..frosty. So, I had this ice machine installed, because I love my gin n' juice, but it gotsta' have ice." said Mr. Matthews. Also included is two pallets of condoms and about 15 cases of penicillin.

All records of payment and employee records available upon request. Any interested persons should request information from Mr. Matthews' solicitor at the following address..

Daley & Assoc.
121 N La Salle Suite 507
Chicago, IL 60602

Say it ain't so Po..!

2005-09-03T19:23:00.000-04:00

Washingtion,DC-- In a series of questions from reporters yesterday at the White House, Donald Rumsfeld couldn't explain how the American arsenal of powerful psychics couldn't warn authorities of the destruction of New Orleans, in the wake of hurricane Katrina. "We are reviewing all communications, including emails from all members of the Psychic branch of the military." Said Mr. Rumsfeld. "We weren't surprised about Ms. Cleo. In my opinion she's useless. But even Po (of Telletubby fame) failed to 'see anything'! This was a shock to many of us."

A spokesperson from John Edwards, host of 'Crossing Over' on the Sci-Fi Network, called our office and offered an explaination. "Earlier this year Mr. Edwards proclaimed that there would be a series of strong storms hitting Florida and the surrounding area." said the spokesperson. "Mr. Edwards was on vacation in Bora Bora when hurricane Katrina became an issue. Since he was on the otherside of the world, he couldn't be expected to perceive anything, because all of his psychic powers would have been weakened due to the great distance. And there is alot of negative energy between Florida and Bora Bora. It would have been impossible."

When we heard of Mr. Edward's excuse for failure, we offered another question to his spokesperson. Last December Mr. Edwards claimed to forsee the Tsunami disaster in Indonesia. Wasn't Indonesia on the otherside of the world of Mr. Edwards when he made this claim? Is Mr. Edwards simply loosing his power? The spokesperson offered no explanation but did promise to contact us with an update.

Thousands dead or missing. An entire city in ruins. Billions in property damage. New Orleans wasn't called by one single psychic. How can the Untited States be expected to protect its assets and citizens when our first line of defence is proving to be so powerless?

Third Reich Fashion

2005-09-03T13:32:00.000-04:00

New York-- Many of the world's greatest fashion designers have often wondered how the Nazi's lost the war, when, even to the untrained eye, their fashion technologies and designs were far superior. "The allies weren't very fashion conscious" says, Prof. Ira Scott, chief currator of the Fashion Museum of New York. "Many in the fashion community had lobbied congress, prior to the US entering the war, offering ideas of good designs, colors and fabrics. These calls landed on deaf ears, because you can see what we got-olive green. Everything was olive green!" Jean Paul Gaultier has said that "green is good for the frogs, not for dressing a modern man."

Anyone who has purchsed a good trenchcoat($1500+) should know that the 'air flow' design(s) and the drape like features were designed by top secret Fashion Regiments of the Third Reich. Karl Lagerfeld, german born designer and known for being flaky and obnoxiously gay, said "These grand men of the Reich, they had color, form, fine cuts and strong masculine lines. Even today I see these strong young men, draped in black leather, complete with the Iron Cross, It makes me proud to be a German..also it makes me moist".

Isaac Mizrahi, an American designer, has offered the idea, seen as blasphemous in the fashion community, that the way an army looks isn't as important as it fights. "I'm sure they had some beautifully crafted leather coats, but they won't stop a bullet, right? I mean some of these pieces are wonderful, but they were creeps(nazis), well tailored creeps. Fortunately their fashion superiorty couldn't carry the day (save them)."

The debate continues...

Kansan outsources Wife...

2005-09-02T19:25:00.000-04:00

Kansas City, KS-- Brilliant tax accountant and Washburn University graduate (95'), Warren Smyth, 34, found and exploited a valuable Federal Tax loophole. "I was working late one night, a few years ago and after a series of footnotes and boring essays, I realized something odd in my tax journals. If I outsourced my wife, to three, maybe four women or more over a 360 day period, I could claim all of them as dependants, lowering my taxable income." recalls Mr. Smyth. "I would need a maid, gardener, sexual surrogate, asian schoolgirl (bukkake ninja), emotional confidant, slave, cheerleader, neighborhood slamhound and various other helpers."

"We weren't so sure if this whole thing that Mr. Smyth was advocating was legal." says, Amy Grome, case officer for the IRS. "There is a set of rules that do exist under section 3504. (Pub. L. 94-455, title XIX, Sec. 1906(b)(13)(A), 90 Stat 1868) The idea behind the rule, was that women were needed to work after the Civil War to not only help rebuild the infrastructure but basic industries as well. Tax reciepts for the nation were critically low. So, if a man could utilize a surrogate or maybe ten, it would be good for the economy, and thus an increase in the tax reciepts generated by our department. Its obviously outdated (the rule), but its still on the books. The only question our department had concerning Mr. Smyth method's was his use of a 'bukkake ninja'. We can't find this occupation in any of our databases."

Mr. Smyth isn't offering any advice concerning his new method(s) of tax avoidance. He plans to have a book available this fall, published by Harvard Press.

Mr. Smyth's new book, Hallelujah!, to be availabe here...

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0131859236/qid=1125705880/br=1-5/ref=br_lf_b_5//103-2853572-9094219?v=glance&s=books&n=2537

Chicken Exit

2005-09-02T14:46:00.000-04:00

Farmingdale,NY--For the second time in one week, a person has died from injuries suffered at the Adventureland amusement park. This latest accident involved a 45-year-old woman that was thrown from a ride into a nearby parking lot! "Of course she had the asphalt to soften her landing" said Alex Anders, Adventureland General Mgr. "We in the Adventureland Family wish to offer our heartfelt condolences. We will provide the deceased's family a full refund of the parking fee and also a '90 day funpass' that can be used at any Adventureland Fun Parks across the USA."

This accident follows a death of a park employee, Stephen Gary, an 18-year-old from North Babylon, two days ago. He suffered massive internal injuries after being struck by the Lady Bug Roller Coaster, a ride designed for children. New Yorker's may remember that Mr. Anders offered 'heartfelt condolences' and an explaination that it was an instance of 'natural selection'. Adventureland officals argued that Mr. Gary was an 'D-' student, not bound for any accredited four year university and was perhaps still a virgin. "Thining the herd is an act of god." said Mr. Anders. "Adventureland, Adventureland Properties, Adventureland Industries and its parent company Gulf + Western Oil, inc, have no responsibility for the action, actions or inaction of god or any of his assigned agents."

When confronted with the facts that Adventureland's latest victim was a mother and a university graduate, hence a valuable member of society, Mr. Anders offered no response. But offered that lawyers for Adventureland would craft a document to respond to its latest death.

So, next time you are in the NYC area, you might wan't to stay the fuk away from...
http://www.adventureland.us/

A Super Giant

2005-08-30T22:49:00.000-04:00

Upon reflection, we at the WSPO began to think,"just how big is Star Jones' um..star?" She is on a 'hit' TV show that none of our friends watch, but we hear it's a 'big deal'. Ms. Jones' has developed a 'signature collection' of wigs that are very popular with prostitutes and homosexual transvestites. The "You Go Girl!" collection is a strong seller.

Ms. Jones may have made a few bucks selling ad space and access to her wedding. For some reason advertisers thought it would be a good idea (and in good taste) to advertise at someone's wedding. We gather here so that these two may join in marrige, but first a few words from Pepsi...In the future, family members that suffer the loss of a loved one, could recoup some of the funeral costs, if they sold some advertising space on the casket, like NASCAR.

If you were so lucky to attend the wedding, you no doubt were amazed by the bountiful "goody bag". It contained such traditional items as; a Bally's one year membership, a pair of Payless shoes, a can of taint freshener from Johnson Wax, Lancome Resurface Peel Treatment, Takeouts! (silicone bra inserts), a Mario Pinball Land game and a Game Boy handheld.

So, how big is this Star? From the looks of it she's big. And only gettin' bigger.

Wigsite..http://www.especiallyyours.com/dept.asp?dept_id=113&mscssid=&adsrc=

Wedding-goodybag site..http://www.starandal.com

Ode to a Tart

2005-08-30T21:51:00.000-04:00

New York,NY-- As hurricane Katrina was over New Orleans, tragedy struck the upper east side today, as hurricane Spalding formed and proceeded to destroy property and injure no less than 300 people. It began when Star Jones and Rosie O' Donnell both demanded the last remaining Strawberry Tart, from world famous restaurant and purveyor of desserts-Payard.

Payard Patisserie, located at 74th and Lexington Ave., has a wide variaty of assorted cakes, tarts and desserts.(Many of the WSPO staff have been banned from Payard, since the 'June 17th incident'. This concerned a seires of misunderstandings and bizarre events involving chocolate, carrot cakes and a sugar induced rage, followed by brief periods of 'after meal napping'.) Their Strawberry Tart is a signature item, and often sold out. "It was crazy, loco" says Louis, an employee at Payard. "They were yelling and knocking things over, I had to cover my ears. We were all scared. After a few moments of pushing, shoving and pulling of hair, Mrs. Jones exhaled a massive belch of hot air or gas, throwing Ms. O'Donnell out the door and across the street, busting out all of our windows, flipping over a few parked cars and damaging three taxis. I thought 'oh, that killed that irish lady', but she came right back! It was like lightning and thunder in here, so I ran a jumped behind the Hobart!"

Lexington Ave. was littered with debris, broken glass, damaged cars, even a few missing or bent manhole covers and the injured. "It was like a freakin' bomb went off!" says Scott Bishop, of the NYPD. "We had alot of injuries. We had injuries all the way near First Ave! All because these two bitches couldn't work out an agreement over a cupcake!?"

Well, actually it was a tart. And obviously they couldn't work things out. So, some innocents got injured. These are two big Hollywood stars. They can't be bothered to care, they have staffers or interns to do that sort of thing.

The Red Cross and various state emergency agencies were on the scene within a few hours to help with the injured, dazed and newly homeless. Mayor Bloomberg says it may take the city at least two years to rebuild.

Represenatives for Mrs. Jones and Ms. O'Donnell didn't return our calls for this story.

If you are in the NY area sometime next year, they should be reopened...

http://www.payard.com/manhattan/

Chinese stealing things..again

2005-08-30T01:43:00.000-04:00

Lance Armstrong, seven time Tour de France winner(some writers have begun calling it the Tour de Lance), cancer surviver (he had his right testicle removed and two brain lesions.) and a world famous Texan, has had a small problem with his foundation, the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Its agenda is to raise money to fund the research necessary to fight and one day defeat cancer, to support cancer victims and survivors and to raise awareness . One of its most successful fund raising initaives was the marketing of the "Live Strong" wristband at a price of $1. As of May 2005, over 50 million Livestrong wristbands have been sold, raising tens of millions for Mr. Armstrong's foundation. So..what's the problem?

Six people have pleaded guilty to charges connected to the sale of thousands of phony LiveStrong wristbands and have turned over $100,000 to the Lance Armstrong Foundation, Attorney General Eliot Spitzer's office said Monday. In March, undercover investigators bought 1,000 of the counterfeit wristbands from a Manhattan storefront (for those that don't know New York, this means "Chinatown", Canal street). Investigators said they found 81,000 more in storage and at a home in Queens. Authorities said importer Eastlink International Inc. distributed the wristbands to retailers around New York City. They are; Li Ping Liang Chen, Su Qin Weng, Wei Hua Chen, Su Ping Qu and Xi Chen. (Phew..!) We got enough here to add a few miles of track to the Union Pacific! Somebody call Tommy Durant!*

Can't a guy raise a few bucks to help save some lives without someone trying to generate or steal a 'break off'? Have you ever seen a little kid fighting for his life, against cancer? If you have, then you'd want to drop these scumbags in a giant "in-sink-erator". All we gotta' do is build it..

(*) For those who aren't familiar with T. Durant (the original scamartist)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/historic_figures/durant_thomas_clark.shtml

I always miss the good deals..

2005-08-29T14:47:00.000-04:00

In the folder lebeled...

2005-08-28T23:26:00.000-04:00

"I'm so desperate for media attention that I'm willing to meet this asshole" added another entry when Jesse Jackson met with Hugo Chavez in Venezuela. The U.S. civil rights leader condemned last week's suggestion by Pat Robertson, an old religious cracker, that American agents should kill the leftist Venezuelan leader, calling the conservative commentator's statements "immoral" and "illegal." Pat Robertson has about as much political power as Jesse Jackson, not enough to run a 5000BTU air conditioner. The last time Jesse ran for the US presidency he generated 0.00 electorial votes, which was the same as me..and I didn't even fucking run.

This Chavez guy is a "Castro-want-a-be". He doesn't have Castro's political mind or charisma, but Venezuela has oil. That means money. Dollars. Real ones, not those stupid worthless "Cuban Peso's" that even cab drivers in Havana don't accept.

So, why is Jesse meeting this guy? We're sure money is involved, Rainbow PUSH coalition could use a few dollars. And the event is recorded by the international media, a plus. Even though Jesse is getting money from his savy theft of the "River North distributorship", a Anheuser-Busch beer distributor, his political causes must eat up alot of cash.
So, how does Jesse's visit to Venezuela help exploited poverty stricken black Americans?

That New York Magic

2005-08-28T02:37:00.000-04:00

New York--A New York woman told NYPD that while she was riding the R Train, about 3pm, a man was 'touching' himself. As the woman's photograph shows, he isn't actually touching himself, but in fact pumping his 'unit', utilizing an unusual grip, identifed by one of the WSPO staff as variation of the "Capablanca-Morphy" reversed.

This idiot-pervert has about a 0.0000013% chance of NOT being recognized and arrested. He looks like someone that works in sales or probably a lawyer.

The WSPO added the 'smiley' to the woman's picture, because we don't want any nudity on our site. And If we did approve nudity, it wouldn't be of some guy's junk.

The woman's account and pictures...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/94886948@N00/35501732/in/photostream/

Norwood Type VI

2005-08-24T23:33:00.000-04:00

Hollywood--Jeremy Piven, performer in such films as PCU, Grosse Point Blank, Black Hawk Down, Old School and the HBO series The Entourage, has taken a long and rough road to achieve his current star status. This road has gone through numerous offices of plastic and reconstructive surgeons. "Jeremy doesn't make any bones about it. He is very happy with the results that he has seen over the last three years, concerning his hair." said Carl Breese, a longtime friend of Mr. Piven. "He's had about six operations, in an effort to rebuild his thinning hairline. The first few times were disastrous. Jeremy wouldn't leave his house without a cap or a paper bag. He spent over $15,000 to get the "Steven Wright" look. And Mr. Wright's hair makes him look like a fucking clown. Because they used most of Jeremy's available 'donor hair' for the first two procedures, they needed to find another source. So, somebody contacted 'George' to provide some of his back hair, to affix to Jeremy's scalp".

George 'The Animal' Steele was a well known professional wrestler in the early to late 80's, even appearing in the Johnny Depp film, Ed Wood, in 1994. Mr. Steel was contracted to provide at least 15 cm/2 of hair for Mr. Piven, for an undisclosed amount of cash. It took four procedures and alot of George's hair to get Mr. Piven's head straight. "This last procedure will be Jeremy's last, I think." says, Mr. Breese "If Jeremy needs to have yet more procedures in the future, he can't use George anymore. He's all tapped out. Jeremy will have to contact one of the Muppets or something." We'll keep our fingers crossed, at least for Animal's sake.

Ándale! Ándale!...Arriba! Arriba!

2005-08-23T18:05:00.000-04:00

Tallahassee, FL-- The NCAA will allow Florida State to use its "Seminoles" nickname in postseason play, removing the school from a list of colleges with Native American nicknames that were restricted by an NCAA decision earlier this month. The NCAA recently said it would prohibit teams from using mascots the NCAA has deemed "hostile and abusive" in its postseason tournaments. Who determines what is 'hostile and abusive', society at large or the self appointed officers of the nation's leftist Thought Police? Many sports prefer to 'sit on the fence' with this issue. (Jgonzz isn't a sportswriter. He is a Zamboni mechanic by profession and an asshole by reputation) If a group told me that my team's name was offensive to their senses, I would calmly listen to their gripes and then I would tell them to go fuck themselves, like a cheap squaw. And if they needed it, I would put it in writing, on letterhead. If your mascot was a 'hostile' indian, BUT was also a homosexual transexual anti-Bush Naturalist vegetiarian black panther soldier that sang the praises of PETA and the ACLU, it would be untouchable..sacrosanct.
Are we to turn the Kansas City Chiefs into the Kansas City Reds? Browns? Greens? Trees? Woodchucks? Cornhusks? Sunflowers? Flaming beehives? Fuck that! If you think that the name 'Chief' is offensive, then too bad.

When I was a kid, I vaguely remember the Frito Bandito. It was a cartoon character that was a mexican bandit, a bit like Speedy Gonzales, drawn by Tex Avery and voiced by Mel Blanc. The Bandito didn't steal money. He stole Frito corn chips. It was killed in the early 1970's after getting pressue from the "National Mexican-American Anti-Defamation Committee" (who ever the fuck these guys are..) I'm Mexican, at least that's what my dad tells me. And I know he's at least 100% Mexican, (he's been in the US since the 1950's and still eats tortillas with his breakfast, for fucking sakes!) so I'm a least 50%, right? And I wan't the Bandito to come back. There ain't nothing wrong with him. Anyone that 'feels' violated by a mascot needs to watch more Jerry Springer. Or maybe get a job. Or maybe get a life.

When you concentrate on the stupid little irrelevant stuff in life, the really important things slip on by.

When Harry...

2005-08-22T23:09:00.000-04:00

Central Park,NY--While walking through Central Park yesterday we caught a glimse of some of that Hollywood movie magic. They were filming When Harry met Sally II, staring Ashton Kutcher and Michael Moore. The plotline is something like this, 'Harry wants to go to Iraq and fight, but Sally want's him to stay and will convince her battle hungry man to remain state side through the power of love'. They are to be very demanding roles for both actors. Mr.Kutcher's character has dialog that include words that have in excess of three syllables. And Mr. Moore doesn't like being seen in one of his signature muumuus.

In theatres for Christmas...

Codename...Dragonfly

2005-08-22T21:20:00.000-04:00

Washington, DC-- In response to the news that terrorists may attempt surveillance disguised as the homeless, shoeshiners, street vendors or street sweepers, the FBI has sprung to action. An elite core of FBI recruits has been cherry picked for this latest and most important of assignments. "We'll beat them at their own game." said an anonymous agent. "The terrorists are acting like homeless people. The FBI went the extra mile and actually hired these new agents off the street. And I do mean off the street."

We at the WSPO were confused (more than usual) about the FBI's latest hiring drive. Living in NYC, one quickly learns that many of the homeless are drug addicts and severe paranoid schizophrenics. The recipe for a useless, worthless and dangerous agent. "Useless? We don't think so. And they work really cheap too." said Anonymous. "One of our new guys, his name is Oat Willie, everybody around the neighborhood knows him. So, they would never suspect him. He slogs around, draging bags of trash and stinks of severe diarrhea. And he works for doughnuts, coffee and bags of circus peanuts, really cheap."

After a few more questions, our anonymous source said that the only data collected from agents such as Mr. Willie, so far, has consisted of pidgeons, dog poop, smelly dog butts and other assorted pidgeon facts and figures.

Mr. T is here too..

2005-08-22T20:35:00.000-04:00

Glenndale,CA-- Father Peter O' Connor has complained about his 'haunted' graveyard for years and only recently has taken action . The graveyard isn't haunted by the dead burried there, but by many of Hollywood's famous stars, who's careers have died. "Woopi Goldberg, MC Hammer, Chevy Chase and of course Andrew McCarthy, they are all here." said Father O' Conner. "I'm not sure why they are here, except that we are only a few miles from many major studios, in the Los Angeles area. Its very odd to say the least." It was about five years ago, when Father O' Conner was walking through part of the graveyard to take a shortcut to the parking lot. It was on this night that he came face to face with the ghost of Anthony Michael Hall's career. "The ghost was confused and sad. It mentioned something about a film..A Gnome Named Gnorm. And then it let out a ghastly moan.It said that it wasted many good years on bullshit roles." But a few years later when Mr. Hall recieved a re-occuring role on a popular TV show, The Dead Zone. (oddly enough) "It disappeared after that" Said, Father O' Conner. "except by then I also had Rob Lowe and Ally Sheedy. We had many of the 'Breakfast Club' kids here."

"We called the stars themselves, to come claim these 'career ghosts'. Many of them didn't bother coming over, maybe because of the travel costs. But if MC Hammer could find the money to come over, (we know he could spare the time), anyone of these ex-stars should be able to as well. It was sad. Hammer's ghost was hiding behind some of the bigger tombstones, refusing to come out and telling Hammer that is was the 'fuckin Taco Bell ads' that did the killing and 'our stupid gay-genie' pants." said Father O' Conner. To move things forward, Father O'Conner has offered airfare to some 'stars' like Andrew McCarthy, to 'come collect' your career's ghost. Mr. McCarthy said that he has started doing the stage version of "North Dallas Forty" at the "Mr. Bojangle's Dinner Theatre" in Pocatello, ID. And he expressed optimism that such an event would 'kick start' his career.

We at the WSPO would advise Mr. McCarthy to take the airfare and come get your career, because you haven't used it for years.

How not to run a 'strike'...

2005-08-21T23:23:00.000-04:00

Minneapolis,MN-- Northwest Airlines Corp., the world's fourth largest airline, got off to a smooth start by keeping its planes flying when mechanics decided to strike. About 4,400 Northwest unionized mechanics, cleaners and custodians walked off the job Saturday morning after refusing to take pay cuts and layoffs that would have reduced their ranks almost by half. The Aircraft Mechanics Fraternal Association(AMFA) mechanics averaged about $70,000 a year and cleaners and custodians can make around $40,000. The company wants to cut their wages by about 25 percent. The union negotiator Jim Young said "the mechanics would rather see the airline go into bankruptcy than agree to Northwest's terms". This stance from the AMFA is so fucking stupid. They just alienated all of the other Northwest groups; the pilots union, the ground workers union and the flight attendants union.

The Pilots union has agreed to take a pay cut, generating about $300 million in savings. And Northwest is in negotiations with the ground workers and flight attendants. To this effect, the AMFA may find themselves, the only ones in the Northwest family, without jobs- really soon. If Northwest goes into bankruptcy, all contracts need to be redone and since the mechanics union seems to be the only one wanting to strike, a bankruptcy trustee would 'call them' for it.

In other words, the Startribune would have lots of 'help wanted' revenue from Northwest.

A Soldier of Love

2005-08-21T20:27:00.000-04:00

Kansas City,MO-- A city council referendum to prevent Kevin Eastman from protesting has failed, by a 7-2 vote. Mr. Eastman has been regularly attending protests over the Iraq war, War for oil, blood for oil and other various causes. Many of the other protesters have objected to Mr. Eastman's methods and agendas. In additon to various anti-war and anti-Bush themes, Mr. Eastman offers "free blowjobs". It isn't known if a 'free blowjob' will help bring the troops home or force the Neo-cons to change their mindsabout the world but Mr. Eastman has resisted to answer. "We come out here to protest those idiots in Washington and we have to protest near a local idiot" said Jeff Hale. "By 2pm he has got about ten cumshots drying on his face and chin! I don't understand it! You can't stand anywhere near him because of the sweaty sprog stink he gives off, not to mention all of those fucking flies!" Most of the protestors we spoke to shared Mr. Hale's opinion. "The cars just pull up and that queer fella' does his business with the other queer fellas'. They do it right here on the street! In front of everybody, even the kids!" says Ralph Smith, 77, of Blue Springs. "His picket signs don't make any sense. Nothing about this guy makes any sense, except he likes to be gagged in parked cars."

We made attempts to question Mr. Eastman and since we didn't want his HIV breath getting on us, we didn't press the issue.