WASHINGTON - Rep. Patrick Kennedy had another car crash yesterday, in the long proud Kennedy tradition. The accident however, didn't involve the death of a passenger, so he still has some progress to make "full Kennedy status".
His Physican Dr. Sanjur Rabb said that the amounts of cocaine perscribed to Mr. Kennedy were within the legal limits. After a series of gastro-infections, he was ordered to consume over 5 grams a day. The discomfort of the illness required a slightly higher dosage and the consumption of beer with a small marijuana 'support', to stimulate hunger.
Fort Lee, NJ--Mad Money host and CNBC big shot, James Cramer, is reportably investing some of his valuable time with, Mindy Barnes, one of the "BooYaa" girls.
An anonymous member of the CNBC staff has said that, "yea, he's boning her. We thought it was some fat guy in drag-that's how ugly she was, but nope. She's a she. And Mr. Cramer likes em' that way- big and fruity".
Television analyst Robert Krump said, "the show will survive a scandle like this, as long as the girl is of age and is actually a girl. Mad Money makes mad amounts of money for CNBC. They have made some changes that can already been seen; lavish sets, new hair plugs, lots of new AV and computer equipment, sound effects and higher production values."
David Blaine, master magician and master of 'self promotion' has devised his most challenging trick to date. On July 4 2006, in Staten Island, Mr. Blaine will consume one mile of poop.
Many of the past 'stunts' were those that involved the "lack of something", air, food, water, suspense and etc. This new stunt will require him to actually eat 5280 feet or approxamately 1850 pounds of dog shit in less than one week. Mr. Blaine's manager, Zack Miller, said that " the world will once again be amazed by the concentration and superhuman focus of David's energies". When asked about the English response to Mr. Blain's last stunt, 'Above the Below', where he was suspended about 30 feet in the air, enclosed in a glass case, recieving no food only water, Mr. Miller said, "the English were cruel and dim for not understanding David's genius".
Dr. William Hipple said that " the human consumption of over a thousand pounds of fecal matter would cause the body to enter septic shock and then probably death. The human digestive system wasn't designed to consume poop". (hence the reason TGI Fridays is almost out of business)
Thats what this situation needs-a bunch of irate, armed black militants looking for 'justice'. Its done wonders for the property values of Newark, Detroit and the Upper West Side.
According to the Anti-Defamation League, the New Panthers are a black separatist militia founded in 1990 by Khallid Muhammad, who was removed from a leadership post at the Nation of Islam after Louis Farrakhan reportedly found his statements against Jews, Catholics and homosexuals too radical. The old "Panther Party", founded by Huey Newton ('cokehead brotha number one'), has disavowed any relationship with this "New Panther Party".
Officals at Duke, not wanting any members of their student body shot or stabbed, has decided to provide a permit for the 'peaceful demonstration' through Duke University property and also buckets of chicken and biscuits form "Chicken n' Biscuits". Duke spokesperson Andy Hillers said, "when these northern blacks come down here, they are not prepared for our good ole' southern fried chicken ways. When They bite into our chicken, wooo weee, their eyes will roll back into their little nappy heads and the biscuits- forget about it". Duke officals are hoping that an over feed Panther is a sleepy well behaved panther.
Here is one of our staffers, Janet Lime, in attendence at the NY Kielbasa Tournament 2006 at "Spanky's Squat and Gobble" in SOHO. Although she has never won in any of the five tournaments over the years, she is known around the office as the "human vacuum". Many of our staffers think Ms. Lime would actually win, if only she concentrated on consuming the 12 oz links (regulation size and weight). But at various moments in her 10 minute speed rounds, she has been seen gaging on her link, slapping herself in the face, talking to it and at times even crying.
Ms. Lime's easy going nature and lightning fast 15 WPM make her a very valuable member of the WSPO team.
Naushad Raquib has chosen to live a clean life. No smoking. No sex. No drinking. No rich foods or chocolate. He has been 'clean' for over fifteen months. He's lost about 30 pounds and about two feet of height. Being interviewed by Deutche Weld TV, sporting his lucky blue lungi, he confesses the strain of being clean. "I really miss the chocolate. I mean, what was I thinking? I'd sell one of my wives for a fucking Yorkie Bar!"
After a few moments of just repeating "Yorkie Bar", Mr. Raquib went into some sort of trance.
I hate hippies. They spend all day trying to figure out 'how to make the world perfect'. They smoke a lot of weed too. A lot of weed. And they like to craft law that doesn't make any sense. Enter the 'hybrids'. Cars that promise to help keep the world a better place, a cleaner place and making the Earth Mother happy. The price of gasoline would have to be over $10 a gallon for any real hybrid to make any economic sense. A Toyota Corolla gets about 7 mpg less than a Prius, but costs about $6000 less, than the Prius. As long as gas is $2/$3 a gallon, people are still going to be buying big cars, trucks and SUVs.
To really help keep gasoline consumption down buy a bike or some walking shoes. Don't drive six blocks to your local gym, so you can use the treadmill for an hour.
