Gallo Genius

New York, NY--Multi-talented performer and self proclaimed ubergenius Vincent Gallo, 43, has a new film debueting at the Sun Valley Film Festival next month, "Andy Yank". It promises to be more contriversal and disturbing than Mr. Gallo's last film, "Brown Bunny". Brown Bunny was a five minute blowjob scene with Chloe Sevigny doing the suckling. Even though Roger Ebert said that it was "the worst movie at Cannes", it still did some business. Chloe Sevigny working a knob with her mouth sells tickets!

'Andy Yank' is a film written, directed and staring Mr. Gallo. It's based on the Andy Yankovich story, where in brooklyn 1962, a young and viciously disturbed man had locked and barricaded himself in an apartment, filling his days with drinking vast amounts of booze, chronic masturbation, self fellatio, dreaming of bizarre sexual fantasies and eventually a grizzly murder. "Its a film only a genius would make." says Terry Yolk, Mr. Gallo's agent. "His craft will stun the world. And Vincent really did his own self-fellatio scenes. He didn't use any of that ILM crap. This is real movie making. Sam Peckinpah would be proud!"

When Peckinpah was making "Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia", I don't think its the same 'head' that Mr. Gallo seems preoccupied with.

NASDAQ: SHRP

New York ,NY-- Nothing pisses me off more than a really stupid commericals. For those that do not live in the USA, our television is spiked with commericals, touting the benifits of buying really dumb, useless and overpriced crap. I was watching Spongebob and Patrick get into their usual adventures one afternoon, when Sharper Image Inc. came on the television with a three or four minuite advertisement. It was an ad explaining the advantages of buying the "Ionic Breeze" for my home or auto. This is where they lost me. Jgonzz, our editor, earns enough money from the Zamboni business (also comic book sales on Ebay) to purchase pretty much what he wants, including the new GI Joe with the kung Fu grip. I do not, however, own an Ionic breeze. And I haven't figured out why I would need one. These things cost about $500! Do you know how many Asisn hookers that buys?!

I have never heard of an 'air cleaner' for a car. I would think that opening the window or moonroof would do the trick.

I would never buy an 'ionic breeze'. First of all I know what an Ion is. Its similar to a Neutrino. A million could cruise right through your forehead and you'd never know it. So why is this thing called an 'Ionic Breeze"? Somebody thought the name sounded cool. Other suggestions.."Staten Island Breeze, Sweaty Turkish Armpit Breeze, Uranus Breeze, Iron Pyrate Breeze, garbage disposal goo breeze", you get the idea.

An Ionic Breeze for the car? Is this more efficent than opening a window? I doubt it. It sounds like old fashioned snake oil to me. I think Sharper Image is going to crash, right into the ground. And they wish to sell as many of these 'ionic' things as possible.

A lesson in Ions...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ion

And If you wish to purchase one of these dumb things...

http://www.sharperimage.com/us/en/catalog/productview/sku=SI861SNX/hppos=1

Good Morning Dubai...!!

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates-- There has been alot of talk about Michael jackson moving to Dubai. Our sources tell us that the ' gloved one' wishes to move overseas because American boys have become 'too fat'. "Mr. Jackson prefers boys that have a moderate amount of muscle tone." says an unamed source. " American boys have gotten too fat playing 'x-box' and sitting on the couch all day."
The UAE has a very strict list of studdies and exercises for all students. The boys must undergo a regimen of physical exhaustion, prior to moving to the next grade. It is this physical examination that brings Mr. Jackson to Dubai.
"Dubai forces their young boys to exercise towards the extreme" says Mr. Aonymous. " It is these young tan muscles that bring Mr. Jackson to the table."
Our source expressed interest in finding another job, because he thought it was only a 'matter of time' before Mr.Jackson was caught in the arms of a boy. " He loves the taste of young boys. Period...!" said our source.
He finished by saying, " I hope he knows what he's doing..because if they(Dubai govt) catches him in with a boy, they'll cut his fucking head off..! They don't care how much his gay petter-ass is worth."

Deutschland erwache

What ever happened to Germany? If anyone has a casual interest in history and has read a book or two, it’s hard to find a subject that hasn’t been affected by German hands. WWI yea, they lost. WW II, lost again. It’s befitting because they started the whole fucking war. Losing sucks. But let’s face it. It was for the best. So back to the original question, what happened to Germany?

Well, It still has the third largest economy, only behind the US and Japan. And they are the world largest exporter. But the German economy is keeping warm on the embers of its economic past. The great economy is now called the ‘sick man of Europe.” Jobs are gushing out of the country. The newly formed states in the east are hungry for investment and job creation. The red tape is light, compared to that of Germany or France. And France’s greatest industry is the production of ‘red tape’, 3M’s greatest competitor.

Direct investment from the US was about $3.5 billion, while direct investment to the US from Germany was about $21 Billion. Listen kids, when your homegrown capital markets find greener fields in foreign lands, producing such an odd ratio, it should gain anyone’s attention, like a crying shrieking baby on an overbooked overseas flight. And why are these German fields not worth plowing? Like a field of blade breaking stones, Labor's quest for power is to blame. The Labor movements in Germany have evolved into a quasi-communist, socialist force. This force doesn’t care about the ‘state’ but only of its political power. It's become a heavy stone around the neck of the state. The problem is that the harder labor tightens its grip on the German economy, the more jobs leave to points east. Its becoming less of a grip and more of a grasp. Germans have become fat, lazy and french. Six weeks paid vacations and vast non-cash benefits are driving the Germany’s economic future into the arms of another. The growth rate is already about zero. And the unemployment rate is about 6 million, that about 10%! What qualities did German labor adopt over the last thirty years? Idleness, sluggishness, ambling, slothful, lackadaisical, over priced and a few more to be sure. Are these the qualities that made Bosch? Krupp?

Martin Luther, Goethe, Bach, Beethoven, Durer, Kepler, Planck, Hertz, Leibniz, Bosch, Siemens, Diesel, Daimler and yes, Benz, have been dead for many years. Where are the Germans that are to replace them? Continue their works? Germany has become a population of ‘also-rans’, claiming some sort of victory while clutching a 3rd place ribbon. Gerhard Schroder has done a good job fucking the country up, wasting its talents or selling them for pennies on the dollar. I would have said Deutschmark, but even that’s fucking gone too!

Will Ms. Merkel do what needs to be done? Who knows? But what I do know, is that Schroder and Chirac need to be kicked out of Berlin.

Route for sale

Chicago,IL--Local businessman, Cecil Matthews, 46, is looking forward to retiring in South Carolina and want's the public to know that his profitable 'routes' are available for sale.
Mr. Matthews, a graduate of Chicago's Kellogg School of Management, started his career as a consultant at the CBOE, but found the hours long and the pay low. "I had all these degrees and not enough money to pay off all my college loans. So I figured I had to become an entrepreneur of some kind, but I didn't know what..you know? So after a few weeks of narrowing my fields down, I decided to become a pimp." says Mr. Matthews "It was hard at first. Girls freaking out on drugs, getting cut up by freaked out tricks, pussy infections, police looking for payments, other pimps looking to steal my girls or my clients..shit! I didn't know it was gonna' be this fuckin' hard! know what I mean? Well, after a few years and lots of hard life lessons, I figured it all out. I was making a comfortable six figure income. Well now, I'm looking to retire. I bought a house in South Carolina, so I need to sell my business."

The buyer would get about twenty five high quality girls that 'love fucking' and that range in age from 17 to 38. Of this group, four are Asian girls, all under 20, and under contract for at least another three years. Also included in the sale is a 1976 DeVille, with aftermarket installed ice machine. "When you are pimping in these long hot summer nights, one has got to stay cool..frosty. So, I had this ice machine installed, because I love my gin n' juice, but it gotsta' have ice." said Mr. Matthews. Also included is two pallets of condoms and about 15 cases of penicillin.

All records of payment and employee records available upon request. Any interested persons should request information from Mr. Matthews' solicitor at the following address..

Daley & Assoc.
121 N La Salle Suite 507
Chicago, IL 60602

Say it ain't so Po..!

Washingtion,DC-- In a series of questions from reporters yesterday at the White House, Donald Rumsfeld couldn't explain how the American arsenal of powerful psychics couldn't warn authorities of the destruction of New Orleans, in the wake of hurricane Katrina. "We are reviewing all communications, including emails from all members of the Psychic branch of the military." Said Mr. Rumsfeld. "We weren't surprised about Ms. Cleo. In my opinion she's useless. But even Po (of Telletubby fame) failed to 'see anything'! This was a shock to many of us."

A spokesperson from John Edwards, host of 'Crossing Over' on the Sci-Fi Network, called our office and offered an explaination. "Earlier this year Mr. Edwards proclaimed that there would be a series of strong storms hitting Florida and the surrounding area." said the spokesperson. "Mr. Edwards was on vacation in Bora Bora when hurricane Katrina became an issue. Since he was on the otherside of the world, he couldn't be expected to perceive anything, because all of his psychic powers would have been weakened due to the great distance. And there is alot of negative energy between Florida and Bora Bora. It would have been impossible."

When we heard of Mr. Edward's excuse for failure, we offered another question to his spokesperson. Last December Mr. Edwards claimed to forsee the Tsunami disaster in Indonesia. Wasn't Indonesia on the otherside of the world of Mr. Edwards when he made this claim? Is Mr. Edwards simply loosing his power? The spokesperson offered no explanation but did promise to contact us with an update.

Thousands dead or missing. An entire city in ruins. Billions in property damage. New Orleans wasn't called by one single psychic. How can the Untited States be expected to protect its assets and citizens when our first line of defence is proving to be so powerless?

Third Reich Fashion

New York-- Many of the world's greatest fashion designers have often wondered how the Nazi's lost the war, when, even to the untrained eye, their fashion technologies and designs were far superior. "The allies weren't very fashion conscious" says, Prof. Ira Scott, chief currator of the Fashion Museum of New York. "Many in the fashion community had lobbied congress, prior to the US entering the war, offering ideas of good designs, colors and fabrics. These calls landed on deaf ears, because you can see what we got-olive green. Everything was olive green!" Jean Paul Gaultier has said that "green is good for the frogs, not for dressing a modern man."

Anyone who has purchsed a good trenchcoat($1500+) should know that the 'air flow' design(s) and the drape like features were designed by top secret Fashion Regiments of the Third Reich. Karl Lagerfeld, german born designer and known for being flaky and obnoxiously gay, said "These grand men of the Reich, they had color, form, fine cuts and strong masculine lines. Even today I see these strong young men, draped in black leather, complete with the Iron Cross, It makes me proud to be a German..also it makes me moist".

Isaac Mizrahi, an American designer, has offered the idea, seen as blasphemous in the fashion community, that the way an army looks isn't as important as it fights. "I'm sure they had some beautifully crafted leather coats, but they won't stop a bullet, right? I mean some of these pieces are wonderful, but they were creeps(nazis), well tailored creeps. Fortunately their fashion superiorty couldn't carry the day (save them)."

The debate continues...

Kansan outsources Wife...

Kansas City, KS-- Brilliant tax accountant and Washburn University graduate (95'), Warren Smyth, 34, found and exploited a valuable Federal Tax loophole. "I was working late one night, a few years ago and after a series of footnotes and boring essays, I realized something odd in my tax journals. If I outsourced my wife, to three, maybe four women or more over a 360 day period, I could claim all of them as dependants, lowering my taxable income." recalls Mr. Smyth. "I would need a maid, gardener, sexual surrogate, asian schoolgirl (bukkake ninja), emotional confidant, slave, cheerleader, neighborhood slamhound and various other helpers."

"We weren't so sure if this whole thing that Mr. Smyth was advocating was legal." says, Amy Grome, case officer for the IRS. "There is a set of rules that do exist under section 3504. (Pub. L. 94-455, title XIX, Sec. 1906(b)(13)(A), 90 Stat 1868) The idea behind the rule, was that women were needed to work after the Civil War to not only help rebuild the infrastructure but basic industries as well. Tax reciepts for the nation were critically low. So, if a man could utilize a surrogate or maybe ten, it would be good for the economy, and thus an increase in the tax reciepts generated by our department. Its obviously outdated (the rule), but its still on the books. The only question our department had concerning Mr. Smyth method's was his use of a 'bukkake ninja'. We can't find this occupation in any of our databases."

Mr. Smyth isn't offering any advice concerning his new method(s) of tax avoidance. He plans to have a book available this fall, published by Harvard Press.

Mr. Smyth's new book, Hallelujah!, to be availabe here...

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0131859236/qid=1125705880/br=1-5/ref=br_lf_b_5//103-2853572-9094219?v=glance&s=books&n=2537

Chicken Exit

Farmingdale,NY--For the second time in one week, a person has died from injuries suffered at the Adventureland amusement park. This latest accident involved a 45-year-old woman that was thrown from a ride into a nearby parking lot! "Of course she had the asphalt to soften her landing" said Alex Anders, Adventureland General Mgr. "We in the Adventureland Family wish to offer our heartfelt condolences. We will provide the deceased's family a full refund of the parking fee and also a '90 day funpass' that can be used at any Adventureland Fun Parks across the USA."

This accident follows a death of a park employee, Stephen Gary, an 18-year-old from North Babylon, two days ago. He suffered massive internal injuries after being struck by the Lady Bug Roller Coaster, a ride designed for children. New Yorker's may remember that Mr. Anders offered 'heartfelt condolences' and an explaination that it was an instance of 'natural selection'. Adventureland officals argued that Mr. Gary was an 'D-' student, not bound for any accredited four year university and was perhaps still a virgin. "Thining the herd is an act of god." said Mr. Anders. "Adventureland, Adventureland Properties, Adventureland Industries and its parent company Gulf + Western Oil, inc, have no responsibility for the action, actions or inaction of god or any of his assigned agents."

When confronted with the facts that Adventureland's latest victim was a mother and a university graduate, hence a valuable member of society, Mr. Anders offered no response. But offered that lawyers for Adventureland would craft a document to respond to its latest death.

So, next time you are in the NYC area, you might wan't to stay the fuk away from...
http://www.adventureland.us/