yea..

I knew someone out there would come around.

A Shmoo

A shmoo (noun:SH- MOO) is a fictional cartoon creature that is shaped like a plump bowling pin with legs, but no arms. They reproduce asexually, and are very prolific. They like to be eaten.
Shmoos are tasty, and are so eager to be eaten that if they are looked at by someone who is hungry they will gladly jump into a frying pan. Naturally gentle and docile, they require minimal care, and are ideal playmates for young children and retarded people.

$100 Oil?... Who cares?

Midland, Texas--At the American Petrolieum Institute, a off campus petro-chemistry department of the University of Texas, is preparing a symposium on using america's waste as a source of energy. Animal waste and household waste isn't being discussed but instead the waste of the American social landscape-Hipsters, Hippies, Emos and other social blights.

Professor Jerry Nutt from the API said, "The use of these freaks won't solve our oil dependency problems, but may serve as a stopgap or pressure valve to let some some air out of these high oil prices". To further explain the program, Dr. Nutt said, "The target person(s) would be teased with free black lipsticks, black fingernail polish and eyeliner, Von Dutch caps, Louis Vuitton bags (fake-of course), free Grateful Dead t-shirts, gourmet bong water and etc., knocked on the head and tossed into the 'rendering vats', where under extreme heat and pressure are 'cracked' into various oils and light fuels.

The 'emos' seem to release the most SOEU, Social Outcast Energy Units, and hence more valuable. Nobody know why, but it may have something to do with their Shmoo-like nature. Since all future rendering facilities will be paying a premium for all 'emo deliveries' their apprehension would become a top priorty. The emo kid now has reason to cry.

CNBC drama..

Fort Lee, NJ--Mad Money host and CNBC big shot, James Cramer, is reportably investing some of his valuable time with, Mindy Barnes, one of the "BooYaa" girls.

An anonymous member of the CNBC staff has said that, "yea, he's boning her. We thought it was some fat guy in drag-that's how ugly she was, but nope. She's a she. And Mr. Cramer likes em' that way- big and fruity".

Television analyst Robert Krump said, "the show will survive a scandle like this, as long as the girl is of age and is actually a girl. Mad Money makes mad amounts of money for CNBC. They have made some changes that can already been seen; lavish sets, new hair plugs, lots of new AV and computer equipment, sound effects and higher production values."

I'd eat a mile of...

David Blaine, master magician and master of 'self promotion' has devised his most challenging trick to date. On July 4 2006, in Staten Island, Mr. Blaine will consume one mile of poop.

Many of the past 'stunts' were those that involved the "lack of something", air, food, water, suspense and etc. This new stunt will require him to actually eat 5280 feet or approxamately 1850 pounds of dog shit in less than one week. Mr. Blaine's manager, Zack Miller, said that " the world will once again be amazed by the concentration and superhuman focus of David's energies". When asked about the English response to Mr. Blain's last stunt, 'Above the Below', where he was suspended about 30 feet in the air, enclosed in a glass case, recieving no food only water, Mr. Miller said, "the English were cruel and dim for not understanding David's genius".

Dr. William Hipple said that " the human consumption of over a thousand pounds of fecal matter would cause the body to enter septic shock and then probably death. The human digestive system wasn't designed to consume poop". (hence the reason TGI Fridays is almost out of business)

Panthers at Duke

The national chairman of the "New Black Panther Party for Self-Defense", Malik Zulu Shabazz, says his group intends to march at Duke University on Monday to "deal directly" with lacrosse players about charges of rape of an escort service dancer at a team party.

Thats what this situation needs-a bunch of irate, armed black militants looking for 'justice'. Its done wonders for the property values of Newark, Detroit and the Upper West Side.

According to the Anti-Defamation League, the New Panthers are a black separatist militia founded in 1990 by Khallid Muhammad, who was removed from a leadership post at the Nation of Islam after Louis Farrakhan reportedly found his statements against Jews, Catholics and homosexuals too radical. The old "Panther Party", founded by Huey Newton ('cokehead brotha number one'), has disavowed any relationship with this "New Panther Party".

Officals at Duke, not wanting any members of their student body shot or stabbed, has decided to provide a permit for the 'peaceful demonstration' through Duke University property and also buckets of chicken and biscuits form "Chicken n' Biscuits". Duke spokesperson Andy Hillers said, "when these northern blacks come down here, they are not prepared for our good ole' southern fried chicken ways. When They bite into our chicken, wooo weee, their eyes will roll back into their little nappy heads and the biscuits- forget about it". Duke officals are hoping that an over feed Panther is a sleepy well behaved panther.

Gettin' to know us...

Here is one of our staffers, Janet Lime, in attendence at the NY Kielbasa Tournament 2006 at "Spanky's Squat and Gobble" in SOHO. Although she has never won in any of the five tournaments over the years, she is known around the office as the "human vacuum". Many of our staffers think Ms. Lime would actually win, if only she concentrated on consuming the 12 oz links (regulation size and weight). But at various moments in her 10 minute speed rounds, she has been seen gaging on her link, slapping herself in the face, talking to it and at times even crying.

Ms. Lime's easy going nature and lightning fast 15 WPM make her a very valuable member of the WSPO team.

Eva & Ratfink

They solve crime by day and um...Eva's character has a medical condition that requires her to wear a Bikini at all times. Ratfink smokes big joints, has a nose for mischief and makes off color jokes concerning Ms. Longora's body.

I need to shop this thing around. I'm sure the WB would take it.

A New Leaf

Naushad Raquib has chosen to live a clean life. No smoking. No sex. No drinking. No rich foods or chocolate. He has been 'clean' for over fifteen months. He's lost about 30 pounds and about two feet of height. Being interviewed by Deutche Weld TV, sporting his lucky blue lungi, he confesses the strain of being clean. "I really miss the chocolate. I mean, what was I thinking? I'd sell one of my wives for a fucking Yorkie Bar!"

After a few moments of just repeating "Yorkie Bar", Mr. Raquib went into some sort of trance.

WSPO needs $$

So we are parting with some of our most prized possessions. This stuff is hot. Like a hot fukin' Fajita sizzling in your eye!

Make an offer. They are in 'good' shape, complete with jacketcovers. The great memories I have with them are mine to keep. Make your own.

Happy bidding..
Payable via cheque, MO or wire.

FREE SEX...!!

New York, NY--A Manhattan callgirl has decided to offer all area men free sex. Babydoll, 29, has decided that it would be her effort to 'help the world'. She said, " there is so much bad stuff going on in the world, ugliness, hate, war. I don't want any part of it. So i'm going to spread love, happiness..and my legs!"

There is no law being violated by having 'free sex' with anybody, but this hasn't been supported by SDACGA, Strippers Dancers and Call Girls Alliance, generally identified as the 'strippers union'.

Wendy Curtis, SDACGA president, has said that Ms. Babydoll's offer of free sex is a clear violation of the bylaws of the SDACGA, anti-dumping provision. "How can a woman put food on her table?! Clothes on her children's backs?! If she can't make a living wage?! Flooding the marketplace with free pussy?! We at the SDACGA condem this offer! These are Wallmart tactics!"

Almost the entire month of May has already been booked. She only provides incall and offers BBBJTC, GFE, ATM, greek and dwarf massage.


http://www.hot-local-escorts.com/usa/ny/babydoll.htm

I gotta' find a new bar..

My usual hang out, Shenanigans (82nd &2nd, upper east side), has gotten too weird. Hey, I like to have a good time like everybody else, but when you peer through the alcoholic haze and witness a vision of Pennywise riding Santa on a bug infested mattress, sitting on a dirt floor, its time to start hanging out at Applebees.

And I gotta' pay for the room too?

This is the last time I use this escort service.

Hippie Hybrid

I hate hippies. They spend all day trying to figure out 'how to make the world perfect'. They smoke a lot of weed too. A lot of weed. And they like to craft law that doesn't make any sense. Enter the 'hybrids'. Cars that promise to help keep the world a better place, a cleaner place and making the Earth Mother happy. The price of gasoline would have to be over $10 a gallon for any real hybrid to make any economic sense. A Toyota Corolla gets about 7 mpg less than a Prius, but costs about $6000 less, than the Prius. As long as gas is $2/$3 a gallon, people are still going to be buying big cars, trucks and SUVs.

To really help keep gasoline consumption down buy a bike or some walking shoes. Don't drive six blocks to your local gym, so you can use the treadmill for an hour.

Longoria Paradox

Ok, so the jury is back and its been decided that Eva Longoria is just too fukin' hot. How hot? Her used panties were for sale on Ebay. They were obviously fake and Ebay pulled the plug, but not before they were priced over $150,000 USD.

French Mathamatician Daniel Moire PHD, of Le Paris Institute de Mathamatica', is developing a formula, to help explain, quantatively, how Ms. Longoria became so "delisiously yummy". He stated that "her pussy would melt under my tounge, like a freshly scubed schoolgirl, her sweet juice spills out of my mouth, down my chin and fills my parched soul". His requests for articles of Ms. Longoria's clothing have gone unanswered. Dr. Moire said that "her clothing, imbibed with her scent, would help with our work"!

Ebay auction..

http://cgi.ebay.com/Used-Panties_W5QQitemZ9510544959QQcategoryZ1467QQssEvaLongoriaZWDVWrdZ1QcmdZViewItem

Death to Israel Bake Sale !!

Ok, so the Palestinian government needs a few bucks to meet payroll, about 140,000 people, what to do? The US and Europe have said "no" and payroll was supposed to have been done two weeks ago. The European Union suspended its $600 million direct aid package to the Palestinian government, and the United States suspended a $400 million donation after Hamas's unexpected electoral victory in January. These measures were aimed at increasing pressure on the group to renounce violence and to recognize Israel. Iran and Qatar have pledged $100 million to help the new government out. Thats a great start but the Palestinian government needs about $170 million a month! Oh, and the only thing they have on the books is $1.7 billion in debts.

A busted state, an empty treasury, rampant corruption and accusations are the finest ingredients for civil war.

Wanted: robot patch kit...

Long Island, NY--Hofstra University, Senior, Brad Zuppin was arrested off campus for having sexual relations with an underaged robot. Hofstra Spokesperson Amy Barnes said that, "Mr. Zuppin was a star student, spending long hours in the robotics lab, located in the basement of Weller Hall, often with his assistant, a Bot named Gonk. It was on one of these nights that The Hofstra Campus Police have reported that something 'happened'."

Fellow student Mitch Adams said, "they were always together. In the lunch room. In the library. On the bus. We can't believe something like this could happen. Gonk never said anything, but did seem unusually sad the last few weeks.."

Mr. Zuppin's studies have been suspended and he has been placed into the Blair House Psychiatric Center for Perverts, located in Long Island.

Lucky Rabbi Co.

Las Vegas-- At this years "Pornathon 2006" convention in Las Vegas, one of the hottest new products is Lucky Rabbi Payas Wax. The girls knead it through their 'fur' to maintain a silky smooth feel, also preventing chaping and drying. "Its the best damn stuff out there!" says, Jules Diamond, star of such films as Cream filled Ass Pies, Goop Gulpers, Panty Stain Mystery and many others. "You spend twelve hours under these hot fucking lights, a girl drys out. You know what I mean?"

Lucky Rabbi's Payas Wax was developed over fifty years ago, incorporating a combination of emulsifiers, including Shey Butter. The Company doesn't know how their product ended up on the film sets of the porno industry, but they are happy with the receptive market. The Lucky Rabbi, Co. of Brooklyn, NY has developed other products for their porn star customers, soon available are Beaver Scrub, Taint Rejouvinatior, Lip Relaxation Spa Kit and others.

Mexican Americans...

Oh, boy. The streets have been filled with those who feel disfranchised. Of course, Illegal Aliens can't vote, so what's the big deal??
There are a whole lot of people that arent 'citizens' who do some of the "heavy lifting". The demonstrations have been spurred by a House bill that would criminalize illegal immigrants and calls for building a border along the southwestern United States. The US is a country that is ruled by law. Not a king. Not a priest. Not a cleric. The very law(s) that protect the citizens and the businesses that these 'illegals' arrive to work for, are being violated just "for being here". A country can't expect to have about 8% of its population undocumented and illegal. The system won't allow it.

The solution to this problem? How the hell should I know!
Without these workers, a large part of the American economy would grind to a halt. But at the same time, the US can't have almost 10% of its population not documented..It would be madness. It would be worse than France.

The 2006' Pussy award again goes to....

President Jaques Chirac!! He crumbled under pressure from students, unions, business executives and even some members of his own party on Monday, announcing that he would rescind a disputed youth labor law intended to make hiring more flexible.
Let the record show, this is the beginning of the end.