A Super Giant

Upon reflection, we at the WSPO began to think,"just how big is Star Jones' um..star?" She is on a 'hit' TV show that none of our friends watch, but we hear it's a 'big deal'. Ms. Jones' has developed a 'signature collection' of wigs that are very popular with prostitutes and homosexual transvestites. The "You Go Girl!" collection is a strong seller.

Ms. Jones may have made a few bucks selling ad space and access to her wedding. For some reason advertisers thought it would be a good idea (and in good taste) to advertise at someone's wedding. We gather here so that these two may join in marrige, but first a few words from Pepsi...In the future, family members that suffer the loss of a loved one, could recoup some of the funeral costs, if they sold some advertising space on the casket, like NASCAR.

If you were so lucky to attend the wedding, you no doubt were amazed by the bountiful "goody bag". It contained such traditional items as; a Bally's one year membership, a pair of Payless shoes, a can of taint freshener from Johnson Wax, Lancome Resurface Peel Treatment, Takeouts! (silicone bra inserts), a Mario Pinball Land game and a Game Boy handheld.

So, how big is this Star? From the looks of it she's big. And only gettin' bigger.

Wigsite..http://www.especiallyyours.com/dept.asp?dept_id=113&mscssid=&adsrc=

Wedding-goodybag site..http://www.starandal.com

Ode to a Tart

New York,NY-- As hurricane Katrina was over New Orleans, tragedy struck the upper east side today, as hurricane Spalding formed and proceeded to destroy property and injure no less than 300 people. It began when Star Jones and Rosie O' Donnell both demanded the last remaining Strawberry Tart, from world famous restaurant and purveyor of desserts-Payard.

Payard Patisserie, located at 74th and Lexington Ave., has a wide variaty of assorted cakes, tarts and desserts.(Many of the WSPO staff have been banned from Payard, since the 'June 17th incident'. This concerned a seires of misunderstandings and bizarre events involving chocolate, carrot cakes and a sugar induced rage, followed by brief periods of 'after meal napping'.) Their Strawberry Tart is a signature item, and often sold out. "It was crazy, loco" says Louis, an employee at Payard. "They were yelling and knocking things over, I had to cover my ears. We were all scared. After a few moments of pushing, shoving and pulling of hair, Mrs. Jones exhaled a massive belch of hot air or gas, throwing Ms. O'Donnell out the door and across the street, busting out all of our windows, flipping over a few parked cars and damaging three taxis. I thought 'oh, that killed that irish lady', but she came right back! It was like lightning and thunder in here, so I ran a jumped behind the Hobart!"

Lexington Ave. was littered with debris, broken glass, damaged cars, even a few missing or bent manhole covers and the injured. "It was like a freakin' bomb went off!" says Scott Bishop, of the NYPD. "We had alot of injuries. We had injuries all the way near First Ave! All because these two bitches couldn't work out an agreement over a cupcake!?"

Well, actually it was a tart. And obviously they couldn't work things out. So, some innocents got injured. These are two big Hollywood stars. They can't be bothered to care, they have staffers or interns to do that sort of thing.

The Red Cross and various state emergency agencies were on the scene within a few hours to help with the injured, dazed and newly homeless. Mayor Bloomberg says it may take the city at least two years to rebuild.

Represenatives for Mrs. Jones and Ms. O'Donnell didn't return our calls for this story.

If you are in the NY area sometime next year, they should be reopened...

http://www.payard.com/manhattan/

Chinese stealing things..again

Lance Armstrong, seven time Tour de France winner(some writers have begun calling it the Tour de Lance), cancer surviver (he had his right testicle removed and two brain lesions.) and a world famous Texan, has had a small problem with his foundation, the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Its agenda is to raise money to fund the research necessary to fight and one day defeat cancer, to support cancer victims and survivors and to raise awareness . One of its most successful fund raising initaives was the marketing of the "Live Strong" wristband at a price of $1. As of May 2005, over 50 million Livestrong wristbands have been sold, raising tens of millions for Mr. Armstrong's foundation. So..what's the problem?

Six people have pleaded guilty to charges connected to the sale of thousands of phony LiveStrong wristbands and have turned over $100,000 to the Lance Armstrong Foundation, Attorney General Eliot Spitzer's office said Monday. In March, undercover investigators bought 1,000 of the counterfeit wristbands from a Manhattan storefront (for those that don't know New York, this means "Chinatown", Canal street). Investigators said they found 81,000 more in storage and at a home in Queens. Authorities said importer Eastlink International Inc. distributed the wristbands to retailers around New York City. They are; Li Ping Liang Chen, Su Qin Weng, Wei Hua Chen, Su Ping Qu and Xi Chen. (Phew..!) We got enough here to add a few miles of track to the Union Pacific! Somebody call Tommy Durant!*

Can't a guy raise a few bucks to help save some lives without someone trying to generate or steal a 'break off'? Have you ever seen a little kid fighting for his life, against cancer? If you have, then you'd want to drop these scumbags in a giant "in-sink-erator". All we gotta' do is build it..

(*) For those who aren't familiar with T. Durant (the original scamartist)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/historic_figures/durant_thomas_clark.shtml

I always miss the good deals..

In the folder lebeled...

"I'm so desperate for media attention that I'm willing to meet this asshole" added another entry when Jesse Jackson met with Hugo Chavez in Venezuela. The U.S. civil rights leader condemned last week's suggestion by Pat Robertson, an old religious cracker, that American agents should kill the leftist Venezuelan leader, calling the conservative commentator's statements "immoral" and "illegal." Pat Robertson has about as much political power as Jesse Jackson, not enough to run a 5000BTU air conditioner. The last time Jesse ran for the US presidency he generated 0.00 electorial votes, which was the same as me..and I didn't even fucking run.

This Chavez guy is a "Castro-want-a-be". He doesn't have Castro's political mind or charisma, but Venezuela has oil. That means money. Dollars. Real ones, not those stupid worthless "Cuban Peso's" that even cab drivers in Havana don't accept.

So, why is Jesse meeting this guy? We're sure money is involved, Rainbow PUSH coalition could use a few dollars. And the event is recorded by the international media, a plus. Even though Jesse is getting money from his savy theft of the "River North distributorship", a Anheuser-Busch beer distributor, his political causes must eat up alot of cash.
So, how does Jesse's visit to Venezuela help exploited poverty stricken black Americans?

That New York Magic

New York--A New York woman told NYPD that while she was riding the R Train, about 3pm, a man was 'touching' himself. As the woman's photograph shows, he isn't actually touching himself, but in fact pumping his 'unit', utilizing an unusual grip, identifed by one of the WSPO staff as variation of the "Capablanca-Morphy" reversed.

This idiot-pervert has about a 0.0000013% chance of NOT being recognized and arrested. He looks like someone that works in sales or probably a lawyer.

The WSPO added the 'smiley' to the woman's picture, because we don't want any nudity on our site. And If we did approve nudity, it wouldn't be of some guy's junk.

The woman's account and pictures...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/94886948@N00/35501732/in/photostream/

Norwood Type VI

Hollywood--Jeremy Piven, performer in such films as PCU, Grosse Point Blank, Black Hawk Down, Old School and the HBO series The Entourage, has taken a long and rough road to achieve his current star status. This road has gone through numerous offices of plastic and reconstructive surgeons. "Jeremy doesn't make any bones about it. He is very happy with the results that he has seen over the last three years, concerning his hair." said Carl Breese, a longtime friend of Mr. Piven. "He's had about six operations, in an effort to rebuild his thinning hairline. The first few times were disastrous. Jeremy wouldn't leave his house without a cap or a paper bag. He spent over $15,000 to get the "Steven Wright" look. And Mr. Wright's hair makes him look like a fucking clown. Because they used most of Jeremy's available 'donor hair' for the first two procedures, they needed to find another source. So, somebody contacted 'George' to provide some of his back hair, to affix to Jeremy's scalp".

George 'The Animal' Steele was a well known professional wrestler in the early to late 80's, even appearing in the Johnny Depp film, Ed Wood, in 1994. Mr. Steel was contracted to provide at least 15 cm/2 of hair for Mr. Piven, for an undisclosed amount of cash. It took four procedures and alot of George's hair to get Mr. Piven's head straight. "This last procedure will be Jeremy's last, I think." says, Mr. Breese "If Jeremy needs to have yet more procedures in the future, he can't use George anymore. He's all tapped out. Jeremy will have to contact one of the Muppets or something." We'll keep our fingers crossed, at least for Animal's sake.

Ándale! Ándale!...Arriba! Arriba!

Tallahassee, FL-- The NCAA will allow Florida State to use its "Seminoles" nickname in postseason play, removing the school from a list of colleges with Native American nicknames that were restricted by an NCAA decision earlier this month. The NCAA recently said it would prohibit teams from using mascots the NCAA has deemed "hostile and abusive" in its postseason tournaments. Who determines what is 'hostile and abusive', society at large or the self appointed officers of the nation's leftist Thought Police? Many sports prefer to 'sit on the fence' with this issue. (Jgonzz isn't a sportswriter. He is a Zamboni mechanic by profession and an asshole by reputation) If a group told me that my team's name was offensive to their senses, I would calmly listen to their gripes and then I would tell them to go fuck themselves, like a cheap squaw. And if they needed it, I would put it in writing, on letterhead. If your mascot was a 'hostile' indian, BUT was also a homosexual transexual anti-Bush Naturalist vegetiarian black panther soldier that sang the praises of PETA and the ACLU, it would be untouchable..sacrosanct.
Are we to turn the Kansas City Chiefs into the Kansas City Reds? Browns? Greens? Trees? Woodchucks? Cornhusks? Sunflowers? Flaming beehives? Fuck that! If you think that the name 'Chief' is offensive, then too bad.

When I was a kid, I vaguely remember the Frito Bandito. It was a cartoon character that was a mexican bandit, a bit like Speedy Gonzales, drawn by Tex Avery and voiced by Mel Blanc. The Bandito didn't steal money. He stole Frito corn chips. It was killed in the early 1970's after getting pressue from the "National Mexican-American Anti-Defamation Committee" (who ever the fuck these guys are..) I'm Mexican, at least that's what my dad tells me. And I know he's at least 100% Mexican, (he's been in the US since the 1950's and still eats tortillas with his breakfast, for fucking sakes!) so I'm a least 50%, right? And I wan't the Bandito to come back. There ain't nothing wrong with him. Anyone that 'feels' violated by a mascot needs to watch more Jerry Springer. Or maybe get a job. Or maybe get a life.

When you concentrate on the stupid little irrelevant stuff in life, the really important things slip on by.

When Harry...

Central Park,NY--While walking through Central Park yesterday we caught a glimse of some of that Hollywood movie magic. They were filming When Harry met Sally II, staring Ashton Kutcher and Michael Moore. The plotline is something like this, 'Harry wants to go to Iraq and fight, but Sally want's him to stay and will convince her battle hungry man to remain state side through the power of love'. They are to be very demanding roles for both actors. Mr.Kutcher's character has dialog that include words that have in excess of three syllables. And Mr. Moore doesn't like being seen in one of his signature muumuus.

In theatres for Christmas...

Codename...Dragonfly

Washington, DC-- In response to the news that terrorists may attempt surveillance disguised as the homeless, shoeshiners, street vendors or street sweepers, the FBI has sprung to action. An elite core of FBI recruits has been cherry picked for this latest and most important of assignments. "We'll beat them at their own game." said an anonymous agent. "The terrorists are acting like homeless people. The FBI went the extra mile and actually hired these new agents off the street. And I do mean off the street."

We at the WSPO were confused (more than usual) about the FBI's latest hiring drive. Living in NYC, one quickly learns that many of the homeless are drug addicts and severe paranoid schizophrenics. The recipe for a useless, worthless and dangerous agent. "Useless? We don't think so. And they work really cheap too." said Anonymous. "One of our new guys, his name is Oat Willie, everybody around the neighborhood knows him. So, they would never suspect him. He slogs around, draging bags of trash and stinks of severe diarrhea. And he works for doughnuts, coffee and bags of circus peanuts, really cheap."

After a few more questions, our anonymous source said that the only data collected from agents such as Mr. Willie, so far, has consisted of pidgeons, dog poop, smelly dog butts and other assorted pidgeon facts and figures.

Mr. T is here too..

Glenndale,CA-- Father Peter O' Connor has complained about his 'haunted' graveyard for years and only recently has taken action . The graveyard isn't haunted by the dead burried there, but by many of Hollywood's famous stars, who's careers have died. "Woopi Goldberg, MC Hammer, Chevy Chase and of course Andrew McCarthy, they are all here." said Father O' Conner. "I'm not sure why they are here, except that we are only a few miles from many major studios, in the Los Angeles area. Its very odd to say the least." It was about five years ago, when Father O' Conner was walking through part of the graveyard to take a shortcut to the parking lot. It was on this night that he came face to face with the ghost of Anthony Michael Hall's career. "The ghost was confused and sad. It mentioned something about a film..A Gnome Named Gnorm. And then it let out a ghastly moan.It said that it wasted many good years on bullshit roles." But a few years later when Mr. Hall recieved a re-occuring role on a popular TV show, The Dead Zone. (oddly enough) "It disappeared after that" Said, Father O' Conner. "except by then I also had Rob Lowe and Ally Sheedy. We had many of the 'Breakfast Club' kids here."

"We called the stars themselves, to come claim these 'career ghosts'. Many of them didn't bother coming over, maybe because of the travel costs. But if MC Hammer could find the money to come over, (we know he could spare the time), anyone of these ex-stars should be able to as well. It was sad. Hammer's ghost was hiding behind some of the bigger tombstones, refusing to come out and telling Hammer that is was the 'fuckin Taco Bell ads' that did the killing and 'our stupid gay-genie' pants." said Father O' Conner. To move things forward, Father O'Conner has offered airfare to some 'stars' like Andrew McCarthy, to 'come collect' your career's ghost. Mr. McCarthy said that he has started doing the stage version of "North Dallas Forty" at the "Mr. Bojangle's Dinner Theatre" in Pocatello, ID. And he expressed optimism that such an event would 'kick start' his career.

We at the WSPO would advise Mr. McCarthy to take the airfare and come get your career, because you haven't used it for years.

How not to run a 'strike'...

Minneapolis,MN-- Northwest Airlines Corp., the world's fourth largest airline, got off to a smooth start by keeping its planes flying when mechanics decided to strike. About 4,400 Northwest unionized mechanics, cleaners and custodians walked off the job Saturday morning after refusing to take pay cuts and layoffs that would have reduced their ranks almost by half. The Aircraft Mechanics Fraternal Association(AMFA) mechanics averaged about $70,000 a year and cleaners and custodians can make around $40,000. The company wants to cut their wages by about 25 percent. The union negotiator Jim Young said "the mechanics would rather see the airline go into bankruptcy than agree to Northwest's terms". This stance from the AMFA is so fucking stupid. They just alienated all of the other Northwest groups; the pilots union, the ground workers union and the flight attendants union.

The Pilots union has agreed to take a pay cut, generating about $300 million in savings. And Northwest is in negotiations with the ground workers and flight attendants. To this effect, the AMFA may find themselves, the only ones in the Northwest family, without jobs- really soon. If Northwest goes into bankruptcy, all contracts need to be redone and since the mechanics union seems to be the only one wanting to strike, a bankruptcy trustee would 'call them' for it.

In other words, the Startribune would have lots of 'help wanted' revenue from Northwest.

A Soldier of Love

Kansas City,MO-- A city council referendum to prevent Kevin Eastman from protesting has failed, by a 7-2 vote. Mr. Eastman has been regularly attending protests over the Iraq war, War for oil, blood for oil and other various causes. Many of the other protesters have objected to Mr. Eastman's methods and agendas. In additon to various anti-war and anti-Bush themes, Mr. Eastman offers "free blowjobs". It isn't known if a 'free blowjob' will help bring the troops home or force the Neo-cons to change their mindsabout the world but Mr. Eastman has resisted to answer. "We come out here to protest those idiots in Washington and we have to protest near a local idiot" said Jeff Hale. "By 2pm he has got about ten cumshots drying on his face and chin! I don't understand it! You can't stand anywhere near him because of the sweaty sprog stink he gives off, not to mention all of those fucking flies!" Most of the protestors we spoke to shared Mr. Hale's opinion. "The cars just pull up and that queer fella' does his business with the other queer fellas'. They do it right here on the street! In front of everybody, even the kids!" says Ralph Smith, 77, of Blue Springs. "His picket signs don't make any sense. Nothing about this guy makes any sense, except he likes to be gagged in parked cars."

We made attempts to question Mr. Eastman and since we didn't want his HIV breath getting on us, we didn't press the issue.

Death of a Salesman

A global coalition of unions is launching an unprecedented campaign to organize workers around the world at US retail giant Wal-Mart, seeking to bring a new level of globalization to the labor movement. This global effort on Wal-Mart escalates a longstanding feud with the retailer and the US-based United Food and Commercial Workers (UFCW), which has accused the retailer of "union-busting" efforts to keep US stores from unionizing. According to a statement from UFCW, Wal-Mart "pays poverty wages, ships jobs to countries where sweatshops are prevalent and, in the US, shifts enormous health care costs onto taxpayers." The UFCW isn't fighting to improve the lives of the 'average worker' and they could care less about 'sweat shops' in third world countries, so what gives? The UFCW is fighting for its existance. In the US there are about 800,000 union members, mostly in the grocery business. These unionized workers are employed at retail stores such as Kroger and Safeway. The problem is that these other retail grocers are losing market share and sales to Walmart. Walmart has developed not 'a' but 'the' state of the art distribution system. This system reduces shortages of popular items on store shelves and also tracks vast amounts of "purchasing data" for the manufactuers, Walmart and even the US Government. The other retailers aren't nearly as nimble and they have about an additional 20% layer of costs, due to union agreements and concessions. Some benefit cuts have been made, to the union's chagrin. But if a major retailer goes bust, it would spell disaster for the UFCW. They have no option but to get Walmart employees to join the union. For a union to be successful it needs to learn not to price itself out of the market. Higher wages, benifits, vacation(s), vested 401 plans and other wanted things are good to get but if it requires you to sell dollar bills for $1.25, it isn't going to work. Pickets, flyers, bullhorns, inflatable rats and all the other attention getting toys unions commonly use will be laughably pointless when confronted with market forces. And if countries change their laws to bend or blunt the effects of market forces on its unions, they become France.

Behold!

New York,NY--During a morning walk through Central Park, An Upper East Side mother, while pushing her stroller, was accosted by David Morris, 44, of Apple Valley, MN. Mr. Morris was reported to be dressed as a wizard, complete with 'staff'. "He asked me if I wanted a moustache ride", says Sara Tegg, another Central Park victim. "He seemed like a creep, so I notified the police." NYPD on horseback cornered Mr. Morris near the Bethesda, hiding under some bushes. "We knew something was wrong with this guy." said Frank Rollins, of the NYPD. "He said that we couldn't arrest him, because he was a level 8, Quam trained master wizard, what ever the fuck that was supposed to mean. And he also said that he would protect me from evil spells, If I let him go, so I shot him with my tazer. After that, this guy's wizard day was over." A rollerblader, Shamzarah, 26, of the Bronx, said that "they shot that man, the wizardman, with some electrical shit. He shitted his pants or somthing, cause' when they took him away you could smell, like a funky shit smell. Damn!? What kind of wizard is dat?!"

The sister of Mr. Morris, Rita, said via telephone from Burnsville, MN. That her brother suffers from psychological problems and that he was in NYC to see the sights. And it would seem to offer its residents 'moustache rides'.

PWE

I was feeling a little blue one week, tired and sluggish. So a freind, who works as a chemist at a major phamacutical company, fed-ex'd me a bottle of pills that he said would, 'straighten you out'. Well, I had the pills for about a week before I decided to actually take them. I had given up on feeling tired and worn out all the time. So I removed the bottle from the Fed-ex box and removed the bubble wrap. And inside was a plastic tube, like a small tennis ball container, full of chubby snow white tablets. Stuffed in the box was a handwritten note from my friend, on company letterhead. It read, "Jgonzz follow directions and crush and destroy bottle when finished." I looked at the bottle's label and directions. It read,"PWE, take one pill per day, NOT for Asians or Protestants". I laughed and thought that this must be some type of fucking joke. So I called my friend and asked about the label's terms and he said that they were real pills and that as far as he knew the label's warning was genuine. I thought about it. I wasn't Asian. And as far as I knew, I wasn't a Protestant. So everything should be fine. After my shower, I combed my hair, brushed my teeth and took my first pill and then went to sleep.

The following morning I didn't feel any different. What a ripoff, I thought. I was still sleepy but I didn't feel so sluggish. I made it through the whole day without really being tired. So I felt that the pill was already working its magic. That nite I took my second pill and went to bed. The following morning I felt wide awake, really awake. The problem was that, it was only 5am. I couldn't force myself to go back to sleep, so I decided to start the day a little earlier than normal. While I was at work, I seemed to get more done in the day than usual. I made alot more cold calls and generated a few more trades from my clients. When I went home, I didn't feel tired at all. I felt like a cyborg after a tuneup and an oil change. That nite, I decided to clean my apartment. I swept the floors, cleaned the windows, did a load of laundry and didn't get really get tired until almost midnite. So, after my apartment was cleaned and my towels were folded, I took my pill and went to bed.

I continued to take the pills for over two months. I was going to bed at 10pm and waking up at about 4am and would arrive at my desk at 6am. I would often work till 6pm or 7pm, and get a tremendous amount of work done. I was doing more business and making more commissions, so I was feeling great. I wasn't feeling tired or sluggish like I used to, but in fact I felt the opposite. I felt electric.

It was about this time my friend called me and told me to 'flush the pills and destroy the bottle'. I was shocked! I told him that I was feeling great. And I didn't feel any side effects. He said in a hushed tone that the Government had shut down the entire project and that "they came in, confiscated all of our equipment, computers, written notes and all of our pill supplies". And with that he hung up. I only had half a bottle remaining and I wasn't about to flush these things down the toilet, fuck that.

About a week later, after work, I came home and noticed that something wasn't right. I had a feeling that someone was in my apartment. I looked around and checked every room and closet. Everything looked normal and undisturbed. After loading the dishwasher and getting ready for bed, I went to take another of my dwindling supply of pills. But the pills were gone! What the fuck!? I looked all over my apartment, through drawers, cabinets, even the trash can and came up empty. Bottles of pills, as a general rule, don't get up and walk away. Someone has to take them. I checked my windows and they were all locked up. And I remembered that when I came home It was necessary to unlock my door. The door looked good, no scratches or damage. I was really pissed, confused and tired. So after a few hours of TV I fell asleep.

At about 2am my phone rang. I didn't want to answer it, but the fucking thing kept ringing and ringing. I reluctantly picked up the reciever and forced out a 'hello'. I didn't hear anything on the otherside, so I was about to hang up, then I heard a male voice,"hey!" I asked, "who is this?" The voice said, "you think you are so fucking smart..didn't you?!" I'm thinking that this guy is an ex-boyfriend of some girl I dated almost a year ago. So I said, "asshole..she ain't here. I haven't seen her in over a year, get a life, move on..go suck a dick and leave me the fuck alone." The voice answered, "I'm not talking about some ugly bitch you fucked, you fat moron. I'm talking about your little pill stash". And I could hear in the caller's background what sounded like a freezer bag full of pills. This guy now had my undivided attention. I yelled, "you broke into my apartment and stole my pills..didn't you!?" "I didn't steal anything", the voice said."We had orders and a warrant." "We"? I asked. "What are you a cop?" He said that he was a federal agent, but didn't specify the agency. What kind of agent was this guy? He answered, "the kind that doesn't answer questions". And then he said that, "you are lucky that we didn't arrest you for having these things, strong stuff, dangerous stuff, could ruin the country and a controlled substance too." I asked, "well what is PWE? cocaine? PCP? I never felt like I was druged up". He took a moment to swallow what sounded like a one in a long series of Iced bourbons. "You took this shit and didn't even know what it was? Now, I know that you are a fucking idiot!" I replied, "well, no. I didn't know what it was, but I felt great..." The agent interrupted me by saying, with a slight slur in his speech, "It made you work like a dog didn't it? heh? Made you want to get things done. The very thought of procrastinating couldn't be entertained. You felt like a freshly tightened screw." He had the feeling exactly right. "yes, that it" I answered. "PWE" said the agent,"is Protestant Work Ethic". Huh?! I said. "yep" the agent replied. "We had to shut down the whole fucking program. Beautiful pills. Little fat white chalky pills. I have a small self-storage unit full of em'. But they are all for me!" I asked "why was it shut down? What's dangerous about these PWE things?" "It would ruin the country." the agent replied. "If all of America's slackers, bums and fuckups started taking these things, it would disrupt the balance in our society. The Democrats would loose voters like crazy, zip code by zip code. The country would become overly Republican and we can't have abortion clinic bombers running the halls of Congress. And criminals would want to go straight. I'd be out of a job and the police unions would be up in arms. The NAACP, Rev. Jesse and that fat guy Sharpton don't want all their supporters working 65 hr weeks. They would work their way right out of the ghetto. Then who would need Jesse? The NAACP? They would all be looking for work. The homeless and shiftless would work for nothing, picking up trash, cleaning the streets,etc. They would work just for the pleasure of getting something accomplished. The order of things would be fliped on its side. The country would be ruined." There was a moment of silence followed by the sound of a tumbler of ice hitting a carpeted floor.He then hung up on me.

It was within a few months, I was back to my old routine. I was sleeping late, feeling sluggish and being tired. It sucked.

Surprise Attack !!

Didn't your parents ever tell you to "never trust a monkey with a snowball"?

How genuine are Anti-war Protestors?

The other day I came accross an 'anti-war' website that was unusually polished, complete with a Mission Statement that was unsually naive. It was something like, "End war and keep America safe!" And that a world coalition enforcing laws to ensure freedoms and blah, blah. It didn't actually mention how this coalition would enforce 'the law', but I'm sure there is much more here that wasn't thought out.

A cursory study of military history will obviously also become by de facto, a study of man. War involves disputes over sovereignty, territory, resources and the like, but the required element, the sine qua non, is politics. If War was an animal, without politics the beast would be dead. Aristotle said that, "man is by nature a political animal". So to guarantee the end of war would require the elimination of the human race. The earth would be a planet of fruits and vegetables. (You couldn't have animals, like monkeys, because they are territorial, create gangs or units and they organize raids as a basic ritual.) And although there has been great advances made in the development and cultivation of vegetables, they have never grasped, not even the clever Yellow Onion, the basic concepts of organizing a hostile campaign.

So, for the anti-war protester what options are there? To end war Man must end himself. If protesters are genuinely passionate in ending all war then they should put down the pickets and kill themselves. Suck the gas pipe.

Arrested

Brooklyn,NY--Yesterday, Martian Fisk,38 , was arrested for abusing and endangering his inner child. Neighbors said that he was a really easy going guy and were shocked that something like this would occur in their neighborhood. Mr. Fisk had recently lost his job at a yogurt plant, Yummy! Yogurts, Inc., due to seasonal layoffs. "We had a tip that this guy was drunk. So we checked it out." says, Roger Minte, NYPD. "His living room was filled with empty beer cans, an overflowing ashtray and empty potato chip bags-a real dump! We didn't see even one toy in the whole apartment. This guy is a real scumbag." A psychotherapist will be called in to examine Mr. Fisk and following Jungian psychology guidelines will determine the child's condition.

Live long and Prosper

New York--The LA Times recently ran a story about the "Child Exploitation Section" of the Toronto Sex Crimes Unit, which contained a mind-boggling statistic: of the more than 100 offenders the unit has arrested over the last four years, "all but one" has been "a hard-core Star Trek fan or commonly known as a Trekkie. In fact, Star Trek paraphernalia has so routinely been found at the homes of the pedophiles they've arrested that it has become a joke among police personel. Star Trek depicted an optimistic future in which mankind has overcome racism, poverty, warfare, tooth decay, intolerance but it never cured the ills of society's sexually repressed, confused and underdeveloped. And to demonstrate our point, the WSPO hired two hookers, twins actually, and disguised them as ambassadors, Link and Tink, from the planet Girl, which is located near the Beta quadrant, and attended Trek 2005, the Star Trek convention held every year at the Javitz Center.

It became obvious that beautiful women are not a common site at these events, because we could hear the nerds become restless and frightened. The girls met a guy dressed as Spock, complete with tribble, which actually was his 'mom's merkin', Darb Elder, from Crete Nebraska (where ever the fuck that is). They explained to Mr. Elder that if he plied them with some Romulan ale they would let him apply his 'Vulcan death grip' in the privacy of his midtown hotel. Mr. Elder stated that although he was delighted to meet two ambassadors from Girl, he would have to decline the offer, because it would violate various protocols of Starfleet Command.

A little later, a short flabby man dressed as a Klingon approached the girls. With him were about five or six other Klingons of various size and age. He said, "I am Qo' nos, the great Klingon warrior, from the royal house of Kahless." The other Klingons nodded in agreement, but the girls weren't impressed. "We warriors that are Klingon are known throughout the heavans for our bravery, fighting skills and sexual appetite." Again the other Klingons smiled and nodded in agreement. Qo' nos finished by saying," I wish to mount you sluts and teach you the secrets of Klingon mating!" With this said the other Klingons let out a 'hoorah'. A moment passed and then one of the twins, I think it was Link, walked up to her new Klingon friend and grabed his 'unit'. (Link doesn't like being called a slut, she only likes it if your also pulling her hair) The other Klingons at attendance and by this time other coventioneers that had gathered around expressed shock and voiced their opinion(s) that Link's action was a clear violation of several bylaws in the Starfleet handbook. Link gave him a good squeeze and he grunted, which was followed by a few light 'popping' sounds, like microwave popcorn. Qo' nos, warrior from the house of Kahless, stumbled a few steps and then collapsed onto a giant cardboard cutout of "Lieutenant Commander Data", pulling it onto the floor. The heavans may know of Klingon bravery but do they also know of their bouts of crippling premature ejaculation?

After a few hours it became obvious that despite being gorgeous, dumb (they never got the Spock hand signal correct), blonde and possessing sweet, tight pheromone emitting bodies, the girls would be leaving empty handed.

Happy Fun Ball

New York, NY--One of our own staffers at WSPO, Mark Nokes, was admited to an area hospital after he swallowed a Happy Fun Ball. Actually, it was Jgonzz's Happy Fun Ball. Mr. Nokes was in Jgonzz's office playing 'Civ III'. After eating two dozen chocolate doughnuts, and losing three cities and a settler unit to the Zulu's (because he didn't have Iron or horses, the poor bastard), Mr. Nokes removed the Happy Fun Ball from its special container and swallowed it whole. Physicians will have to remove it from his stomach, because it is too large to 'pass' through the digestive tract. "We knew something was wrong." said Ms. Taylor, Jgonzz's secretary. "Mark has always been weird, but he became even more so. He complained of dizziness, loss of balance and his speech became slurred. When the chocolate foam started coming out of his nose and mouth, I called the Ambulance. The Happy Fun Ball had better not be damaged. (Because) the maufactuer, Wacky Products Inc., has been out of business for about five years, due to massive class action lawsuits. And they are no longer available."

Santa's helper

Lenexa, KS--Police arrested a man disguised as Santa Claus, who had entered an area home. Adam Carter, of Mission Hills, was arrested for breaking, entering and endangering children. Mr. Carter had entered the home of Rita and Tom Wilson of Lenexa, sometime around 4pm tuesday. When Mr. Carter entered the home he was confronted with the Wilson's three children, Bobby, 7, Emiliy, 4 and Cindy 2 1/2 . Mr. Wilson was at work and Mrs. Wilson was taking a nap. "I knew something wasn't right." recalls Bobby, "I mean, it's August and Santa isn't supposed to smell like dried cat piss." Mr. Carter entered the Wilson home with a bag of 'toys', with the intention of selling them to the Wilson children. The children were excited upon the sight of seeing Santa, but when he emptied his bag, the children became confused. The bag contained an old coffee machine, a roll of Mr. Yuk stickers, the paperback 'How to Beat Pacman', two broken umbrellas, a lava lamp, the album 'Moving Pictures' from Rush, an empty bottle of Polo cologne, and a few issues of Barely Legal. "I thought, what's this shit?!" said Bobby, "So I went into my mom's room and woke her up". Mrs. Wilson struck Mr. Carter on the head with a bottle of Absolute Vodka, breaking it. The children were not injured and Mr. Carter's Bail will be set tommorow.

Dinklage must be Stopped!!

PASADENA, Calif. - "Desperate Housewives" star
Eva Longoria was injured Wednesday during taping of the hit ABC comedy and was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment, officials said. Longoria, 30, was "bumped on the head by something" while shooting on location, an ABC spokesperson said. A WSPO source has uncovered a few facts that have again missed the ears of the main stream media. We have learned that Peter Dinklage was on set filming a love scene with Ms. Longoria. During the shoot, Mr. Dinklage was mounting Ms. Longoria 'doggie style' and while screaming, she smashed her head on the bed's headboard. The filming was immediately halted and many of the other cast and crew ran to Ms. Longoria's aid. Mr. Dinklage's agent, Danny Rose, said "We may have to get some supplemental insurance coverage on Peter, if his antics continue to interfere with sensitive and expensive production schedules." We at the WSPO say that this oversexed love dwarf must be stopped! What other unsuspecting starlet will be injured and hospitalized after falling on Dinklage's sword? Someone hide Scarlett Johansson before another disaster befalls the entertainment world!!

Cuba

Cuba--In the harshest crackdown on dissent in two years, Cuban authorities have 'temporarily' detained more than 50 opposition figures in recent weeks and encouraged government militants,aka 'paid goons', to disrupt opposition activities. On Friday, more than 60 pro-government militants gathered outside the home of Vladimiro Roca, a prominent dissident leader, shouting "worm," "traitor" and "terrorist" as they prevented Roca from holding an opposition gathering. Is there anyone else on earth that thinks 'Castro' is a good idea? Excluding professors in American Universities, of course, the only morons remaining that would cash this guy's cheque. I like many others that own a TV and have cable, view liberal demonstrations; against oppression, for truth, against tyranny, for the common man, against big corporations, and etc. But they never question the authority or legitimacy of a leftist, socialist or communist government or program. Even as these governments fill their jails with 'criminals', whose crimes aren't murders, bombs, plots, plans, guerilla actions but questions that offically shouldn't and must not be asked. Such as, who the fuck voted for you?! Castro is responsible for alot of suffering in Cuba. Not because of his five hour speeches, although they could be considered torture, but because the Cuban people, are expected to live in squalor, depleated and debased lives. While Castro enjoys everything made avilable to an American, but denied to a Cuban. Castro is an old fool and like all old fools, they die.

Who is this guy?

NEW YORK, NY- Steven Cojocaru is looking for another kidney transplant (reports Yahoo news) after the first donated kidney had to be removed due to infection. I have never seen this guy before, but he seems to be some kind of TV personality. I have a feeling that his dentist has a 125' yacht named, "The Cojocaru". If Cameron's Aliens were to run up on this guy, they would certainly cry game over.

Madonna is busted...

London,UK--The world wide pop Uberartist, Madonna, broke a collarbone, fractured a hand and cracked three ribs Tuesday after she fell from a horse while riding on her London area estate, reports people close to the situation.
Her husband,Guy Ritchie, famed movie director, took the injured entertainer to an unnamed hospital, where she was treated and released. However, other reports indicate Madonna was injured while filming, Boogie Nights II, directed by Mr. Ritchie and co-staring Peter Dinklage, the American phenom of stage and screen. "We were rehersing scene 14-a, that's where my character, Jimmy Piston, has to have sex with the aging prostitute-pornstar-landlady." said, Mr. Dinklage. "Madonna is very professonal and her husband is too, I was very impressed." The scene that Mr. Dinklage refers to, requires his character to fuck Madonna's character 'up the ass', to prevent her from evicting him from an rundown midtown(New York) apartment. "When I read the script I wasn't sure if this was necessary to stay true to the story,you know.., to the screenwriter's vision." says Mr. Dinklage. "I didn't really want to have sex with Madonna's rearend. I've played Richard III on Broadway for Christ's sake! But, I've had my eye on a beautiful Townhouse in Brooklyn Hights, near St. Ann's High School and the role paid over one million dollars. So, would I fuck an old jew broad up the ass for $1.25 million? You Bet!" The rehearsal was proceeding well until Mr. Dinklage penetrated Madonna's ass. "That's when things went really wrong." recalls Mr. Dinklage. "I may be short, but I'm hung like a fucking carnival freak. She said 'give it to me Pete, and turn it really sweet'. So, I did. And then she screamed and blood started spraying out of her backside, like a Wagner Power Paint Sprayer." Mr. Ritchie took Madonna to the hospital for some stitches and antibiotics. She also bruised her 2nd and 3rd Lumbar vertebrae. "I felt so bad about the whole incident. I also told Guy (Ritchie) that I was sorry for busting his wife's ass open. He made me feel comfortable about the whole thing. And told me that she would 'get over it.'" The production schedule for Boogie Nights II has been pushed back at least eight weeks.

Doggie Power

New York,NY-- A local man has untaped a secret of the female mind. "I was just out walking the dog one nite and noticed that alot of girls were coming up to my dog and wanting to talk. But then I found myself surrounded, I started to get a little nervous, you know... And then they started to jump all over me. I was like, Hey lady! What's the deal?!" recalls L. Gomez. "It took almost two hours for me and 'Brownie' to get home. And they ripped my shirt! And to make matters worse I almost missed the fucking Yankee game!" It seems that the usual rejection and social conventions are ignored or forgotten when faced with a cute dog and a dog's owner. "It's not even my fucking dog! It belongs to my fiance'. But hey, where I live (20's & Park), the area is loaded with sexy, drunk and horny mammas. And the dog likes to walk alot, so we get along." When we spoke to Brownie he said,"look I wan't to be fed, petted a little, yea-rub my ears, scatch my ass and take me out on Walkies. But this fucking guy is trying to kill me. I've got short little legs. If he wasn't so fucking stoned and 'pussy drunk' from all the girls I pull in, maybe he'd notice my situation. Naw, you know what? Screw him."