Voided the Warranty..

Ok, I've woken up with a headache or maybe a leg cramp. This guy, Fateh Mohammad, woke up with a lightbulb up his ass. The doctor treating Mr. Mohammad said he doubted the story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose. Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for "making liquor"(!), prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn't know the bulb was there..ok

The production of liquor is prohibited in this Muslim lands, but 'bulb surfing' is a time honored tradition that may actually reduce Mr. Mohammad's sentence, due to his popularity with the guards and fellow inmates.
For the obvious reasons, General Electric has "passed" on any potential marketing campaigns addressing this virtually unknown market.

Again with the Hippies...

LOS ANGELES - Workers began bulldozing a 14-acre urban garden Wednesday, and 10 protesters were arrested as they tried to stop the 'demolition'. Eight protesters broke into the site shortly afternoon and rushed the bulldozer. Some of the demonstrators climbed on but were forced down by security guards and arrested by police. For years, neighborhood residents grew vegetables and flowers on the site rent free. But they were evicted three weeks ago after the property's owner Ralph Horowitz told them he planned to build a warehouse on the land. And of course the hippies fuckin' freaked out. Even Daryl Hannah joined the hippie's cause. Hippies don't need warehouses...they need flowers and rent free living!

God, I hate hippies.

Well, Hey I'm here to help. It seems that the owner, Mr. Horowitz offered to sell most of this lot to the hippies for $16million. But, you know what? The hippies couldn't come up with the cash. yea, a real shocker. How many fucking dumb trinkets do these people have to sell to raise $16million? But hey! They don't have to! Here's an idea...

Pimp Daryl Hannah out! Figure about five 'dates' a day, six days a week and one day for rest and healing. I would bet that Ms. Hannah could command about $2000/date, including greek. And If she really turns the freak on, she'd get some good tips too! So, add that to the pile. that's about $240,000 a month. I'm sure Wells Fargo Bank would arrange some type of financing for this property. Not to mention the 'good-will' points Wells Fargo would earn with the community and the hippies. (Everybody loves happy hippies)

Then again...If Ms. Hannah's heart wasn't really behind the effort in 'saving' this garden, I'm sure the hippies would understand.
And then...if Ms. Hannah was really smart she would have paid a vist to Mr. Horowitz's home and made some type of 'non-conventional' arrangement.

"yea, I know she's a shiksa but that mouth is like silk!"

Did ya ever lose your keys?

This guy lost the top of his skull. Yea, It 'died' and just fell off.

So the next time your bitchin' about your tired feet, your sore peepee or something really dumb, just think about this fuckin' freak.

the story...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060705/od_nm/india_skull1_dc;_ylt=Au5MOjbf2.bNhMRAJoVHncus0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3ODdxdHBhBHNlYwM5NjQ-

Somebody say Replacements??

Ok, So there is no saving Star Jones at The View. Who could replace such a talent? Somebody get Danny Rose on the phone! With every TV job opening the usual names and usual rejects get tossed about. And some of those rejects are dwarfs, like "Larry the party Dwarf from Middle Earth". When the ale starts flowing, even the Orcs can't keep up! no good?! We'll he'll work for beer and a few Hustler magizines.

Stimpy is too far out of the Price range. William Hung is too fucking wierd. Brak? Whats that?

No, for real star power they need to pull out the big guns..... Donald Trump's wig.

The Donald won't go anywhere without his wig, but the wig can do a two hour taping monday through thursdays, for a modest sum. It only asks for abosolute control, respect, a limo full of wet horny naked girls and a few merkins...oh and keep it away from any open flames.

The View is good..

New York-- As if we New Yorkers didn't need to be reminded that , well yes, the center of the fucking universe is New York, the recent developments at "The View" should be a kind reminder. Star Jones, a founding member of the show was asked, 'not to return', for the future seasons. In other words she was fired. I've only watched about ten minutes of "The View", and my first impression was, "what's fucking wrong with Star?!". She acted as if the whole world was mocking her. All the women on the panel were laughing and talking and Star had a really pissed look on her face...Like some one surfaced with pictures of her husband with an assortment of nude sweaty boys.
As a casual observer I wasn't too far off the mark. Audiences and the network describe Star as "passive-aggressive" and well, really boring to watch.

Star needs to get credit for losing all of that fucking fat. I mean, come on she looked like a fucking clown..a fat clown. And I don't care how many times Al Reynolds (the Mr. Star) says he's staright, too many people in New York say he's gay. Drivers, handlers, doormen, servicemen...you get the idea.. This guy loves the cock...

Yea, so Star is so full of herself..like Kathy Lee Gifford, another morning TV reject. Its pure TV Guide Schadenfreude, but I'll bet Star lands on her feet somewhere. The smart money says it won't be anywhere near FOX...maybe the WB..or radio..

Cinco de Mayo...

An imported holiday that is wraped around the consumption of alcohol and cheesey, spicy, crunchy fare. And don't forget the guacamole. What this has to do with taking up arms against the French is any one's guess. Frenchmen? We don't need any stinking Frenchmen!

...And 8 ball was his name-o...

WASHINGTON - Rep. Patrick Kennedy had another car crash yesterday, in the long proud Kennedy tradition. The accident however, didn't involve the death of a passenger, so he still has some progress to make "full Kennedy status".

His Physican Dr. Sanjur Rabb said that the amounts of cocaine perscribed to Mr. Kennedy were within the legal limits. After a series of gastro-infections, he was ordered to consume over 5 grams a day. The discomfort of the illness required a slightly higher dosage and the consumption of beer with a small marijuana 'support', to stimulate hunger.

Let that be a lesson...

After the Twizzlers and all of the chocolate cake, this kid just didn't see it coming.

A New Addition..

We won this great artwork, Urine Clown by Iji Kimmio. It took three days of furious offering on Ebay and $14,500, but hey, we had a bare wall by the PinBot machine... It just adds so much to the room.

$145,000 for a roll of toilet paper?

Yea, if you are lucky enough to live in Zimbabwe, a real first class shithole. Although it seems like alot of money for a paper roll its only about $0.69 in US Dollars. The country is suffering from hyperinflation, about 1000% per year. The smallest bill is the $500 note, the $20 (pictured) isn't made any more.If it was, you would need 7250 bills to purchase this paper roll...whats the point?! The maestro of this grand symphony of chaos is Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe's 'president'.
The capital city, Harare, doesn't have clean water, because the water treatment plant is broken down, in need of parts and new equipment. They pull their water from the same lake that the sewers empty into, so cholera and dysentery has broken out all over the city. So, what happened?
Well, if we remember, Mugabe wanted the "white farmers" to give their land to the "Zimbabwe people". It was a big scam. The choice lands went to the political class. These 'white farmers' had been farming the land for generations, building up vast knowledge in farming and food production. Zimbabwe used to actually export food to other areas of Africa. Well...the white farmers left, moving to neighboring countries, taking their families, knowlege and money with them.
And in February the govt. said that they had paid back the International Monetary Fund's $221,000,000 USD debt, that was in arrears. If they didn't, Zimbabwe's membership would be threatened. Mugabe did this by printing over $21 trillion Zimbabwe dollars, to purchase the US currency, to cover the debt.
Who in their fucking mind would want to loan this moron money?

yea..

I knew someone out there would come around.

A Shmoo

A shmoo (noun:SH- MOO) is a fictional cartoon creature that is shaped like a plump bowling pin with legs, but no arms. They reproduce asexually, and are very prolific. They like to be eaten.
Shmoos are tasty, and are so eager to be eaten that if they are looked at by someone who is hungry they will gladly jump into a frying pan. Naturally gentle and docile, they require minimal care, and are ideal playmates for young children and retarded people.

$100 Oil?... Who cares?

Midland, Texas--At the American Petrolieum Institute, a off campus petro-chemistry department of the University of Texas, is preparing a symposium on using america's waste as a source of energy. Animal waste and household waste isn't being discussed but instead the waste of the American social landscape-Hipsters, Hippies, Emos and other social blights.

Professor Jerry Nutt from the API said, "The use of these freaks won't solve our oil dependency problems, but may serve as a stopgap or pressure valve to let some some air out of these high oil prices". To further explain the program, Dr. Nutt said, "The target person(s) would be teased with free black lipsticks, black fingernail polish and eyeliner, Von Dutch caps, Louis Vuitton bags (fake-of course), free Grateful Dead t-shirts, gourmet bong water and etc., knocked on the head and tossed into the 'rendering vats', where under extreme heat and pressure are 'cracked' into various oils and light fuels.

The 'emos' seem to release the most SOEU, Social Outcast Energy Units, and hence more valuable. Nobody know why, but it may have something to do with their Shmoo-like nature. Since all future rendering facilities will be paying a premium for all 'emo deliveries' their apprehension would become a top priorty. The emo kid now has reason to cry.

CNBC drama..

Fort Lee, NJ--Mad Money host and CNBC big shot, James Cramer, is reportably investing some of his valuable time with, Mindy Barnes, one of the "BooYaa" girls.

An anonymous member of the CNBC staff has said that, "yea, he's boning her. We thought it was some fat guy in drag-that's how ugly she was, but nope. She's a she. And Mr. Cramer likes em' that way- big and fruity".

Television analyst Robert Krump said, "the show will survive a scandle like this, as long as the girl is of age and is actually a girl. Mad Money makes mad amounts of money for CNBC. They have made some changes that can already been seen; lavish sets, new hair plugs, lots of new AV and computer equipment, sound effects and higher production values."

I'd eat a mile of...

David Blaine, master magician and master of 'self promotion' has devised his most challenging trick to date. On July 4 2006, in Staten Island, Mr. Blaine will consume one mile of poop.

Many of the past 'stunts' were those that involved the "lack of something", air, food, water, suspense and etc. This new stunt will require him to actually eat 5280 feet or approxamately 1850 pounds of dog shit in less than one week. Mr. Blaine's manager, Zack Miller, said that " the world will once again be amazed by the concentration and superhuman focus of David's energies". When asked about the English response to Mr. Blain's last stunt, 'Above the Below', where he was suspended about 30 feet in the air, enclosed in a glass case, recieving no food only water, Mr. Miller said, "the English were cruel and dim for not understanding David's genius".

Dr. William Hipple said that " the human consumption of over a thousand pounds of fecal matter would cause the body to enter septic shock and then probably death. The human digestive system wasn't designed to consume poop". (hence the reason TGI Fridays is almost out of business)

Panthers at Duke

The national chairman of the "New Black Panther Party for Self-Defense", Malik Zulu Shabazz, says his group intends to march at Duke University on Monday to "deal directly" with lacrosse players about charges of rape of an escort service dancer at a team party.

Thats what this situation needs-a bunch of irate, armed black militants looking for 'justice'. Its done wonders for the property values of Newark, Detroit and the Upper West Side.

According to the Anti-Defamation League, the New Panthers are a black separatist militia founded in 1990 by Khallid Muhammad, who was removed from a leadership post at the Nation of Islam after Louis Farrakhan reportedly found his statements against Jews, Catholics and homosexuals too radical. The old "Panther Party", founded by Huey Newton ('cokehead brotha number one'), has disavowed any relationship with this "New Panther Party".

Officals at Duke, not wanting any members of their student body shot or stabbed, has decided to provide a permit for the 'peaceful demonstration' through Duke University property and also buckets of chicken and biscuits form "Chicken n' Biscuits". Duke spokesperson Andy Hillers said, "when these northern blacks come down here, they are not prepared for our good ole' southern fried chicken ways. When They bite into our chicken, wooo weee, their eyes will roll back into their little nappy heads and the biscuits- forget about it". Duke officals are hoping that an over feed Panther is a sleepy well behaved panther.

Gettin' to know us...

Here is one of our staffers, Janet Lime, in attendence at the NY Kielbasa Tournament 2006 at "Spanky's Squat and Gobble" in SOHO. Although she has never won in any of the five tournaments over the years, she is known around the office as the "human vacuum". Many of our staffers think Ms. Lime would actually win, if only she concentrated on consuming the 12 oz links (regulation size and weight). But at various moments in her 10 minute speed rounds, she has been seen gaging on her link, slapping herself in the face, talking to it and at times even crying.

Ms. Lime's easy going nature and lightning fast 15 WPM make her a very valuable member of the WSPO team.

Eva & Ratfink

They solve crime by day and um...Eva's character has a medical condition that requires her to wear a Bikini at all times. Ratfink smokes big joints, has a nose for mischief and makes off color jokes concerning Ms. Longora's body.

I need to shop this thing around. I'm sure the WB would take it.

A New Leaf

Naushad Raquib has chosen to live a clean life. No smoking. No sex. No drinking. No rich foods or chocolate. He has been 'clean' for over fifteen months. He's lost about 30 pounds and about two feet of height. Being interviewed by Deutche Weld TV, sporting his lucky blue lungi, he confesses the strain of being clean. "I really miss the chocolate. I mean, what was I thinking? I'd sell one of my wives for a fucking Yorkie Bar!"

After a few moments of just repeating "Yorkie Bar", Mr. Raquib went into some sort of trance.

WSPO needs $$

So we are parting with some of our most prized possessions. This stuff is hot. Like a hot fukin' Fajita sizzling in your eye!

Make an offer. They are in 'good' shape, complete with jacketcovers. The great memories I have with them are mine to keep. Make your own.

Happy bidding..
Payable via cheque, MO or wire.

FREE SEX...!!

New York, NY--A Manhattan callgirl has decided to offer all area men free sex. Babydoll, 29, has decided that it would be her effort to 'help the world'. She said, " there is so much bad stuff going on in the world, ugliness, hate, war. I don't want any part of it. So i'm going to spread love, happiness..and my legs!"

There is no law being violated by having 'free sex' with anybody, but this hasn't been supported by SDACGA, Strippers Dancers and Call Girls Alliance, generally identified as the 'strippers union'.

Wendy Curtis, SDACGA president, has said that Ms. Babydoll's offer of free sex is a clear violation of the bylaws of the SDACGA, anti-dumping provision. "How can a woman put food on her table?! Clothes on her children's backs?! If she can't make a living wage?! Flooding the marketplace with free pussy?! We at the SDACGA condem this offer! These are Wallmart tactics!"

Almost the entire month of May has already been booked. She only provides incall and offers BBBJTC, GFE, ATM, greek and dwarf massage.


http://www.hot-local-escorts.com/usa/ny/babydoll.htm

I gotta' find a new bar..

My usual hang out, Shenanigans (82nd &2nd, upper east side), has gotten too weird. Hey, I like to have a good time like everybody else, but when you peer through the alcoholic haze and witness a vision of Pennywise riding Santa on a bug infested mattress, sitting on a dirt floor, its time to start hanging out at Applebees.

And I gotta' pay for the room too?

This is the last time I use this escort service.

Hippie Hybrid

I hate hippies. They spend all day trying to figure out 'how to make the world perfect'. They smoke a lot of weed too. A lot of weed. And they like to craft law that doesn't make any sense. Enter the 'hybrids'. Cars that promise to help keep the world a better place, a cleaner place and making the Earth Mother happy. The price of gasoline would have to be over $10 a gallon for any real hybrid to make any economic sense. A Toyota Corolla gets about 7 mpg less than a Prius, but costs about $6000 less, than the Prius. As long as gas is $2/$3 a gallon, people are still going to be buying big cars, trucks and SUVs.

To really help keep gasoline consumption down buy a bike or some walking shoes. Don't drive six blocks to your local gym, so you can use the treadmill for an hour.

Longoria Paradox

Ok, so the jury is back and its been decided that Eva Longoria is just too fukin' hot. How hot? Her used panties were for sale on Ebay. They were obviously fake and Ebay pulled the plug, but not before they were priced over $150,000 USD.

French Mathamatician Daniel Moire PHD, of Le Paris Institute de Mathamatica', is developing a formula, to help explain, quantatively, how Ms. Longoria became so "delisiously yummy". He stated that "her pussy would melt under my tounge, like a freshly scubed schoolgirl, her sweet juice spills out of my mouth, down my chin and fills my parched soul". His requests for articles of Ms. Longoria's clothing have gone unanswered. Dr. Moire said that "her clothing, imbibed with her scent, would help with our work"!

Ebay auction..

http://cgi.ebay.com/Used-Panties_W5QQitemZ9510544959QQcategoryZ1467QQssEvaLongoriaZWDVWrdZ1QcmdZViewItem

Death to Israel Bake Sale !!

Ok, so the Palestinian government needs a few bucks to meet payroll, about 140,000 people, what to do? The US and Europe have said "no" and payroll was supposed to have been done two weeks ago. The European Union suspended its $600 million direct aid package to the Palestinian government, and the United States suspended a $400 million donation after Hamas's unexpected electoral victory in January. These measures were aimed at increasing pressure on the group to renounce violence and to recognize Israel. Iran and Qatar have pledged $100 million to help the new government out. Thats a great start but the Palestinian government needs about $170 million a month! Oh, and the only thing they have on the books is $1.7 billion in debts.

A busted state, an empty treasury, rampant corruption and accusations are the finest ingredients for civil war.

Wanted: robot patch kit...

Long Island, NY--Hofstra University, Senior, Brad Zuppin was arrested off campus for having sexual relations with an underaged robot. Hofstra Spokesperson Amy Barnes said that, "Mr. Zuppin was a star student, spending long hours in the robotics lab, located in the basement of Weller Hall, often with his assistant, a Bot named Gonk. It was on one of these nights that The Hofstra Campus Police have reported that something 'happened'."

Fellow student Mitch Adams said, "they were always together. In the lunch room. In the library. On the bus. We can't believe something like this could happen. Gonk never said anything, but did seem unusually sad the last few weeks.."

Mr. Zuppin's studies have been suspended and he has been placed into the Blair House Psychiatric Center for Perverts, located in Long Island.