Iran

Things are heating up in Iran.

If by saying heating up, do I mean an end to the status quo of old indifferent men having sex with young boys (as if from Athens!) and controlling the state through a tortured tangled web of religious rules and edicts, making all women second class citizens...um no.

Who are these Mullahs? And who died and made them in charge? The state motto is "Independence, freedom, Islamic Republic". How much freedom would one expect in a country where the head of government is called the Supreme Leader..ala' Der Fuhrer.

What would Cyrus the great and Darius I have to say about all of this?

How strong is a country that outlaws Valentines Day?

They never learn

Imagine that you are a big shot executive at NBC and you need to make a decision to renew or not renew your distribution agreement with Apple's itunes. NBC is a media company. They sell entertainment, news, schmaltz..you get the idea. The old way of doing this was through 'box sets', DVDs at Wal-Mart, Target or some other retailer. iTunes sells your product 24hrs a day, 7 days a week, complete with real time sales figures, demographics, metrics (this is worth a lot of $money, kids). And nothing is lost or stolen. NBC, CBS, FOX and the other cable networks all offer programming via iTunes for about $1.99 per episode, retail. And remember we (NBC) represent about 40% of the iTune videos sold!

So, what do you do?

(A) Renew the agreement and promote current offerings on your network.

(B) Ask for more money, maybe sharing some of the marketing costs.

(C) Accuse ipod owners and iTune users as being criminals and make DRM demands...oh and ask for a 100% increase in your 'cut'.

Well, this being Hollywood and the closest source of intelligence is La Jolla or San Jose, good decision making is never their strengths. So NBC wants to move its offerings to hulu.com (who?)

and charge above and beyond the usual $1.99...good luck. 99%+ of your market is familiar with the iTunes brand. Who's heard of Hulu.com? Up until a few months ago, it was a site hosting pics of some tech-guy's daughters and pets. I'm sure he got a $check out of the deal...so hats off to him.

The word of the day at NBC should be Bittorrent.

hulu.com...

http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://hulu.com/

You know...for kids!

'Kid Nation', a new bizarre television offering from the minds at CBS is already thinking about its second season. It seems Detroit is leading the pack of potential season two host locations. The show, takes about 40 children, ages 8 to 15, and places them in a 'ghost town' to see if they can build a 'working society' without the help of adults. The First season is hosted in a New Mexico.

The obvious advantages of using Detroit for season two are overwhelming. And if successful Detroit would have its first 'working society' for almost 40 years!

Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's office didn't offer any comments.

A penny for your thoughts...

Minneapolis, the 'city of lakes' seems to have a very active airport. Who would have guessed that there were connecting flights between Boise and Washington DC?! Ok, so Senator Craig got arrested for "disorderly conduct". Which in this case, he tapped his foot under another occupied stall in attempt to 'get it on' in the mens' room....with another man. He wasn't even in California! He wasn't even a Kennedy! What the fuk was he thinking!

So, a few weeks have gone by and not only does this guy look like a poof but he's also a pussy, for being in 'denial' of being at least bi-sexual.

Larry! You have one foot on the dock and your other on the boy..er..boat. Make up your mind.

Worth Billions

Chicago, IL-- Alan Sobcheck has what he calls a "real working crystal ball". He claims to have peered into the future and actually seen the day he will lose his viginity. The image conveyed to him from the "power of the ball" was unclear, "I couldnt see her face, but she was hot", says Mr. Sobcheck. He does have a feeling that it might be a girl he knows from the local "Dungens, Dragons and Elf magik shoppe".

We asked the Manager/owner of the 'magik shoppe', and he knows Mr. Sobcheck, but admits that he hasn't seen a girl in his shop since early 1995.

Voided the Warranty..

Ok, I've woken up with a headache or maybe a leg cramp. This guy, Fateh Mohammad, woke up with a lightbulb up his ass. The doctor treating Mr. Mohammad said he doubted the story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose. Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for "making liquor"(!), prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn't know the bulb was there..ok

The production of liquor is prohibited in this Muslim lands, but 'bulb surfing' is a time honored tradition that may actually reduce Mr. Mohammad's sentence, due to his popularity with the guards and fellow inmates.
For the obvious reasons, General Electric has "passed" on any potential marketing campaigns addressing this virtually unknown market.

Again with the Hippies...

LOS ANGELES - Workers began bulldozing a 14-acre urban garden Wednesday, and 10 protesters were arrested as they tried to stop the 'demolition'. Eight protesters broke into the site shortly afternoon and rushed the bulldozer. Some of the demonstrators climbed on but were forced down by security guards and arrested by police. For years, neighborhood residents grew vegetables and flowers on the site rent free. But they were evicted three weeks ago after the property's owner Ralph Horowitz told them he planned to build a warehouse on the land. And of course the hippies fuckin' freaked out. Even Daryl Hannah joined the hippie's cause. Hippies don't need warehouses...they need flowers and rent free living!

God, I hate hippies.

Well, Hey I'm here to help. It seems that the owner, Mr. Horowitz offered to sell most of this lot to the hippies for $16million. But, you know what? The hippies couldn't come up with the cash. yea, a real shocker. How many fucking dumb trinkets do these people have to sell to raise $16million? But hey! They don't have to! Here's an idea...

Pimp Daryl Hannah out! Figure about five 'dates' a day, six days a week and one day for rest and healing. I would bet that Ms. Hannah could command about $2000/date, including greek. And If she really turns the freak on, she'd get some good tips too! So, add that to the pile. that's about $240,000 a month. I'm sure Wells Fargo Bank would arrange some type of financing for this property. Not to mention the 'good-will' points Wells Fargo would earn with the community and the hippies. (Everybody loves happy hippies)

Then again...If Ms. Hannah's heart wasn't really behind the effort in 'saving' this garden, I'm sure the hippies would understand.
And then...if Ms. Hannah was really smart she would have paid a vist to Mr. Horowitz's home and made some type of 'non-conventional' arrangement.

"yea, I know she's a shiksa but that mouth is like silk!"

Did ya ever lose your keys?

This guy lost the top of his skull. Yea, It 'died' and just fell off.

So the next time your bitchin' about your tired feet, your sore peepee or something really dumb, just think about this fuckin' freak.

the story...

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060705/od_nm/india_skull1_dc;_ylt=Au5MOjbf2.bNhMRAJoVHncus0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3ODdxdHBhBHNlYwM5NjQ-

Somebody say Replacements??

Ok, So there is no saving Star Jones at The View. Who could replace such a talent? Somebody get Danny Rose on the phone! With every TV job opening the usual names and usual rejects get tossed about. And some of those rejects are dwarfs, like "Larry the party Dwarf from Middle Earth". When the ale starts flowing, even the Orcs can't keep up! no good?! We'll he'll work for beer and a few Hustler magizines.

Stimpy is too far out of the Price range. William Hung is too fucking wierd. Brak? Whats that?

No, for real star power they need to pull out the big guns..... Donald Trump's wig.

The Donald won't go anywhere without his wig, but the wig can do a two hour taping monday through thursdays, for a modest sum. It only asks for abosolute control, respect, a limo full of wet horny naked girls and a few merkins...oh and keep it away from any open flames.

The View is good..

New York-- As if we New Yorkers didn't need to be reminded that , well yes, the center of the fucking universe is New York, the recent developments at "The View" should be a kind reminder. Star Jones, a founding member of the show was asked, 'not to return', for the future seasons. In other words she was fired. I've only watched about ten minutes of "The View", and my first impression was, "what's fucking wrong with Star?!". She acted as if the whole world was mocking her. All the women on the panel were laughing and talking and Star had a really pissed look on her face...Like some one surfaced with pictures of her husband with an assortment of nude sweaty boys.
As a casual observer I wasn't too far off the mark. Audiences and the network describe Star as "passive-aggressive" and well, really boring to watch.

Star needs to get credit for losing all of that fucking fat. I mean, come on she looked like a fucking clown..a fat clown. And I don't care how many times Al Reynolds (the Mr. Star) says he's staright, too many people in New York say he's gay. Drivers, handlers, doormen, servicemen...you get the idea.. This guy loves the cock...

Yea, so Star is so full of herself..like Kathy Lee Gifford, another morning TV reject. Its pure TV Guide Schadenfreude, but I'll bet Star lands on her feet somewhere. The smart money says it won't be anywhere near FOX...maybe the WB..or radio..

Cinco de Mayo...

An imported holiday that is wraped around the consumption of alcohol and cheesey, spicy, crunchy fare. And don't forget the guacamole. What this has to do with taking up arms against the French is any one's guess. Frenchmen? We don't need any stinking Frenchmen!

...And 8 ball was his name-o...

WASHINGTON - Rep. Patrick Kennedy had another car crash yesterday, in the long proud Kennedy tradition. The accident however, didn't involve the death of a passenger, so he still has some progress to make "full Kennedy status".

His Physican Dr. Sanjur Rabb said that the amounts of cocaine perscribed to Mr. Kennedy were within the legal limits. After a series of gastro-infections, he was ordered to consume over 5 grams a day. The discomfort of the illness required a slightly higher dosage and the consumption of beer with a small marijuana 'support', to stimulate hunger.

Let that be a lesson...

After the Twizzlers and all of the chocolate cake, this kid just didn't see it coming.

A New Addition..

We won this great artwork, Urine Clown by Iji Kimmio. It took three days of furious offering on Ebay and $14,500, but hey, we had a bare wall by the PinBot machine... It just adds so much to the room.

$145,000 for a roll of toilet paper?

Yea, if you are lucky enough to live in Zimbabwe, a real first class shithole. Although it seems like alot of money for a paper roll its only about $0.69 in US Dollars. The country is suffering from hyperinflation, about 1000% per year. The smallest bill is the $500 note, the $20 (pictured) isn't made any more.If it was, you would need 7250 bills to purchase this paper roll...whats the point?! The maestro of this grand symphony of chaos is Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwe's 'president'.
The capital city, Harare, doesn't have clean water, because the water treatment plant is broken down, in need of parts and new equipment. They pull their water from the same lake that the sewers empty into, so cholera and dysentery has broken out all over the city. So, what happened?
Well, if we remember, Mugabe wanted the "white farmers" to give their land to the "Zimbabwe people". It was a big scam. The choice lands went to the political class. These 'white farmers' had been farming the land for generations, building up vast knowledge in farming and food production. Zimbabwe used to actually export food to other areas of Africa. Well...the white farmers left, moving to neighboring countries, taking their families, knowlege and money with them.
And in February the govt. said that they had paid back the International Monetary Fund's $221,000,000 USD debt, that was in arrears. If they didn't, Zimbabwe's membership would be threatened. Mugabe did this by printing over $21 trillion Zimbabwe dollars, to purchase the US currency, to cover the debt.
Who in their fucking mind would want to loan this moron money?

yea..

I knew someone out there would come around.

A Shmoo

A shmoo (noun:SH- MOO) is a fictional cartoon creature that is shaped like a plump bowling pin with legs, but no arms. They reproduce asexually, and are very prolific. They like to be eaten.
Shmoos are tasty, and are so eager to be eaten that if they are looked at by someone who is hungry they will gladly jump into a frying pan. Naturally gentle and docile, they require minimal care, and are ideal playmates for young children and retarded people.

$100 Oil?... Who cares?

Midland, Texas--At the American Petrolieum Institute, a off campus petro-chemistry department of the University of Texas, is preparing a symposium on using america's waste as a source of energy. Animal waste and household waste isn't being discussed but instead the waste of the American social landscape-Hipsters, Hippies, Emos and other social blights.

Professor Jerry Nutt from the API said, "The use of these freaks won't solve our oil dependency problems, but may serve as a stopgap or pressure valve to let some some air out of these high oil prices". To further explain the program, Dr. Nutt said, "The target person(s) would be teased with free black lipsticks, black fingernail polish and eyeliner, Von Dutch caps, Louis Vuitton bags (fake-of course), free Grateful Dead t-shirts, gourmet bong water and etc., knocked on the head and tossed into the 'rendering vats', where under extreme heat and pressure are 'cracked' into various oils and light fuels.

The 'emos' seem to release the most SOEU, Social Outcast Energy Units, and hence more valuable. Nobody know why, but it may have something to do with their Shmoo-like nature. Since all future rendering facilities will be paying a premium for all 'emo deliveries' their apprehension would become a top priorty. The emo kid now has reason to cry.

CNBC drama..

Fort Lee, NJ--Mad Money host and CNBC big shot, James Cramer, is reportably investing some of his valuable time with, Mindy Barnes, one of the "BooYaa" girls.

An anonymous member of the CNBC staff has said that, "yea, he's boning her. We thought it was some fat guy in drag-that's how ugly she was, but nope. She's a she. And Mr. Cramer likes em' that way- big and fruity".

Television analyst Robert Krump said, "the show will survive a scandle like this, as long as the girl is of age and is actually a girl. Mad Money makes mad amounts of money for CNBC. They have made some changes that can already been seen; lavish sets, new hair plugs, lots of new AV and computer equipment, sound effects and higher production values."

I'd eat a mile of...

David Blaine, master magician and master of 'self promotion' has devised his most challenging trick to date. On July 4 2006, in Staten Island, Mr. Blaine will consume one mile of poop.

Many of the past 'stunts' were those that involved the "lack of something", air, food, water, suspense and etc. This new stunt will require him to actually eat 5280 feet or approxamately 1850 pounds of dog shit in less than one week. Mr. Blaine's manager, Zack Miller, said that " the world will once again be amazed by the concentration and superhuman focus of David's energies". When asked about the English response to Mr. Blain's last stunt, 'Above the Below', where he was suspended about 30 feet in the air, enclosed in a glass case, recieving no food only water, Mr. Miller said, "the English were cruel and dim for not understanding David's genius".

Dr. William Hipple said that " the human consumption of over a thousand pounds of fecal matter would cause the body to enter septic shock and then probably death. The human digestive system wasn't designed to consume poop". (hence the reason TGI Fridays is almost out of business)