Gallo Genius

New York, NY--Multi-talented performer and self proclaimed ubergenius Vincent Gallo, 43, has a new film debueting at the Sun Valley Film Festival next month, "Andy Yank". It promises to be more contriversal and disturbing than Mr. Gallo's last film, "Brown Bunny". Brown Bunny was a five minute blowjob scene with Chloe Sevigny doing the suckling. Even though Roger Ebert said that it was "the worst movie at Cannes", it still did some business. Chloe Sevigny working a knob with her mouth sells tickets!

'Andy Yank' is a film written, directed and staring Mr. Gallo. It's based on the Andy Yankovich story, where in brooklyn 1962, a young and viciously disturbed man had locked and barricaded himself in an apartment, filling his days with drinking vast amounts of booze, chronic masturbation, self fellatio, dreaming of bizarre sexual fantasies and eventually a grizzly murder. "Its a film only a genius would make." says Terry Yolk, Mr. Gallo's agent. "His craft will stun the world. And Vincent really did his own self-fellatio scenes. He didn't use any of that ILM crap. This is real movie making. Sam Peckinpah would be proud!"

When Peckinpah was making "Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia", I don't think its the same 'head' that Mr. Gallo seems preoccupied with.

NASDAQ: SHRP

New York ,NY-- Nothing pisses me off more than a really stupid commericals. For those that do not live in the USA, our television is spiked with commericals, touting the benifits of buying really dumb, useless and overpriced crap. I was watching Spongebob and Patrick get into their usual adventures one afternoon, when Sharper Image Inc. came on the television with a three or four minuite advertisement. It was an ad explaining the advantages of buying the "Ionic Breeze" for my home or auto. This is where they lost me. Jgonzz, our editor, earns enough money from the Zamboni business (also comic book sales on Ebay) to purchase pretty much what he wants, including the new GI Joe with the kung Fu grip. I do not, however, own an Ionic breeze. And I haven't figured out why I would need one. These things cost about $500! Do you know how many Asisn hookers that buys?!

I have never heard of an 'air cleaner' for a car. I would think that opening the window or moonroof would do the trick.

I would never buy an 'ionic breeze'. First of all I know what an Ion is. Its similar to a Neutrino. A million could cruise right through your forehead and you'd never know it. So why is this thing called an 'Ionic Breeze"? Somebody thought the name sounded cool. Other suggestions.."Staten Island Breeze, Sweaty Turkish Armpit Breeze, Uranus Breeze, Iron Pyrate Breeze, garbage disposal goo breeze", you get the idea.

An Ionic Breeze for the car? Is this more efficent than opening a window? I doubt it. It sounds like old fashioned snake oil to me. I think Sharper Image is going to crash, right into the ground. And they wish to sell as many of these 'ionic' things as possible.

A lesson in Ions...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ion

And If you wish to purchase one of these dumb things...

http://www.sharperimage.com/us/en/catalog/productview/sku=SI861SNX/hppos=1

Good Morning Dubai...!!

DUBAI, United Arab Emirates-- There has been alot of talk about Michael jackson moving to Dubai. Our sources tell us that the ' gloved one' wishes to move overseas because American boys have become 'too fat'. "Mr. Jackson prefers boys that have a moderate amount of muscle tone." says an unamed source. " American boys have gotten too fat playing 'x-box' and sitting on the couch all day."
The UAE has a very strict list of studdies and exercises for all students. The boys must undergo a regimen of physical exhaustion, prior to moving to the next grade. It is this physical examination that brings Mr. Jackson to Dubai.
"Dubai forces their young boys to exercise towards the extreme" says Mr. Aonymous. " It is these young tan muscles that bring Mr. Jackson to the table."
Our source expressed interest in finding another job, because he thought it was only a 'matter of time' before Mr.Jackson was caught in the arms of a boy. " He loves the taste of young boys. Period...!" said our source.
He finished by saying, " I hope he knows what he's doing..because if they(Dubai govt) catches him in with a boy, they'll cut his fucking head off..! They don't care how much his gay petter-ass is worth."

Deutschland erwache

What ever happened to Germany? If anyone has a casual interest in history and has read a book or two, it’s hard to find a subject that hasn’t been affected by German hands. WWI yea, they lost. WW II, lost again. It’s befitting because they started the whole fucking war. Losing sucks. But let’s face it. It was for the best. So back to the original question, what happened to Germany?

Well, It still has the third largest economy, only behind the US and Japan. And they are the world largest exporter. But the German economy is keeping warm on the embers of its economic past. The great economy is now called the ‘sick man of Europe.” Jobs are gushing out of the country. The newly formed states in the east are hungry for investment and job creation. The red tape is light, compared to that of Germany or France. And France’s greatest industry is the production of ‘red tape’, 3M’s greatest competitor.

Direct investment from the US was about $3.5 billion, while direct investment to the US from Germany was about $21 Billion. Listen kids, when your homegrown capital markets find greener fields in foreign lands, producing such an odd ratio, it should gain anyone’s attention, like a crying shrieking baby on an overbooked overseas flight. And why are these German fields not worth plowing? Like a field of blade breaking stones, Labor's quest for power is to blame. The Labor movements in Germany have evolved into a quasi-communist, socialist force. This force doesn’t care about the ‘state’ but only of its political power. It's become a heavy stone around the neck of the state. The problem is that the harder labor tightens its grip on the German economy, the more jobs leave to points east. Its becoming less of a grip and more of a grasp. Germans have become fat, lazy and french. Six weeks paid vacations and vast non-cash benefits are driving the Germany’s economic future into the arms of another. The growth rate is already about zero. And the unemployment rate is about 6 million, that about 10%! What qualities did German labor adopt over the last thirty years? Idleness, sluggishness, ambling, slothful, lackadaisical, over priced and a few more to be sure. Are these the qualities that made Bosch? Krupp?

Martin Luther, Goethe, Bach, Beethoven, Durer, Kepler, Planck, Hertz, Leibniz, Bosch, Siemens, Diesel, Daimler and yes, Benz, have been dead for many years. Where are the Germans that are to replace them? Continue their works? Germany has become a population of ‘also-rans’, claiming some sort of victory while clutching a 3rd place ribbon. Gerhard Schroder has done a good job fucking the country up, wasting its talents or selling them for pennies on the dollar. I would have said Deutschmark, but even that’s fucking gone too!

Will Ms. Merkel do what needs to be done? Who knows? But what I do know, is that Schroder and Chirac need to be kicked out of Berlin.

Route for sale

Chicago,IL--Local businessman, Cecil Matthews, 46, is looking forward to retiring in South Carolina and want's the public to know that his profitable 'routes' are available for sale.
Mr. Matthews, a graduate of Chicago's Kellogg School of Management, started his career as a consultant at the CBOE, but found the hours long and the pay low. "I had all these degrees and not enough money to pay off all my college loans. So I figured I had to become an entrepreneur of some kind, but I didn't know what..you know? So after a few weeks of narrowing my fields down, I decided to become a pimp." says Mr. Matthews "It was hard at first. Girls freaking out on drugs, getting cut up by freaked out tricks, pussy infections, police looking for payments, other pimps looking to steal my girls or my clients..shit! I didn't know it was gonna' be this fuckin' hard! know what I mean? Well, after a few years and lots of hard life lessons, I figured it all out. I was making a comfortable six figure income. Well now, I'm looking to retire. I bought a house in South Carolina, so I need to sell my business."

The buyer would get about twenty five high quality girls that 'love fucking' and that range in age from 17 to 38. Of this group, four are Asian girls, all under 20, and under contract for at least another three years. Also included in the sale is a 1976 DeVille, with aftermarket installed ice machine. "When you are pimping in these long hot summer nights, one has got to stay cool..frosty. So, I had this ice machine installed, because I love my gin n' juice, but it gotsta' have ice." said Mr. Matthews. Also included is two pallets of condoms and about 15 cases of penicillin.

All records of payment and employee records available upon request. Any interested persons should request information from Mr. Matthews' solicitor at the following address..

Daley & Assoc.
121 N La Salle Suite 507
Chicago, IL 60602

Say it ain't so Po..!

Washingtion,DC-- In a series of questions from reporters yesterday at the White House, Donald Rumsfeld couldn't explain how the American arsenal of powerful psychics couldn't warn authorities of the destruction of New Orleans, in the wake of hurricane Katrina. "We are reviewing all communications, including emails from all members of the Psychic branch of the military." Said Mr. Rumsfeld. "We weren't surprised about Ms. Cleo. In my opinion she's useless. But even Po (of Telletubby fame) failed to 'see anything'! This was a shock to many of us."

A spokesperson from John Edwards, host of 'Crossing Over' on the Sci-Fi Network, called our office and offered an explaination. "Earlier this year Mr. Edwards proclaimed that there would be a series of strong storms hitting Florida and the surrounding area." said the spokesperson. "Mr. Edwards was on vacation in Bora Bora when hurricane Katrina became an issue. Since he was on the otherside of the world, he couldn't be expected to perceive anything, because all of his psychic powers would have been weakened due to the great distance. And there is alot of negative energy between Florida and Bora Bora. It would have been impossible."

When we heard of Mr. Edward's excuse for failure, we offered another question to his spokesperson. Last December Mr. Edwards claimed to forsee the Tsunami disaster in Indonesia. Wasn't Indonesia on the otherside of the world of Mr. Edwards when he made this claim? Is Mr. Edwards simply loosing his power? The spokesperson offered no explanation but did promise to contact us with an update.

Thousands dead or missing. An entire city in ruins. Billions in property damage. New Orleans wasn't called by one single psychic. How can the Untited States be expected to protect its assets and citizens when our first line of defence is proving to be so powerless?

Third Reich Fashion

New York-- Many of the world's greatest fashion designers have often wondered how the Nazi's lost the war, when, even to the untrained eye, their fashion technologies and designs were far superior. "The allies weren't very fashion conscious" says, Prof. Ira Scott, chief currator of the Fashion Museum of New York. "Many in the fashion community had lobbied congress, prior to the US entering the war, offering ideas of good designs, colors and fabrics. These calls landed on deaf ears, because you can see what we got-olive green. Everything was olive green!" Jean Paul Gaultier has said that "green is good for the frogs, not for dressing a modern man."

Anyone who has purchsed a good trenchcoat($1500+) should know that the 'air flow' design(s) and the drape like features were designed by top secret Fashion Regiments of the Third Reich. Karl Lagerfeld, german born designer and known for being flaky and obnoxiously gay, said "These grand men of the Reich, they had color, form, fine cuts and strong masculine lines. Even today I see these strong young men, draped in black leather, complete with the Iron Cross, It makes me proud to be a German..also it makes me moist".

Isaac Mizrahi, an American designer, has offered the idea, seen as blasphemous in the fashion community, that the way an army looks isn't as important as it fights. "I'm sure they had some beautifully crafted leather coats, but they won't stop a bullet, right? I mean some of these pieces are wonderful, but they were creeps(nazis), well tailored creeps. Fortunately their fashion superiorty couldn't carry the day (save them)."

The debate continues...

Kansan outsources Wife...

Kansas City, KS-- Brilliant tax accountant and Washburn University graduate (95'), Warren Smyth, 34, found and exploited a valuable Federal Tax loophole. "I was working late one night, a few years ago and after a series of footnotes and boring essays, I realized something odd in my tax journals. If I outsourced my wife, to three, maybe four women or more over a 360 day period, I could claim all of them as dependants, lowering my taxable income." recalls Mr. Smyth. "I would need a maid, gardener, sexual surrogate, asian schoolgirl (bukkake ninja), emotional confidant, slave, cheerleader, neighborhood slamhound and various other helpers."

"We weren't so sure if this whole thing that Mr. Smyth was advocating was legal." says, Amy Grome, case officer for the IRS. "There is a set of rules that do exist under section 3504. (Pub. L. 94-455, title XIX, Sec. 1906(b)(13)(A), 90 Stat 1868) The idea behind the rule, was that women were needed to work after the Civil War to not only help rebuild the infrastructure but basic industries as well. Tax reciepts for the nation were critically low. So, if a man could utilize a surrogate or maybe ten, it would be good for the economy, and thus an increase in the tax reciepts generated by our department. Its obviously outdated (the rule), but its still on the books. The only question our department had concerning Mr. Smyth method's was his use of a 'bukkake ninja'. We can't find this occupation in any of our databases."

Mr. Smyth isn't offering any advice concerning his new method(s) of tax avoidance. He plans to have a book available this fall, published by Harvard Press.

Mr. Smyth's new book, Hallelujah!, to be availabe here...

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0131859236/qid=1125705880/br=1-5/ref=br_lf_b_5//103-2853572-9094219?v=glance&s=books&n=2537

Chicken Exit

Farmingdale,NY--For the second time in one week, a person has died from injuries suffered at the Adventureland amusement park. This latest accident involved a 45-year-old woman that was thrown from a ride into a nearby parking lot! "Of course she had the asphalt to soften her landing" said Alex Anders, Adventureland General Mgr. "We in the Adventureland Family wish to offer our heartfelt condolences. We will provide the deceased's family a full refund of the parking fee and also a '90 day funpass' that can be used at any Adventureland Fun Parks across the USA."

This accident follows a death of a park employee, Stephen Gary, an 18-year-old from North Babylon, two days ago. He suffered massive internal injuries after being struck by the Lady Bug Roller Coaster, a ride designed for children. New Yorker's may remember that Mr. Anders offered 'heartfelt condolences' and an explaination that it was an instance of 'natural selection'. Adventureland officals argued that Mr. Gary was an 'D-' student, not bound for any accredited four year university and was perhaps still a virgin. "Thining the herd is an act of god." said Mr. Anders. "Adventureland, Adventureland Properties, Adventureland Industries and its parent company Gulf + Western Oil, inc, have no responsibility for the action, actions or inaction of god or any of his assigned agents."

When confronted with the facts that Adventureland's latest victim was a mother and a university graduate, hence a valuable member of society, Mr. Anders offered no response. But offered that lawyers for Adventureland would craft a document to respond to its latest death.

So, next time you are in the NYC area, you might wan't to stay the fuk away from...
http://www.adventureland.us/

A Super Giant

Upon reflection, we at the WSPO began to think,"just how big is Star Jones' um..star?" She is on a 'hit' TV show that none of our friends watch, but we hear it's a 'big deal'. Ms. Jones' has developed a 'signature collection' of wigs that are very popular with prostitutes and homosexual transvestites. The "You Go Girl!" collection is a strong seller.

Ms. Jones may have made a few bucks selling ad space and access to her wedding. For some reason advertisers thought it would be a good idea (and in good taste) to advertise at someone's wedding. We gather here so that these two may join in marrige, but first a few words from Pepsi...In the future, family members that suffer the loss of a loved one, could recoup some of the funeral costs, if they sold some advertising space on the casket, like NASCAR.

If you were so lucky to attend the wedding, you no doubt were amazed by the bountiful "goody bag". It contained such traditional items as; a Bally's one year membership, a pair of Payless shoes, a can of taint freshener from Johnson Wax, Lancome Resurface Peel Treatment, Takeouts! (silicone bra inserts), a Mario Pinball Land game and a Game Boy handheld.

So, how big is this Star? From the looks of it she's big. And only gettin' bigger.

Wigsite..http://www.especiallyyours.com/dept.asp?dept_id=113&mscssid=&adsrc=

Wedding-goodybag site..http://www.starandal.com

Ode to a Tart

New York,NY-- As hurricane Katrina was over New Orleans, tragedy struck the upper east side today, as hurricane Spalding formed and proceeded to destroy property and injure no less than 300 people. It began when Star Jones and Rosie O' Donnell both demanded the last remaining Strawberry Tart, from world famous restaurant and purveyor of desserts-Payard.

Payard Patisserie, located at 74th and Lexington Ave., has a wide variaty of assorted cakes, tarts and desserts.(Many of the WSPO staff have been banned from Payard, since the 'June 17th incident'. This concerned a seires of misunderstandings and bizarre events involving chocolate, carrot cakes and a sugar induced rage, followed by brief periods of 'after meal napping'.) Their Strawberry Tart is a signature item, and often sold out. "It was crazy, loco" says Louis, an employee at Payard. "They were yelling and knocking things over, I had to cover my ears. We were all scared. After a few moments of pushing, shoving and pulling of hair, Mrs. Jones exhaled a massive belch of hot air or gas, throwing Ms. O'Donnell out the door and across the street, busting out all of our windows, flipping over a few parked cars and damaging three taxis. I thought 'oh, that killed that irish lady', but she came right back! It was like lightning and thunder in here, so I ran a jumped behind the Hobart!"

Lexington Ave. was littered with debris, broken glass, damaged cars, even a few missing or bent manhole covers and the injured. "It was like a freakin' bomb went off!" says Scott Bishop, of the NYPD. "We had alot of injuries. We had injuries all the way near First Ave! All because these two bitches couldn't work out an agreement over a cupcake!?"

Well, actually it was a tart. And obviously they couldn't work things out. So, some innocents got injured. These are two big Hollywood stars. They can't be bothered to care, they have staffers or interns to do that sort of thing.

The Red Cross and various state emergency agencies were on the scene within a few hours to help with the injured, dazed and newly homeless. Mayor Bloomberg says it may take the city at least two years to rebuild.

Represenatives for Mrs. Jones and Ms. O'Donnell didn't return our calls for this story.

If you are in the NY area sometime next year, they should be reopened...

http://www.payard.com/manhattan/

Chinese stealing things..again

Lance Armstrong, seven time Tour de France winner(some writers have begun calling it the Tour de Lance), cancer surviver (he had his right testicle removed and two brain lesions.) and a world famous Texan, has had a small problem with his foundation, the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Its agenda is to raise money to fund the research necessary to fight and one day defeat cancer, to support cancer victims and survivors and to raise awareness . One of its most successful fund raising initaives was the marketing of the "Live Strong" wristband at a price of $1. As of May 2005, over 50 million Livestrong wristbands have been sold, raising tens of millions for Mr. Armstrong's foundation. So..what's the problem?

Six people have pleaded guilty to charges connected to the sale of thousands of phony LiveStrong wristbands and have turned over $100,000 to the Lance Armstrong Foundation, Attorney General Eliot Spitzer's office said Monday. In March, undercover investigators bought 1,000 of the counterfeit wristbands from a Manhattan storefront (for those that don't know New York, this means "Chinatown", Canal street). Investigators said they found 81,000 more in storage and at a home in Queens. Authorities said importer Eastlink International Inc. distributed the wristbands to retailers around New York City. They are; Li Ping Liang Chen, Su Qin Weng, Wei Hua Chen, Su Ping Qu and Xi Chen. (Phew..!) We got enough here to add a few miles of track to the Union Pacific! Somebody call Tommy Durant!*

Can't a guy raise a few bucks to help save some lives without someone trying to generate or steal a 'break off'? Have you ever seen a little kid fighting for his life, against cancer? If you have, then you'd want to drop these scumbags in a giant "in-sink-erator". All we gotta' do is build it..

(*) For those who aren't familiar with T. Durant (the original scamartist)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/historic_figures/durant_thomas_clark.shtml

I always miss the good deals..

In the folder lebeled...

"I'm so desperate for media attention that I'm willing to meet this asshole" added another entry when Jesse Jackson met with Hugo Chavez in Venezuela. The U.S. civil rights leader condemned last week's suggestion by Pat Robertson, an old religious cracker, that American agents should kill the leftist Venezuelan leader, calling the conservative commentator's statements "immoral" and "illegal." Pat Robertson has about as much political power as Jesse Jackson, not enough to run a 5000BTU air conditioner. The last time Jesse ran for the US presidency he generated 0.00 electorial votes, which was the same as me..and I didn't even fucking run.

This Chavez guy is a "Castro-want-a-be". He doesn't have Castro's political mind or charisma, but Venezuela has oil. That means money. Dollars. Real ones, not those stupid worthless "Cuban Peso's" that even cab drivers in Havana don't accept.

So, why is Jesse meeting this guy? We're sure money is involved, Rainbow PUSH coalition could use a few dollars. And the event is recorded by the international media, a plus. Even though Jesse is getting money from his savy theft of the "River North distributorship", a Anheuser-Busch beer distributor, his political causes must eat up alot of cash.
So, how does Jesse's visit to Venezuela help exploited poverty stricken black Americans?

That New York Magic

New York--A New York woman told NYPD that while she was riding the R Train, about 3pm, a man was 'touching' himself. As the woman's photograph shows, he isn't actually touching himself, but in fact pumping his 'unit', utilizing an unusual grip, identifed by one of the WSPO staff as variation of the "Capablanca-Morphy" reversed.

This idiot-pervert has about a 0.0000013% chance of NOT being recognized and arrested. He looks like someone that works in sales or probably a lawyer.

The WSPO added the 'smiley' to the woman's picture, because we don't want any nudity on our site. And If we did approve nudity, it wouldn't be of some guy's junk.

The woman's account and pictures...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/94886948@N00/35501732/in/photostream/

Norwood Type VI

Hollywood--Jeremy Piven, performer in such films as PCU, Grosse Point Blank, Black Hawk Down, Old School and the HBO series The Entourage, has taken a long and rough road to achieve his current star status. This road has gone through numerous offices of plastic and reconstructive surgeons. "Jeremy doesn't make any bones about it. He is very happy with the results that he has seen over the last three years, concerning his hair." said Carl Breese, a longtime friend of Mr. Piven. "He's had about six operations, in an effort to rebuild his thinning hairline. The first few times were disastrous. Jeremy wouldn't leave his house without a cap or a paper bag. He spent over $15,000 to get the "Steven Wright" look. And Mr. Wright's hair makes him look like a fucking clown. Because they used most of Jeremy's available 'donor hair' for the first two procedures, they needed to find another source. So, somebody contacted 'George' to provide some of his back hair, to affix to Jeremy's scalp".

George 'The Animal' Steele was a well known professional wrestler in the early to late 80's, even appearing in the Johnny Depp film, Ed Wood, in 1994. Mr. Steel was contracted to provide at least 15 cm/2 of hair for Mr. Piven, for an undisclosed amount of cash. It took four procedures and alot of George's hair to get Mr. Piven's head straight. "This last procedure will be Jeremy's last, I think." says, Mr. Breese "If Jeremy needs to have yet more procedures in the future, he can't use George anymore. He's all tapped out. Jeremy will have to contact one of the Muppets or something." We'll keep our fingers crossed, at least for Animal's sake.

Ándale! Ándale!...Arriba! Arriba!

Tallahassee, FL-- The NCAA will allow Florida State to use its "Seminoles" nickname in postseason play, removing the school from a list of colleges with Native American nicknames that were restricted by an NCAA decision earlier this month. The NCAA recently said it would prohibit teams from using mascots the NCAA has deemed "hostile and abusive" in its postseason tournaments. Who determines what is 'hostile and abusive', society at large or the self appointed officers of the nation's leftist Thought Police? Many sports prefer to 'sit on the fence' with this issue. (Jgonzz isn't a sportswriter. He is a Zamboni mechanic by profession and an asshole by reputation) If a group told me that my team's name was offensive to their senses, I would calmly listen to their gripes and then I would tell them to go fuck themselves, like a cheap squaw. And if they needed it, I would put it in writing, on letterhead. If your mascot was a 'hostile' indian, BUT was also a homosexual transexual anti-Bush Naturalist vegetiarian black panther soldier that sang the praises of PETA and the ACLU, it would be untouchable..sacrosanct.
Are we to turn the Kansas City Chiefs into the Kansas City Reds? Browns? Greens? Trees? Woodchucks? Cornhusks? Sunflowers? Flaming beehives? Fuck that! If you think that the name 'Chief' is offensive, then too bad.

When I was a kid, I vaguely remember the Frito Bandito. It was a cartoon character that was a mexican bandit, a bit like Speedy Gonzales, drawn by Tex Avery and voiced by Mel Blanc. The Bandito didn't steal money. He stole Frito corn chips. It was killed in the early 1970's after getting pressue from the "National Mexican-American Anti-Defamation Committee" (who ever the fuck these guys are..) I'm Mexican, at least that's what my dad tells me. And I know he's at least 100% Mexican, (he's been in the US since the 1950's and still eats tortillas with his breakfast, for fucking sakes!) so I'm a least 50%, right? And I wan't the Bandito to come back. There ain't nothing wrong with him. Anyone that 'feels' violated by a mascot needs to watch more Jerry Springer. Or maybe get a job. Or maybe get a life.

When you concentrate on the stupid little irrelevant stuff in life, the really important things slip on by.

When Harry...

Central Park,NY--While walking through Central Park yesterday we caught a glimse of some of that Hollywood movie magic. They were filming When Harry met Sally II, staring Ashton Kutcher and Michael Moore. The plotline is something like this, 'Harry wants to go to Iraq and fight, but Sally want's him to stay and will convince her battle hungry man to remain state side through the power of love'. They are to be very demanding roles for both actors. Mr.Kutcher's character has dialog that include words that have in excess of three syllables. And Mr. Moore doesn't like being seen in one of his signature muumuus.

In theatres for Christmas...

Codename...Dragonfly

Washington, DC-- In response to the news that terrorists may attempt surveillance disguised as the homeless, shoeshiners, street vendors or street sweepers, the FBI has sprung to action. An elite core of FBI recruits has been cherry picked for this latest and most important of assignments. "We'll beat them at their own game." said an anonymous agent. "The terrorists are acting like homeless people. The FBI went the extra mile and actually hired these new agents off the street. And I do mean off the street."

We at the WSPO were confused (more than usual) about the FBI's latest hiring drive. Living in NYC, one quickly learns that many of the homeless are drug addicts and severe paranoid schizophrenics. The recipe for a useless, worthless and dangerous agent. "Useless? We don't think so. And they work really cheap too." said Anonymous. "One of our new guys, his name is Oat Willie, everybody around the neighborhood knows him. So, they would never suspect him. He slogs around, draging bags of trash and stinks of severe diarrhea. And he works for doughnuts, coffee and bags of circus peanuts, really cheap."

After a few more questions, our anonymous source said that the only data collected from agents such as Mr. Willie, so far, has consisted of pidgeons, dog poop, smelly dog butts and other assorted pidgeon facts and figures.

Mr. T is here too..

Glenndale,CA-- Father Peter O' Connor has complained about his 'haunted' graveyard for years and only recently has taken action . The graveyard isn't haunted by the dead burried there, but by many of Hollywood's famous stars, who's careers have died. "Woopi Goldberg, MC Hammer, Chevy Chase and of course Andrew McCarthy, they are all here." said Father O' Conner. "I'm not sure why they are here, except that we are only a few miles from many major studios, in the Los Angeles area. Its very odd to say the least." It was about five years ago, when Father O' Conner was walking through part of the graveyard to take a shortcut to the parking lot. It was on this night that he came face to face with the ghost of Anthony Michael Hall's career. "The ghost was confused and sad. It mentioned something about a film..A Gnome Named Gnorm. And then it let out a ghastly moan.It said that it wasted many good years on bullshit roles." But a few years later when Mr. Hall recieved a re-occuring role on a popular TV show, The Dead Zone. (oddly enough) "It disappeared after that" Said, Father O' Conner. "except by then I also had Rob Lowe and Ally Sheedy. We had many of the 'Breakfast Club' kids here."

"We called the stars themselves, to come claim these 'career ghosts'. Many of them didn't bother coming over, maybe because of the travel costs. But if MC Hammer could find the money to come over, (we know he could spare the time), anyone of these ex-stars should be able to as well. It was sad. Hammer's ghost was hiding behind some of the bigger tombstones, refusing to come out and telling Hammer that is was the 'fuckin Taco Bell ads' that did the killing and 'our stupid gay-genie' pants." said Father O' Conner. To move things forward, Father O'Conner has offered airfare to some 'stars' like Andrew McCarthy, to 'come collect' your career's ghost. Mr. McCarthy said that he has started doing the stage version of "North Dallas Forty" at the "Mr. Bojangle's Dinner Theatre" in Pocatello, ID. And he expressed optimism that such an event would 'kick start' his career.

We at the WSPO would advise Mr. McCarthy to take the airfare and come get your career, because you haven't used it for years.