CIA Files

Washingtion, DC--The Washingtion Post will report tommorow that a secret CIA file exists detailing the plans, methods and contingencies for the invasion of Alaska. "Alaska was a rich target. Lots of land, wide open spaces, beautiful. The tree huggers would have loved it!" says, an anonymous source from within the Pentagon. " What was there? Inuit? Caribou? These would be no match for our boys." An early morning meeting was called to plan for action, operation "Snow Hawk". Some were worried of a potential Russian involvement, its only a few miles accross the Bering Strait. "Alaska is already American daddy!" said Nicole M., daughter of a high level military attache' and follower of 'take your daughter to work day', "I think we bought it from the Russians!". The meeting was then sent into chaos. "Who's fucking running this thing..us or Pollyanna here..!?" said a highly decorated commander, according to Anonymous. At this time an Admiral seemed to recall that he did have an Ohio class submarine under his command called the USS Alaska. Frantic calls were made for confirmation. A Bush political consultant was called and informed all that yes, Alaska was already a part of the United States, the 49th state he thought. More importantly, Bush carried the state in the last electon, by over 60% so we should "leave it the fuck alone".