PWE

I was feeling a little blue one week, tired and sluggish. So a freind, who works as a chemist at a major phamacutical company, fed-ex'd me a bottle of pills that he said would, 'straighten you out'. Well, I had the pills for about a week before I decided to actually take them. I had given up on feeling tired and worn out all the time. So I removed the bottle from the Fed-ex box and removed the bubble wrap. And inside was a plastic tube, like a small tennis ball container, full of chubby snow white tablets. Stuffed in the box was a handwritten note from my friend, on company letterhead. It read, "Jgonzz follow directions and crush and destroy bottle when finished." I looked at the bottle's label and directions. It read,"PWE, take one pill per day, NOT for Asians or Protestants". I laughed and thought that this must be some type of fucking joke. So I called my friend and asked about the label's terms and he said that they were real pills and that as far as he knew the label's warning was genuine. I thought about it. I wasn't Asian. And as far as I knew, I wasn't a Protestant. So everything should be fine. After my shower, I combed my hair, brushed my teeth and took my first pill and then went to sleep.

The following morning I didn't feel any different. What a ripoff, I thought. I was still sleepy but I didn't feel so sluggish. I made it through the whole day without really being tired. So I felt that the pill was already working its magic. That nite I took my second pill and went to bed. The following morning I felt wide awake, really awake. The problem was that, it was only 5am. I couldn't force myself to go back to sleep, so I decided to start the day a little earlier than normal. While I was at work, I seemed to get more done in the day than usual. I made alot more cold calls and generated a few more trades from my clients. When I went home, I didn't feel tired at all. I felt like a cyborg after a tuneup and an oil change. That nite, I decided to clean my apartment. I swept the floors, cleaned the windows, did a load of laundry and didn't get really get tired until almost midnite. So, after my apartment was cleaned and my towels were folded, I took my pill and went to bed.

I continued to take the pills for over two months. I was going to bed at 10pm and waking up at about 4am and would arrive at my desk at 6am. I would often work till 6pm or 7pm, and get a tremendous amount of work done. I was doing more business and making more commissions, so I was feeling great. I wasn't feeling tired or sluggish like I used to, but in fact I felt the opposite. I felt electric.

It was about this time my friend called me and told me to 'flush the pills and destroy the bottle'. I was shocked! I told him that I was feeling great. And I didn't feel any side effects. He said in a hushed tone that the Government had shut down the entire project and that "they came in, confiscated all of our equipment, computers, written notes and all of our pill supplies". And with that he hung up. I only had half a bottle remaining and I wasn't about to flush these things down the toilet, fuck that.

About a week later, after work, I came home and noticed that something wasn't right. I had a feeling that someone was in my apartment. I looked around and checked every room and closet. Everything looked normal and undisturbed. After loading the dishwasher and getting ready for bed, I went to take another of my dwindling supply of pills. But the pills were gone! What the fuck!? I looked all over my apartment, through drawers, cabinets, even the trash can and came up empty. Bottles of pills, as a general rule, don't get up and walk away. Someone has to take them. I checked my windows and they were all locked up. And I remembered that when I came home It was necessary to unlock my door. The door looked good, no scratches or damage. I was really pissed, confused and tired. So after a few hours of TV I fell asleep.

At about 2am my phone rang. I didn't want to answer it, but the fucking thing kept ringing and ringing. I reluctantly picked up the reciever and forced out a 'hello'. I didn't hear anything on the otherside, so I was about to hang up, then I heard a male voice,"hey!" I asked, "who is this?" The voice said, "you think you are so fucking smart..didn't you?!" I'm thinking that this guy is an ex-boyfriend of some girl I dated almost a year ago. So I said, "asshole..she ain't here. I haven't seen her in over a year, get a life, move on..go suck a dick and leave me the fuck alone." The voice answered, "I'm not talking about some ugly bitch you fucked, you fat moron. I'm talking about your little pill stash". And I could hear in the caller's background what sounded like a freezer bag full of pills. This guy now had my undivided attention. I yelled, "you broke into my apartment and stole my pills..didn't you!?" "I didn't steal anything", the voice said."We had orders and a warrant." "We"? I asked. "What are you a cop?" He said that he was a federal agent, but didn't specify the agency. What kind of agent was this guy? He answered, "the kind that doesn't answer questions". And then he said that, "you are lucky that we didn't arrest you for having these things, strong stuff, dangerous stuff, could ruin the country and a controlled substance too." I asked, "well what is PWE? cocaine? PCP? I never felt like I was druged up". He took a moment to swallow what sounded like a one in a long series of Iced bourbons. "You took this shit and didn't even know what it was? Now, I know that you are a fucking idiot!" I replied, "well, no. I didn't know what it was, but I felt great..." The agent interrupted me by saying, with a slight slur in his speech, "It made you work like a dog didn't it? heh? Made you want to get things done. The very thought of procrastinating couldn't be entertained. You felt like a freshly tightened screw." He had the feeling exactly right. "yes, that it" I answered. "PWE" said the agent,"is Protestant Work Ethic". Huh?! I said. "yep" the agent replied. "We had to shut down the whole fucking program. Beautiful pills. Little fat white chalky pills. I have a small self-storage unit full of em'. But they are all for me!" I asked "why was it shut down? What's dangerous about these PWE things?" "It would ruin the country." the agent replied. "If all of America's slackers, bums and fuckups started taking these things, it would disrupt the balance in our society. The Democrats would loose voters like crazy, zip code by zip code. The country would become overly Republican and we can't have abortion clinic bombers running the halls of Congress. And criminals would want to go straight. I'd be out of a job and the police unions would be up in arms. The NAACP, Rev. Jesse and that fat guy Sharpton don't want all their supporters working 65 hr weeks. They would work their way right out of the ghetto. Then who would need Jesse? The NAACP? They would all be looking for work. The homeless and shiftless would work for nothing, picking up trash, cleaning the streets,etc. They would work just for the pleasure of getting something accomplished. The order of things would be fliped on its side. The country would be ruined." There was a moment of silence followed by the sound of a tumbler of ice hitting a carpeted floor.He then hung up on me.

It was within a few months, I was back to my old routine. I was sleeping late, feeling sluggish and being tired. It sucked.