Murray Hill, NJ-- More research is being funded to determine the characteristics of marijuana and its usefullness to treat a host of ailments. "We are getting very close to a new level of purity, a better Cannabis.", says Larry Cohen, chief Botanist at Drake Phama, Inc., "This eighth generation batch will fuck your shit up bad...really bad." Mr. Cohen and his twelve person team were trying to generate a 'high' and a painkilling trait without the 'extreme hunger' trait. However some of the funding from the M&M Mars Co. and Interstate Bakeries, Inc. (IBC) was in jeopardy, if the hunger trait was eliminated. "Batch No. 519 had a rich smokey high, but the paranoia element was unusually strong. We had test subjects hiding in the parking garage for almost three days. And batch No. 254 promoted a high level of visual theatrics, but was low in the paranoia and the hunger traits. This is a favorite of Oliver Stone. "I met him at LAX a few years ago. He seems genuinely interested in our work." Over the past three years Cohen's team has built a portfolio of different Cannabis types. "If you have advanced AIDS I would offer No. 322-A. The pain killing characteristics are medium, the paranoia is minimal but the hunger trait is quite high, really high. You'll eat a 'baby's butt through a park bench'. The AIDS groups have given us really positive feedback on this one." Many of Drake's new caninabis based drugs are not ready for market, but will be in about three years, following the usual FDA approval. "This stuff was developed by the Earth Mother." says Mr. Cohen. "We have only begun to understand her secrets, for she is the most advanced botanist of all."
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