Hollyweird, CA--Recently Tom Cruise has reported to the media that he has risen to one of the highest echelons of the Church of Scientology, what is known as 'Operating Thetan Seven' or OT-VII. Scientologists believe that one who has achieved the state of Operating Thetan is essentially a being able to operate free of the encumbrances of the material universe, also being defined as "knowing and willing cause over life, thought, matter, energy, space and time." Mr. Cruise explains," I'm learning to control not only my existance in the world, but the world and universe itself! Today's youth waste so much time on useless endevors like sports, stupid reality TV shows, Playstation gaming and all that Star Wars nonsense. The 'Force' is just a debased rip-off from our teachings of the Scientology Church. Yoda? What's he supposed to be? A green frog muppet? I just don't get it." To answer these questions, we put a call into Coruscant, home of the Jedi High Council, and were we hoped to find Master Yoda. We were told he was too busy, but recomended that we speak to Ki-Adi-Mundi. "Many in the Council are fans of Mr. Cruise including myself, especially since he made Losin' It." said Master Mundi, "And yes, it would seem that Mr. Cruse has 'lost it'. It's grand that in God's wisdom that when he made Mr. Cruise a fool, he gave him a fool's face. We are glad that Mr. Cruise feels he is in control of his life and world, however it's a shame that this control wasn't in his possession the day he made a fool of himself on Oprah. Not even a short-bus Youngling would act in such a fatuous manner." After another discussion with Mr. Cruise he was surprised that we spoke to anyone on Coruscant. "Where is this place you say? Yea, whatever. All I know that in a few years I'll acquire the next few levels of knowledge and power. I'll become a deity. And all the fucking jokes are gonna stop."
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