New York--The LA Times recently ran a story about the "Child Exploitation Section" of the Toronto Sex Crimes Unit, which contained a mind-boggling statistic: of the more than 100 offenders the unit has arrested over the last four years, "all but one" has been "a hard-core Star Trek fan or commonly known as a Trekkie. In fact, Star Trek paraphernalia has so routinely been found at the homes of the pedophiles they've arrested that it has become a joke among police personel. Star Trek depicted an optimistic future in which mankind has overcome racism, poverty, warfare, tooth decay, intolerance but it never cured the ills of society's sexually repressed, confused and underdeveloped. And to demonstrate our point, the WSPO hired two hookers, twins actually, and disguised them as ambassadors, Link and Tink, from the planet Girl, which is located near the Beta quadrant, and attended Trek 2005, the Star Trek convention held every year at the Javitz Center.
It became obvious that beautiful women are not a common site at these events, because we could hear the nerds become restless and frightened. The girls met a guy dressed as Spock, complete with tribble, which actually was his 'mom's merkin', Darb Elder, from Crete Nebraska (where ever the fuck that is). They explained to Mr. Elder that if he plied them with some Romulan ale they would let him apply his 'Vulcan death grip' in the privacy of his midtown hotel. Mr. Elder stated that although he was delighted to meet two ambassadors from Girl, he would have to decline the offer, because it would violate various protocols of Starfleet Command.
A little later, a short flabby man dressed as a Klingon approached the girls. With him were about five or six other Klingons of various size and age. He said, "I am Qo' nos, the great Klingon warrior, from the royal house of Kahless." The other Klingons nodded in agreement, but the girls weren't impressed. "We warriors that are Klingon are known throughout the heavans for our bravery, fighting skills and sexual appetite." Again the other Klingons smiled and nodded in agreement. Qo' nos finished by saying," I wish to mount you sluts and teach you the secrets of Klingon mating!" With this said the other Klingons let out a 'hoorah'. A moment passed and then one of the twins, I think it was Link, walked up to her new Klingon friend and grabed his 'unit'. (Link doesn't like being called a slut, she only likes it if your also pulling her hair) The other Klingons at attendance and by this time other coventioneers that had gathered around expressed shock and voiced their opinion(s) that Link's action was a clear violation of several bylaws in the Starfleet handbook. Link gave him a good squeeze and he grunted, which was followed by a few light 'popping' sounds, like microwave popcorn. Qo' nos, warrior from the house of Kahless, stumbled a few steps and then collapsed onto a giant cardboard cutout of "Lieutenant Commander Data", pulling it onto the floor. The heavans may know of Klingon bravery but do they also know of their bouts of crippling premature ejaculation?
After a few hours it became obvious that despite being gorgeous, dumb (they never got the Spock hand signal correct), blonde and possessing sweet, tight pheromone emitting bodies, the girls would be leaving empty handed.
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